Thankful...

Do you ever have those moments that slow you down and make you truly thankful for the good things in your life? I have a close friend whose first child, a daughter, was stillborn one year ago. It was so hard to believe at the time...we had just celebrated the upcoming birth with an all-girl baby shower complete with family, friends, and pink ruffles galore. But at eight months, the baby's heartbeat was suddenly gone...she had gotten tangled in the ambilical cord and died. I can't imagine going through the pain of childbirth, knowing that at the end you will kiss your child hello and goodbye at the same time rather than taking her home and beginning your life together as a family.

I think of baby Anna often...especially when I watch little O do something new for the first time. The girls would have grown up together...they would have been just four months apart in age. I think a lot about all the things that my friend has missed out on over the last year because of her loss. And when there are those moments when little O is making me crazy with all of her climbing or tantrums over little things, and suddenly I remember that Anna could be doing those things but isn't. And I am grateful for the things that little O does to make me crazy...I know that my friend would trade me in a minute to deal with all things toddler.

Perhaps the most difficult part of this, for me, has been the change in my relationship with my friend. While she carries the pain of Anna's loss, I bear the guilt of being the one with the beautiful, healthy baby. We talk about little O...to NOT talk about her would be even more obvious than talking about her non-stop. It is hard to find the balance. Thankfully, we have known each other for many years and the closeness of our friendship has allowed us to discuss the situation openly. I feel her loss and she feels my guilt.

So kiss your children goodnight and be thankful for all the things that they are...be thankful they just are.