Thankful...

I have learned a lot of lessons over the years... I admit that I usually learn them the hard way, but they are well-learned...  This year I am feeling especially grateful... for being able to appreciate that the experiences that have carried me this far and made me who I am are the same experiences that make me appreciate the best things in my life.  So, this year... I am thankful for:

*Second, and even third chances... to experience love, from a man who understands me... who is a real partner... and believes in us.

*My daughter... and my new son and daughter... The three of them teach me every day about being patient, and strong, and committed... to making them the best they can be, which makes me the best I can be.  They help me keep perspective... if they can be flexible when it comes to the everyday things, why shouldn't I do the same?

*Girlfriends and sisters... The strong women in my life that believe in me and support me... You help me to believe in myself when I am doubtful, you make me laugh, and you show me every day how to appreciate what is wonderful in my life.

*For a job that supports my family and keeps me challenged, every single day...

*Balance... for knowing that to be the best me, I have to have a balance between what I do at work and my life outside the bank.  I need this... for me, for my family... for sanity and clarity and the chance to be more than a spreadsheet.

*Shoes, and music, and coffee, and kissing... the simple things.  If there is a lesson that I have learned, it is that simple things will make you the happiest.  So I appreciate them... because they make me feel real and fill my soul.

Once in a blue moon...

I believe that things happen for a reason... that the experiences that we all go through are part of what makes each of us unique, and what helps to shape the way we look at the world around us.  I also believe that the universe sends us signals sometimes... pushing us forward or pulling us away from certain things.

It has been a long time since I let anybody get close to me... I took a break from the online dating world because I was tired of disappointing first dates and feeling like I was pretending to want something that I really wasn't ready for.  Over the course of this last summer, though, I felt like I was missing something... As much as I love my daughter and our life, and the women who are my closest friends and support, as well as the jobs that challenge me, I felt like something was just missing...

So, I decided to wade into the waters once more... Back to online dating and the endless search for something real.  Imagine how surprised I was to find someone, just days back into the fray, that looked like a good match.  Handsome and smart, dedicated to family, fun and interesting...  He suggested lunch... which turned into two hours of non-stop talk...  Then there was a rainy day date, where the rain didn't even matter.  And then... The lakefront, and dinner, and hanging out at the beach... on a night with a blue moon.

I am asking myself... how did this happen?  Is this real?  Is it finally my time?  How is it possible that this man exists and that the two of us so clearly click with each other?  My instincts say be wary... don't miss something important.  My heart wants to take a chance... I feel like I have finally met someone that is worth taking a chance on.  So, my guard is down... and I am all in.  He is an amazing person, and I believe he is worth taking a chance on.  For the first time in a long time, I feel like not throwing myself into this relationship would be taking the chance at losing what could be the best person that has ever happened to me...  Maybe the universe is speaking to me... and telling me that my time is now.

The (Gross/Christman) Brady Bunch...

Here's the story... of a man named Gross and a woman named Christman.  These two met about 13+ years ago... Both of them had been through similar experiences... they married young and raised three children each, and found themselves in marriages that did not quite "work".  I have heard my step-mom Sue say time and again, "...on the second date with your Dad, I knew we would be together forever".  And the love story goes on from there... they have now been married for 10+ years.

This love story is special, because it is not just about bringing two amazing people together... it is also about bringing two families together.  I always wondered what it might be like to be a part of a large family... When my dad and Sue got married, I found out.  All of a sudden I had two more brothers and a sister.  In the early days, we didn't know each other well, and the ties that connected us were really through our parents.  But something slowly changed over time...

Through Christmas' and Birthday parties, the annual Family Camping trip, and other Family events... we became our very own "Brady Bunch".  We got to know each other...and appreciate the things that make each of us special.  Here's what I know about my brothers and sisters...

*Pete:  My true brother... good to the core of his soul, and so very supportive of his family.  Accepting of everyone and always someone you can count on.

*Mike:  Brother by marriage... he is the strong, silent type... firmly behind his convictions and not afraid to stand up for what he believes in.

*Jay:  Who is more fun than Jay?  Loyal and true, with the very best heart... and can be counted on to support his family through anything.

*Sara:  Our long-distance sibling... connected by love, and shared experiences... She is not just my sister, but a soulmate.  While distance keeps her apart from all of us... it makes her no less a part of this family.

