Every once in a while something happens that makes you stop... that literally will take your breath away. I found the infamous "lump" a few weeks ago... totally by accident, just noticed it, and then every day for about three days kept checking to see if it was still there. Still there? Yup... still there. It took me another two weeks to call my doctor because I literally could not say the words out loud...I just could not do it. They sounded too unreal, even though I knew what was there.
I have never been one to avoid something that needs to be taken care of, so I did finally call the doctor's office this past Monday. When I finally managed to choke out the reason for calling, the nurse told me "you need to come in today". Her response seemed so shocking to me...like making a big deal about something that I sure was just nothing. While I tried to stall, she continued to insist...she won the battle. So, I went to see my doctor who told me "yes, there is something there"...which also surprised me. I am not sure what I thought she was going to say... "there's nothing there, you're imagining things" or maybe "you have an extra bone, very rare". But, no, she confirmed what I already knew...something was there that was not suppose to be there.
Needless to say, the doctor insisted that I get tested as soon as possible...which turned out to be Friday thanks to the blizzard, my schedule, etc., etc., etc. So...Monday through Friday...waiting, waiting, waiting to find out what was going on. All week long I found myself thinking about the "lump" at the oddest times... I didn't feel scared exactly, it just seemed so completely unreal and just, well, impossible to accept. I kept thinking... "there can't be anything wrong with me, I don't have time to be sick" and "there can't be anything wrong with me, I have too much responsibility, my daughter needs me to be healthy".
Fast forward to Friday... Having seen my doctor, she immediately sent me for a whole series of tests to find out what the mysterious lump might be. I arrive and go through the mammogram where the nurse gives me her spiel about how at my age it is great timing to get a "baseline" mammogram... Then on to the ultrasound... the ultrasound tech does her whole thing, gets her boss who comes in and does the same thing...then they both left and brought back the doctor to go through the whole routine a third time. Okay...those who know me know that there isn't "enough" to actually warrant a three-person review of the issue... So, I am laying on the table wondering why it takes three people to check the lump out. The doctor finally says to me... "I don't like how this looks...there is fluid making up a portion, but there is also a portion that appears to be something else". So, needless to say, this is not what I wanted to hear...I was hoping for "no big deal, nothing there". The doctor went on to tell me that he wanted to go in with a needle and see how it changed after removing the fluid... if it didn't change, he wanted to take a biopsy and have it checked out. He gave me the option of going home to think about it or letting them do it immediately... I took the immediately option.
So, I am laying on this table, waiting for the doctor to come in and get down to business... and I am thinking, how many times a day does this happen? How many women, in the same situation, lay on this same table and tell themselves that everything is going to be fine? Because of course it is going to be fine...right? And then I realize that for some women it isn't fine, that this is just the beginning of the biggest battle they will ever fight... Could I be one of those women? Is that the next phase of my life?
The ending to this story is a happy one... the doctor got out his big needles (and quite frankly, they are really, ridiculously, scary big) and when he removed the fluid, the entire "lump" disappeared...yes, disappeared. It is totally gone. I am one of the lucky ones... a common cyst, really nothing at all. I keep checking to see if it is really gone, and it is...it is just gone. Of course I am relieved, but I also feel lucky...lucky that I am NOT one of the women who lays on that table thinking it is nothing, only to find out it really is something. I am one of the lucky ones...
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