One year ago today Little O's dad was moving out of our house and our new life was just beginning... I remember that day so clearly...O was having a fun sleepover weekend with Papa and Meema, and I was home dealing with the first day of the rest of my life. I remember thinking that things would be better...if I could just get through this, one year from now it would all feel so much different, better. Moving day was the first step and the rest would come after...
So, here we are... one year later. As I look at where we are today, and compare it to that day one year ago, things have certainly changed... What probably surprises me the most is just how resilient O has been...the ability that kids have to adapt to things just amazes me. She will tell you all about how she has two houses, which days she spends at which house, how daddy lets her do this and mama says we should do things like that... She is used to the new "normal". I know that she will never remember life when we were together as a family and selfishly I am thankful for that... She will always know that families come in all shapes and sizes and every one of them is just as good as the next.
As for me... When I really reflect on today versus that day one year ago, I know that I am stronger, happier, more secure. Is every day perfect just because I made the changes I needed to? No, of course not... There have been plenty of days when I wonder why I am not MORE happy than I am...but the reality is that you make the choices that you need to make and you move on. That doesn't mean that everything in your life is just right, it just means that you are headed in the right direction. I love being on my own, independent and in control of what I do... I love knowing that I make my own choices, that I don't have to compromise or accept less than I deserve. My life is good... It does not come without a price... Yes, the hardest thing is "sharing" time with O, and there are plenty of lonely nights, but I would never trade today for yesterday... Part of learning life's lessons is accepting the fact that there are hard things that come with making the right decisions. You don't get to pick and choose which consequences you can live with...you just have to deal with all of them. Part of getting the chance at a new beginning is learning to live with your past...
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The Lucky Ones...
Every once in a while something happens that makes you stop... that literally will take your breath away. I found the infamous "lump" a few weeks ago... totally by accident, just noticed it, and then every day for about three days kept checking to see if it was still there. Still there? Yup... still there. It took me another two weeks to call my doctor because I literally could not say the words out loud...I just could not do it. They sounded too unreal, even though I knew what was there.
I have never been one to avoid something that needs to be taken care of, so I did finally call the doctor's office this past Monday. When I finally managed to choke out the reason for calling, the nurse told me "you need to come in today". Her response seemed so shocking to me...like making a big deal about something that I sure was just nothing. While I tried to stall, she continued to insist...she won the battle. So, I went to see my doctor who told me "yes, there is something there"...which also surprised me. I am not sure what I thought she was going to say... "there's nothing there, you're imagining things" or maybe "you have an extra bone, very rare". But, no, she confirmed what I already knew...something was there that was not suppose to be there.
Needless to say, the doctor insisted that I get tested as soon as possible...which turned out to be Friday thanks to the blizzard, my schedule, etc., etc., etc. So...Monday through Friday...waiting, waiting, waiting to find out what was going on. All week long I found myself thinking about the "lump" at the oddest times... I didn't feel scared exactly, it just seemed so completely unreal and just, well, impossible to accept. I kept thinking... "there can't be anything wrong with me, I don't have time to be sick" and "there can't be anything wrong with me, I have too much responsibility, my daughter needs me to be healthy".
Fast forward to Friday... Having seen my doctor, she immediately sent me for a whole series of tests to find out what the mysterious lump might be. I arrive and go through the mammogram where the nurse gives me her spiel about how at my age it is great timing to get a "baseline" mammogram... Then on to the ultrasound... the ultrasound tech does her whole thing, gets her boss who comes in and does the same thing...then they both left and brought back the doctor to go through the whole routine a third time. Okay...those who know me know that there isn't "enough" to actually warrant a three-person review of the issue... So, I am laying on the table wondering why it takes three people to check the lump out. The doctor finally says to me... "I don't like how this looks...there is fluid making up a portion, but there is also a portion that appears to be something else". So, needless to say, this is not what I wanted to hear...I was hoping for "no big deal, nothing there". The doctor went on to tell me that he wanted to go in with a needle and see how it changed after removing the fluid... if it didn't change, he wanted to take a biopsy and have it checked out. He gave me the option of going home to think about it or letting them do it immediately... I took the immediately option.