*Candy:  Our baby sister.  Strong and smart... Loyal and true... If anyone messes with any of us, I hope they are prepared to deal with Miss Candida.

And where do I fit in?  Oldest, technically.  I love this family... We have grown together, learned to appreciate each other, and to support each other.  This Summer has given us opportunities to grow even closer... Two weddings mean that I have even more sisters...  Bobbi's marriage to Jay, and Lisa's marriage to Mike, have grown our family further.  And we are so fortunate to add two new cousins to the mix, too... in Lisa's daughters, Samantha and Lucy...who finally make Miss O NOT the only girl.

This is my family... A family that came together by Chance.  I am not sure how the rest feel, but I feel fortunate... to have a step-mom that I love as much as my own, and the opportunity to find out what it is like to have a large extended family.  These are MY brothers and sisters...and I am lucky to have them all in my life.

The Burning Question: What do you suck at?

Danielle LaPorte posted the question "what do you suck at?" in her blog... And basically suggests that facing your shortcomings will help point you toward your true strengths.

So, here goes:  My "suck" list...

*Cooking:  Pretty much everything... I have a few "emergency" things I can cook that are saved for dinner guests, but other than that, nothing.  Heaven forbid anyone eat more than one time at my house... you are bound to have the same meal on more than one occasion.

*Staying Committed to a Workout:  I can barely commit to paying a fee, much less actually attending the class.  I have a million excuses, mostly using my work schedule as the reason (which IS legitimate about 50% of the time).

*Saying "no":  Need to draft someone to organize a fundraiser or buy the family gift for a party?  I'm your gal... I can have 500 other things I am already committed to, and when a worthy cause or seemingly reasonable request comes up, I say "yes" anyway.

*Giving myself a break:  (Most) everyone else can make excuses to me and graciously get a pass; after all most things are NOT that big of a deal...  But I don't allow myself the same break.  I know it is irrational and unreasonable to expect perfection of myself all the time, but I just can't seem to forgive myself for the mistakes I make.

*Accepting Something as Good Enough:  Hmmmm...this sounds a little like the previous one.  Good enough, never seems to actually be good enough to me... I am not sure if that makes me impossible to please, or if I just have high expectations (of myself, for sure).

I could go on... and on... and on... BUT... what does this all suggest?  The positive here (I think) is that you can count on me... to do my very best for you, to make you feel important, to take your needs seriously.  You can NOT count on me to run a marathon with you or cook a gourmet meal for your in-laws... I will find every other solution to those situations, so you CAN count on me for that...

What do you think?  Does facing your greatest flaws help you to recogize your strengths?

Start spreading the news...

There are so many reasons that I love to be close to home... Some of my favorite things to do involve staying close to home, including snuggling on the couch with my girl to watch a great movie, reading a great book from the comfort of my favorite chair, helping miss O with all of her many art projects, watching the day go by from my front porch, and sleeping in my own comfortable bed.  As much as I enjoy all of this... traveling to new places and seeing new things has always been a passion for me.

As a kid, I was lucky to see most of the United States as our family took road trips back and forth across the country to visit family, experience historic places, and explore national parks.  I was introduced to travel at a young age, and that spirit of adventure was passed on to me by my father.  Every summer he would plan a two or three week road trip to experience a new part of the country.  He and mom would pack the camper, throw the three of us into the backseat of the car, and off we would go...  We visited cities like St. Louis, and Washington D.C., and Orlando; experienced the Grand Tetons, Yellowstone, and the Smoky Mountains; we played in the ocean, and watched the sun set below the mountains.

The adventures of my childhood fueled my desire to see more of the world... and I took my first real trip alone when I spent the summer between my junior and senior year of college on an exchange trip to London.  Europe!  Suddenly it was so clear to me that the world was so much bigger than my own backyard, or even the United States.  People and culture, places and food, history...it was all out there to experience.  My summer in London opened my eyes to all the possibilities, and my list of "must see" places was born...

Travel is not the first priority in my life today, with a young daughter, a demanding job, and only so much money to spend, but I feel pretty fortunate that every year I have been able to check at least one or more places off my list.  And I am so lucky to have a number of travel "buddies" who are willing to share the adventure with me... 

