Church...

I grew up in a Catholic family...  My parents sent the three of us to a Catholic grade school, where we went to church once during the week as part of classes.  Sunday, we went to church as a family...and we never missed.  I learned all the "rules" about being a good Catholic from both school and my family, and mostly followed them out of fear when I was young. 

As an adult, I couldn't help but start to question a lot of those rules...  First my own parents got divorced, and one of their major issues during their marriage had been the fact that my mom had to give up her religion and become a Catholic in order to marry my dad.  Instead of bringing them closer together, that always was a source of resentment.  And, sure enough, as soon as they were divorced, my mom left the Catholic church. 

Then there is my history... First husband was Baptist... he had more rules than I ever learned as a Catholic, most of which I didn't really understand the purpose of.  We finally agreed not to talk about religion until we had children, because it was always a contentious subject.  That worked out just fine...no children, no religion discussion...and eventually, no marriage either.  Husband number two... raised as a Catholic and stuck with it as an adult.  This I thought I could do... until we went to church for the first time together and the priest started to interrogate me about my divorce and my intentions toward number two.  Not the most welcoming introduction back to being Catholic... 

When O was born we baptised her in the Catholic church... They accepted her because of her dad and the fact that my history is not her fault (they didn't say it exactly that way, but that is my interpretation of the conversation I had with the lady who coordinates the whole thing).  I wanted O to have this despite my own mixed feelings about church... I want her to be able to make the choice some day about being Catholic (or not) and have experienced religion in her life to figure out if it works for her.  The good news is that her dad does take her to church... The bad news is that she and I have gone once together, on Easter, mostly because we went with the rest of my family.

So, the programmed Catholic in me feels guilty about never going to church and really teaching O very much about religion.  I also feel like a hypocrite for saying she should have it in her life, when I don't even really have it in my own.  If I can't figure it out for me, how do I help her?  I do believe that there is something bigger than all of us and I try to believe that all things happen for a reason, that none of us get more to deal with than we can handle, etc.  But I also believe you need to control your own destiny, and I have a hard time with the idea of just letting go and putting faith in something other than me to get things done.  So, how do I keep religion in O's life and give her the information she will need to someday make her own choices about what is right for her (especially when I don't have any of it figured out for me)?