I wonder... does Little O know just how much I love her? How torn apart I am on the days that she is at her "other" house? At the same time, she has been so naughty, so sassy, and just, well "three" lately, that sometimes I am relieved I'll have a break for a night...and then when I get the break, I am miserable. So, am I miserable because I feel guilty for not being able to handle her "three-ness"? It feels like an emptiness and knot in the pit of my stomach...I am missing my other part. That is not guilt so much as loneliness.
I want to be this strong person who can handle anything, who takes on the challenges of single-motherhood headfirst...but I feel like a miserable failure who can't get her to listen, potty train effectively, or eat her vegetables. No one said the transition would be easy or that she wouldn't try "testing" the new situation. I thought I was expecting it...but, maybe I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was? She has no consistent schedule any more...going to bed at a different time every other night; weekends with Disney dad and boring Mondays with Mom; and a teacher at school that I am convinced pays no attention to her. All of it has me struggling with anxiety and frustration, and I haven't even thrown in the back-and-forth between attorneys going on right now.
I read something in a Jodi Picoult book today that made me pause a second... "when you love someone, you say their name different. Like it's safe inside your mouth". Do you suppose that is true? Is it plain to the ears of the person you love, or do you suppose it is obvious to everyone else, but something they can not hear? Can Little O feel it in her soul the way I love her? Will she understand some day that I always made decisions that I really believed were best for her?