With distance keeping us apart, my sister and I have used travel to meet at a number of great destinations, to catch up with each other as well as see and do new things.  From San Francisco to Charleston and between, we have had a number of amazing trips.  Then there are a number of friends who are always up for a little adventure... sunshine in Puerto Vallarta, gambling in Las Vegas, football and shopping in Phoenix, lobster in Kennebunkport.  So many places to go!  And this year will be no exception...  New York City this summer and San Diego in the fall.

In just days, two of my best friends and my sister will meet up with me in New York City for a long weekend of exploring.  This is a city that I have wanted to visit for so long... I have been so close to it a number of times and just never had the chance to actually be in the city and soak it all in.  I have been attracted to the city for years and finally I will be there!  Spending four nights with three of my most favorite people and wandering the streets of New York...nothing could be better.  As I have said before, half the fun is planning the trip and I am busily reading my NYC books, surfing the internet, and putting together a list of places to go and things to see.  Let the adventure begin...

Here it comes... the big 4-0.

"I hate myself a little for saying this... it felt really sad not to have a man in my life who cares about me, no special guy to wish me happy birthday, no god damn soul mate, and I don't even know if I believe in soul mates".        Carrie, Sex & The City

Birthdays are a time to reflect... a chance to stop for a minute, look around, and think about the passage of time, and where the journey seems to be taking us.  Sometimes, this results in focusing on all of the things that we don't have, instead of all of the many good things that we do.  Just hours away from turning 40, I find that I have been feeling very reflective, but that I also may have spent too much time dwelling on the things that don't seem to be quite right.

But, some positive things have come out of this overanalysis, too...  I can remember when I was twenty-nine going through a similar thing and thinking that it seemed so strange to be on the edge of the end of my "20's".  How did a whole decade just slip right by?  So here I am again... spending the last hours of my "30's" thinking about how different my life is today from what it was ten years ago.  And, quite honestly, that is the most positive thing about turning 40...  My life at almost 40 is so much better than the almost 30 life was. 

These last ten years have brought me many challenges, but also amazing gifts.  I think that maybe the sorrows of the tougher times were necessary so that I would recognize all of the goodness that I have in my life.  Without the challenges, would I really appreciate all that makes my life wonderful?  So, focusing on the good stuff...  Here is the best of my last ten years:

*I became a Mom... to a beautiful, healthy, smart, funny little girl that makes every day a new adventure.

*I have a loving family, that is always there for me when I need them...

*I have special girlfriends who believe in me, make me laugh, and share the burdens when they get heavy.

*My job...well two, actually... that keep me challenged every single day.

*A home of my own that signifies hard work and is a welcome place to come to at the end of each day.

*I have been fortunate to travel... to lots of places to see people I love, go on adventures, and experience new places and things.

*I have a closet full of shoes with secret powers that allow me to walk through the day with confidence.

And there are more... all of the little things that make each day special.  I am not going to dwell on the things that I don't have in my life... I am looking forward to all of the great things coming my way in my "40's".  And I will be spending my birthday with a very special guy... a concert and then drinks/dessert with my dad.  What could be better than that?

Selfishly Turning 40...

I am turning 40 this year... Forty... the big 4-0... 40... Forty?  Forty!  I have declared the entire year to be MY year...  Some would call this a mid-life crisis...  I call it my mid-life "kickoff".  Here is how I look at it...  If I have to be forty (and not really ready for it), I feel like I need to seize control of being forty and take advantage of this rare, once in a lifetime (literally), opportunity to make it mine.

Here is what I have planned for this year...all using "well, I am turning 40" as my excuse and/or rationalization:

*Cleaning lady... I no longer have the time, energy, or will to clean my own house... some may call it laziness but it is the best gift I have ever given myself.  I love this woman... having someone clean my house is more addictive than anything else... seriously, try it and you will agree with me.

*Trip to NYC... No birthday would be complete without a trip to commemorate the date.  I have been in the state of New York a number of times and STILL have never been to the City... I have to go there.  It feels like the right place, with the right energy to turn forty...  Look out NYC, here we come!

*Birthday Party... I am having a party... for myself.  I know... the polite and modest way to do things is to let someone else surprise you (sort of ) with a party... you are the guest of honor and they shower you with love and birthday wishes.  Okay... so, I don't need the "pity party" because "Jen is turning 40 and there is no one to have a party for her" party... I am going to throw myself a party... where I invite all of my favorite people, I wear a fabulous dress and even more fabulous shoes, and basically show 40 who the boss is.  Uncorkt, June 23... it is booked and it will be fun, I promise.

