Living a Charmed Life (Or Not)...

Almost ten years ago I received the coveted Tiffany charm bracelet as a gift... sterling silver, heavy links, with a sweet heart charm.  It instantly became my favorite, and most who have known me for any length of time know that you rarely see me without the bracelet on.  Over the years it has almost become my signature in a way... I wear it all the time. 

Anyone who really pays attention may have noticed last year when the charm on my bracelet became a four-leaf clover...  As much as I really liked the bracelet, I was struggling with the heart charm...especially since I had gotten divorced the year before from the man who originally gave it to me with love.  The heart charm just didn't seem to fit anymore... At that time, my thought was...forget love, I could use a little bit of good luck.  So, the heart was put into the safe deposit box for O, replaced with a clover as my "good luck" charm.

It is true that I am superstitious by nature... I like to blame it on my Irish blood that I feel the need to have certain things in my life to be sure I have good luck.  The clover charm, my ladybug tattoo, a Chinese sketch of nine fish that mean good luck, etc...you get the idea.  I am attracted to things that are meant to bring me good fortune and I think it is because I feel protected by these things in some way.  The rational part of me knows this all sounds ridiculous...and believe me, I have told myself over and over that "things" can not bring me good luck, I have to make my own luck and bring good things into my life on my own.  Yeah, sure, now if only the irrational part of me could believe all of that...

Thanks to some bad luck, my theories regarding this topic are being tested... Over the weekend I had a trip planned with a girlfriend and spent Friday morning running around to get O to school and myself out to my dad's house to drop off my car before heading out of town... You can probably imagine the sickness in my stomach when I arrived at my dad's house, looked down, and found that I had my bracelet on...but the clover charm was gone.  I went through my entire car, dumped out my purse, shook out my coat, dug in my pockets...no charm. When I arrived back home on Sunday the search continued...the driveway, porch, throughout the house...nothing.  Lost and found at school on Monday...nope, no charm.

I think it is pretty safe to say that it is gone... The loss makes me sad, but I am even more concerned about what kind of karma this is bringing me.  What does it mean to lose your good luck charm?  Are you even more screwed as far as luck goes when you lose the thing that was suppose to bring you the good luck?  A friend said to me that maybe I needed to lose the charm in order to change my luck...this sounds good, but I am struggling to really believe her theory.  I think she just wanted me to feel better about the loss, and I do appreciate the thought.  Maybe with a little time I can convince myself that a charm does not guarantee anything... I really do have to make my own luck.  

What If???

How many times have you questioned a decision, or lack of action, or wondered what might have happened if???  A conversation with an old friend has me contemplating this...  I made a decision once not to tell someone how I felt about them because I was afraid that the feelings would not be returned, and that after confessing my feelings we would never be able to go back to the friendship that meant so much to me.  So I stayed silent... better to have that person in my life than risk losing them completely.

Imagine my surprise when I found out many, many years later that the other person felt the same way about me...but also chose not to say anything.  It was slightly surreal to face each other, after so many years, and after so many other things have changed for both of us...and talk about the whole situation.  I almost felt like I was talking about something that involved people other than the two of us.

I have to say it was bittersweet to hear the truth... validation of those long-ago feelings combined with some sadness at knowing that things could have been different.  Some of the sadness perhaps also comes from knowing that the clock cannot be turned back to that long ago time...there is no chance of a "re-do".  Sometimes the risks we avoid taking become the chances that are forever lost.

But what if you could go back in time...  What if you actually had the opportunity to do something over again?  Would you really take that option?  What if it changed everything else in your life?  Could you accept the chance without the guarantee that the outcome would be what you wanted?  What if...

As I have often said...a little luck and some good timing, they mean everything.  While going back for a second chance sounds appealing, reality does not make that an option.  So, like many things...looking back changes nothing.  You have to own the choices that you have made, and accept that things happen for a reason.  Everything is clearer in hindsight...that is what makes it great for analysis.  The challenge is accepting a choice that in hindsight becomes the moment that might have changed everything...but never happened.

Potty Problems...

Hands down, the most challenging aspect of being a mother to O has been related to potty training... The first go around was an all-consuming, eighteen month process that I seriously believed would never end.  Finally, she had it... And then she transitioned to pre-school and went through a stage of wetting her pants rather than having her place at the choice table taken by another student.  We worked through that one... O has now been in 4K for just over five weeks and yes, you guessed it, we are on a pants-wetting streak once again...

I am ready to pull all of my hair out... Why, why, WHY, are we here yet again???  At first I thought it was similar to pre-school in that she is so wrapped up in all of the new things going on and new friends that she just is not going to stop to go to the bathroom... And then she started wetting her pants at home, too... I feel like we are back at potty training... every two hours I am sending her to the bathroom to try and make sure she will not wet her pants.  Then, today, time got away from me... all of a sudden she says to me "mama, you can be mad at me...I wet my pants".

So now I am wondering... Is she TRYING to make me mad?  Is it so obvious that I am frustrated that she is now using that as a method to take control?  Granted, I have not been subtle about telling her how disappointed I am...I even went so far as telling her that if she keeps it up, her friends in Kindergarten and grade school will make fun of her because only babies wet their pants.  I am not proud of that one... that actually made her cry and she told me I was hurting her feelings.  Well, clearly, her feelings have since healed just fine, because she is still wetting her pants...

I am completely out of ideas and methods of bribery that will work to resolve this problem... I have been paying her...every day that she comes home with dry pants, I give her money for her piggy bank.  So Friday, she tells me "I don't want any money, mama"...so apparently now it is okay to wet her pants.  My latest punishment is that she can not have any treats until she manages to go an entire day without wetting her pants... I have no idea if this will matter either.  Anybody have an idea?  As frustrated as I am with her, and as convinced as I am that she is most likely just trying to flex her muscles and be "in charge", there is also a small part of me wondering if there is actually something wrong with her that requires a doctors attention?  Am I overreacting?  If I don't figure out how to resolve this soon it is pretty likely that I am the one who is going to need some doctor's attention...

Chemistry...

I sucked at high school Chemistry... The most entertaining thing about the class was the eccentric man that taught us...and occasionally blew something up.  I just could not visualize how all of those numbers and letters could be "something"... If I couldn't touch or see it, I could not seem to imagine it either.

In relationships, chemistry has often fooled me, too... That thing, that unexpected thing, that pulls people together (or doesn't).  So impossible to really explain, and even harder still to believe in.  I have found that those who seem so appealing become less and less so as they disappoint you and become someone you do not recognize.  I have also been in situations where someone unexpectedly became so much more to me over time, after I came to really know them...what seemed ordinary became special.

So, does chemistry mean anything?  Is it just one of those things that can sometimes bring people together, but in the scheme of things really means nothing?  A true connection is so much more meaningful than chemistry, but can you have a real connection without it?  If there is no instant chemistry with someone, can it happen over time?  Are you just forcing something to exist that really doesn't?  Or maybe talking yourself into it?  Even if you have instant chemistry with someone...can you trust it?

To a certain extent it is the "thing" that fairy tales are based on... the prince and princess meet, fall instantly in love, and live happily ever after.  Really?  Does that sound realistic or practical?  Can you ever fall in love that way?  It just sounds so ridiculous and impossible...and yet, we all want to believe that the possibility exists.  Maybe it is easier to believe in the possibility than to accept the alternative... The fact is that maybe we don't all get to have the fairy tale...maybe few people really and truly share that kind of instant connection that leads to forever.  Despite the reality, most of us choose to hope for romance and happy endings.  We continue to chase after that elusive connection...  I think it is because we figure that someone has to find the happy ending...