A New Chapter...

A number of years ago, pregnant and awaiting O's arrival, I made a big decision... Having spent months contemplating how I could best juggle motherhood and family, while still being successful at work, I determined that I needed to find a way to "make more time".  Granted, that was not going to literally work, BUT...if I could put my energy into working four longer days, then I could always have a three-day weekend with my family.  It was the only proposal I could come up with that made the knot in my stomach go away...  

I remember feeling so apprehensive about talking to my manager about my idea... I kept thinking that asking for a schedule that would last until my daughter was in kindergarten just seemed to be asking to play "hookey" forever!  I felt guilty...was it fair to the other people I worked with?  I was nervous...would I be able to keep up at work?  Could I really come through on my promise to make sure my schedule did not impact anyone who depended on me?  So much worry...

Fortunately for me, I work for a company that can be flexible enough to accept this type of an arrangement...  When O was born, I went back to work...working four 10-hour days each week, and taking Monday as my "at home" day to play with O.  I was never out of reach...the crew back at the office could always reach me by cell or through email, and I would usually check in during O's nap time to make sure that all was well... It did not take long to settle into the new schedule, and my co-workers were soon conditioned to schedule meetings with me on any day but Monday.

So, here I am, almost five-years later on the eve of my first real Monday BACK to work.  And I wonder... Where did the time go?  What once seemed like a huge request for time has somehow officially run out...  That baby girl that would surely be little forever is going to her first day of 4k tomorrow...my ticket to Mondays at home has expired.  While her newest adventure starts at school, mine will just be an adjustment in schedule...  So why does it seem like such a big occasion for me, too???

The whole situation has me a bit contemplative... Did I make the best use of all of those Mondays off?  Did I live up to my goal of using those days to spend quality time with O?  Does she know that while Mama cares about her job, she will always put her family first?  I know there are some Mondays in there that could have been better spent...a few lazy ones, some TOO productive without enough fun, and some where us two girls were on each other's nerves.  But, maybe those things are a part of spending quality time together, too?  Family time isn't always fun and games...sometimes it is about working together, resting together, even irritating each other...because that is important to find a way to work out also.

In the final analysis...I can't go back and call a "redo" on any of those Mondays, so there is no sense in looking for those that fell short of ideal.  What I know for certain is that it was the right decision to make at the time, and I am thankful for all of those days that O and I spent together.  This new schedule will be another change for us, but the time has come... I think that we are both ready, although O may be more ready than I am...when told she would be at school five-days she only asked if her teachers and friends had to go, too...when I said "yes", her response was "okay".  Needless to say, I am not expecting tears...well, at least not from O.  And so, a new chapter starts now...

Disappointment...

"...I am comfortable with disappointment..."  Kate, Last Chance Harvey

I heard this line when I saw the movie and it summed up so many things for me... I don't want to be the kind of person that expects the worst, but I have been disappointed so many times that I am not surprised when someone does exactly what I fear most... that just seems to be expected.  I am to the point where I am not sure what is worse, having someone do exactly the thing I expect them to do and disappoint me, or actually be better than I anticipated?  I have no idea what to do when someone comes through and seems to be all the things I wanted them to be...

Have I just become so used to disappointment that I don't have the ability to give someone a fair chance?  What happens when faced with a person who lives up to all your expectations?  How do you give them the benefit of the oh-so-protective doubt?  Disappointment sits so comfortably on my shoulders...it is a constant companion.  So how is the cycle stopped?  Can you convince yourself to go into a situation truly with an open mind?  The fact is that for the most part I expect to be disappointed, and then when I am, I am just not surprised...  So, does this mean it is a self-fulfilling prophecy?  Do I choose the wrong people to put my faith in because having them disappoint me is so much easier to take based on prior experience?  Am I just really not taking a risk on anyone by doing this?  What would happen if I did take a chance?  Would it hurt even more if (when?) they let me down?

Alone or Lonely?

Why are most people so afraid of being alone?  Why does being alone seem to instantly be equated with loneliness?  A friend and I had dinner this week and were talking about a woman who had ended a bad relationship, but after just a few months of being on her own went back to the guy because she didn't like being alone.  Is it really that much better to be with the wrong someone rather than spending some time alone?

Maybe it is just me who does not get it... I don't happen to believe that being alone means that you have to be lonely.  I have plenty of experience with both being alone and being lonely, and I can tell you that the times in my life that I have been the loneliest were not when I was alone.  I don't think that there is anything more lonely than having another person in your life who you are so disconnected from that while you may be "together" you feel more alone with them than at any other time... Somehow that feeling of not being able to reach someone you thought you knew is so much more devastating, and yes, it is lonely...

I think sometimes that our fear of being alone is more about uncertainty that we might really get to know ourselves better... that we will have time to face the things in our life that we don't really want to examine all that closely.  Are we afraid that we won't like what we see?  Do we just fill our lives with other people and things to do in order to make sure we never have to face our true selves?  Are we just manufacturing distractions? 

Or...  Maybe it is everyone else's opinion that we are worried about?  Are we really just afraid of how everyone else will define us if we are alone?  I have several people in my life that won't go anywhere if they have to go on their own... they miss parties, and dinner with friends, and movies that they really want to see.  How is giving up the people and things that you enjoy better than doing them on your own?  Why are most of us so uncomfortable to face a crowd on our own?  Ever consider how many of the people in that crowd might be envious?  How many are jealous of the person who came alone?  Being in the middle of a group with someone else does not guarantee that your soul is not lonely...

Okay, so being alone is not always what it is cracked up to be either... and yes, sometimes it IS lonely.  But at the end of the day, I will take some loneliness in exchange for living a genuine life.  And to that end... I have spent months debating going to my twenty-year class reunion... Do I really want to face people I haven't seen in that long all on my own?  My fear is more about how they will judge my life than about not wanting to go by myself... So, time to take my own advice...own my own truth and not let fear stop me from getting to see old friends.  I know I can do this alone...

Listening Ears...

On a very regular basis O and I talk about her "listening ears"... For the most part, this discussion centers around me telling her that they seem to be broken, or at least that is my assumption for why she does not seem to listen to me.  This conversation has a tendency to start about the time that I am repeating myself for the fifth time... Fortunately for me, she does not yet understand when I am being sarcastic...  But I am noticing that while she may not catch the sarcasm, she is picking up plenty of other things...

On the way home from school one evening last week, we had the following conversation:

O: "Mom, I going to change my name..."
M: "Change your name?  What are you changing your name to?"
O: "I changing it to Glare"
M: "Glare???  Do you mean Claire?"
O: "No, mama, GLARE"
M: "Why do you want to change your name?  Olivia is such a pretty name..."
O: "Mama... that name is just killin' me!"

Killing her?  When I could stop laughing, I realized that she has most likely heard me use that expression several times... And that is not the only one that she has picked up... I have heard her repeat several things that I know she learned from those of us that she spends the most time with.  Sayings such as... "are you kidding me?", as well as a few choice words that I wish she had not heard... She recently exclaimed "what da heck?!" and I felt like I could have been having a conversation with her dad (thankfully he has edited the hell to heck).

So, the lesson is this... Toddlers clearly possess selective hearing...  For my married mom friends, you should be accustomed to dealing with this as husbands tend to have the same condition.  So, while toddlers do not hear the things that you want them to...or at least not the first time that you say it...they do hear it when you yell it for the fifth time.  But, they also happen to hear the things you don't want them to hear the very first time that you say them...  Beware of those listening ears...