Will You (Not) Marry Me???

I know that people mean well... I know that my friends and family care about me and just want me to have love and happiness in my life.  I know...really, I do.  But every time one of them makes some reference to my "next husband"...I just have to wonder if they have been paying attention for the last fifteen years?  Isn't two husbands enough?  I am not on some mission to be the next Liz Taylor...  I never actually set out to have multiple husbands...  While I know that the hang up about having two ex-husbands is all mine, I can't help but wonder why everyone else in my life seems to think I need a third?  Husband that is, not ex...

So, being the analyst that I am... let's face it, we all have some things that we are better or worse (no pun intended) at...some things that just come more naturally to us.  Being married has not turned out to be one of my special skills... I have come to believe that I am hard to live with...I know that I can be intense, that I expect a lot of the people that I love, but I also think that I might be worth it because I give a lot in return...  I am willing to make compromises to have another person in my life, but I am not going to completely abandon who I am so that you can fit into my life.  In my mind there is a big difference between understanding how to give and take in a relationship, and just completely sacrificing who you are to be with someone...

In my perfect world... I haven't come to the decision that I don't want to get married again without thinking it through (thoroughly) and for a lot of good reasons...  The bottom line for me is this... I want to have someone in my life, I want to have someone to love...  BUT, for me... I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that I belong with someone.  What does that even mean?  Yeah, there is also a lot of paperwork that goes along with a divorce, but that is the least of it all...  What I want is to have someone in my life that has to wake up every day and CHOOSE to be with me...or not.  I want someone who could walk away at any time, but chooses to stay...because being with me is better than being without me.  I don't want to have someone who stays with me because it is easier than doing all of the paperwork, or better than being alone, or better than being truthful about how he feels...

I know this is not conventional... I know that it does not fit into the ideal of what my family and friends want for me... But I also know that they would understand (and be happy) if I had someone in my life that I could love...whether I was married to him or not.