And that is just the start... who knows what else I will come up with in the name of turning 40.  It is fair to say that I plan to rationalize my way through the entire year using "I'm turning 40" as my excuse. 

So let's get serious for a minute... the fact of the matter is that by 40, as women, we have been through a lot.  We have been through the carefree years of childhood, the teenage years of insecurity, college years of mischief... Most of us have fallen in love, fallen out of love, we have gotten married (and maybe divorced), and brought kids into the world...  We have broken hearts and had our hearts broken.  We have gotten smarter, gotten jobs, gotten better jobs...lost jobs, gotten new jobs... found a career, abandoned a career, found a new career.  We have made friends, lost friends... found lifelong friends.  We have lost people we care about to illness and old age and tragedy.  Think about it... a lot has already happened... and we are just getting started. 

So, I am calling this year my "kickoff"... to the rest of my life, to the best of my life.  Bring it on...

Goal Setting...

I think that it is fair to say that I have always been quite driven... Driven to be the best that I can be and to make the people in my life proud of me.  Good enough has never been good enough for me...  So, you would think that goal setting would come naturally, right?  To be the best, you set a goal for yourself, and then you achieve it.  If you never set the goal, how do you know that you have accomplished what you set out to do?  How would you know what that even was?

I recently read the book "Eat That Frog" (Brian Tracy) as part of a self development challenge that I was part of... One of the chapters in the book talks about goal setting... we had an assignment to write down one goal and then make a list of the steps necessary to accomplish it.  So, I started to think about goals... what are my goals?  Really... what ARE my goals?  And it actually surprised me to realize that I sort of don't have any that I can clearly articulate to anyone and then say, there... those are my goals.

This whole no goals situation sent me down the path toward figuring out why I don't seem to have any... I think that I used to set goals.  I had ideas about what my life should be, and what I should achieve.  I set college graduation as a goal, and hoped that if I worked hard there, it would lead to a good job.  I fell in love when I was young and saw a life before me that included husband, home, kids, work.  All of those things were goals that I set for myself in my twenties... they made sense to me and were all things that I believed I was suppose to want for myself.

And then I turned thirty... and got divorced, and got remarried, and had a baby, and got divorced again.  Huh... None of those things were "goals" that I set (well, the baby was definitely on my most wanted list).  So I find myself at thirty-nine finally realizing that instead of goal-setting I have spent the last ten years in survival mode.  I think survival has actually been my goal... and it has been the goal for such a long time that I can't seem to remember how I ever set goals for myself that were actually meaningful.

This is not all bad.  The reality is that when you go through hard times, or even a crisis in your life, sometimes getting through the day-to-day is a legitimate goal to have.  You need to put one foot in front of the other one and let tomorrow come to you.  The problem for me?  I have been through the hard times, I have come out the other side, and done the surviving.  So, what is my excuse now for not moving ahead?

Failure is not something that I am very comfortable with.  That may come as a surprise knowing that I have two failed marriages to account for.  The harsh truth is that those failures haunt me on a daily basis.  They undermine my self confidence and make me fearful of taking chances... on both people and new things.  I am constantly working on proving to MYSELF that I am good enough, strong enough, smart enough, attractive enough, etc.

Part of my goal-setting phobia, I believe, is fear... fear that I will set myself up for more failure.  Because here is the thing... if I am truly setting goals for myself today... I don't believe in setting goals that are the ones that someone else (family, friends, society, whoever) thinks that I should achieve.  That may have worked in my twenties, but in my forties I want them to be true and meaningful and challenging.  The problem?  I don't know if I really, truly, want to take the risks that I have to take, to make some of them come true.  I am not sure I want to be disciplined enough to achieve others.  So, I don't set the goals... because it seems silly to set goals I have no intention of really trying to achieve, and then recognizing more failure when I have plenty to live with already.

Where does that leave me?  Ironically, I am setting as a goal for myself to work at figuring out some real goals for myself.  So here goes...  My first one... "be a good mom".  I know... vague and obvious.  But I am working on making it real... because being a good mom does take work and discipline and confidence.  And because it is the most important thing I do, I know this is one I need to focus on and achieve.  The rest will come...