So, I am laying on this table, waiting for the doctor to come in and get down to business... and I am thinking, how many times a day does this happen? How many women, in the same situation, lay on this same table and tell themselves that everything is going to be fine? Because of course it is going to be fine...right? And then I realize that for some women it isn't fine, that this is just the beginning of the biggest battle they will ever fight... Could I be one of those women? Is that the next phase of my life?
The ending to this story is a happy one... the doctor got out his big needles (and quite frankly, they are really, ridiculously, scary big) and when he removed the fluid, the entire "lump" disappeared...yes, disappeared. It is totally gone. I am one of the lucky ones... a common cyst, really nothing at all. I keep checking to see if it is really gone, and it is...it is just gone. Of course I am relieved, but I also feel lucky...lucky that I am NOT one of the women who lays on that table thinking it is nothing, only to find out it really is something. I am one of the lucky ones...
I have never been one to avoid something that needs to be taken care of, so I did finally call the doctor's office this past Monday. When I finally managed to choke out the reason for calling, the nurse told me "you need to come in today". Her response seemed so shocking to me...like making a big deal about something that I sure was just nothing. While I tried to stall, she continued to insist...she won the battle. So, I went to see my doctor who told me "yes, there is something there"...which also surprised me. I am not sure what I thought she was going to say... "there's nothing there, you're imagining things" or maybe "you have an extra bone, very rare". But, no, she confirmed what I already knew...something was there that was not suppose to be there.
Needless to say, the doctor insisted that I get tested as soon as possible...which turned out to be Friday thanks to the blizzard, my schedule, etc., etc., etc. So...Monday through Friday...waiting, waiting, waiting to find out what was going on. All week long I found myself thinking about the "lump" at the oddest times... I didn't feel scared exactly, it just seemed so completely unreal and just, well, impossible to accept. I kept thinking... "there can't be anything wrong with me, I don't have time to be sick" and "there can't be anything wrong with me, I have too much responsibility, my daughter needs me to be healthy".
Fast forward to Friday... Having seen my doctor, she immediately sent me for a whole series of tests to find out what the mysterious lump might be. I arrive and go through the mammogram where the nurse gives me her spiel about how at my age it is great timing to get a "baseline" mammogram... Then on to the ultrasound... the ultrasound tech does her whole thing, gets her boss who comes in and does the same thing...then they both left and brought back the doctor to go through the whole routine a third time. Okay...those who know me know that there isn't "enough" to actually warrant a three-person review of the issue... So, I am laying on the table wondering why it takes three people to check the lump out. The doctor finally says to me... "I don't like how this looks...there is fluid making up a portion, but there is also a portion that appears to be something else". So, needless to say, this is not what I wanted to hear...I was hoping for "no big deal, nothing there". The doctor went on to tell me that he wanted to go in with a needle and see how it changed after removing the fluid... if it didn't change, he wanted to take a biopsy and have it checked out. He gave me the option of going home to think about it or letting them do it immediately... I took the immediately option.
So, I am laying on this table, waiting for the doctor to come in and get down to business... and I am thinking, how many times a day does this happen? How many women, in the same situation, lay on this same table and tell themselves that everything is going to be fine? Because of course it is going to be fine...right? And then I realize that for some women it isn't fine, that this is just the beginning of the biggest battle they will ever fight... Could I be one of those women? Is that the next phase of my life?
The ending to this story is a happy one... the doctor got out his big needles (and quite frankly, they are really, ridiculously, scary big) and when he removed the fluid, the entire "lump" disappeared...yes, disappeared. It is totally gone. I am one of the lucky ones... a common cyst, really nothing at all. I keep checking to see if it is really gone, and it is...it is just gone. Of course I am relieved, but I also feel lucky...lucky that I am NOT one of the women who lays on that table thinking it is nothing, only to find out it really is something. I am one of the lucky ones...
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