There is something about a Christmas tree... The tree has always been my favorite part of Christmas, even as a child. I remember laying under the tree in the evening, looking up into the lights and smelling that real tree smell that always meant Christmas. There is just something about the tree...
I have a long history of being completely ridiculous about the Christmas tree each year... For many years, with my first husband, we would go into the woods and cut down a real tree. I would then spend days getting the lights on just right, and finally garland and ornaments. He usually helped by laying on the couch with a box of ornaments on his chest. The fact was that I was always so particular that no one could help me. I took a picture every year of those trees... some were crooked, some skinny or missing branches, but every year it would take my breath away when the tree was fully decorated and lit.
There are plenty of stories from years of "real" trees... the one that crashed at 2am because it was so crooked it would not stay in the stand; the one that was over 8 ft. tall, that had 9 strings of lights when complete that blew out their fuses about 5 mins after I turned them on (duh, Jen, they can't all be one continuous string); the year that I was pregnant and it took forever to get the lights on because I was tired from going up and down the ladder so much, and my stomach was in my way!
O loves the Christmas tree, too. She could not have been more excited about decorating the tree... I have to say I am less excited for me and more excited for her. You see, I gave in two years ago and bought a "fake" tree...prelit with beautiful white lights and a perfectly round 7 feet tall. O does not care one way or the other if the tree is real or fake...she was putting ornaments on the same two feet at the bottom of the front (as I was moving them to other places) just as fast as she could take them out of the boxes. She was in her glory! And she has continued to take them off and put them back on every day since we decorated the tree...
Me? I have to admit, the fake tree makes me a little sad. I will say that with the exception of almost killing myself getting it up the basement stairs, you can't beat the ease of putting the three pieces together and plugging it in...whalah, beautiful tree! However, as I sit by the tree each night I can't help but miss my "real" trees from the past, in all of their imperfect perfectness. There is something about a tall, skinny, not-so-perfect tree when you get it all dressed up in the most beautiful of lights and ornaments, that just makes it better for being imperfect to start with. And the smell...I wish I could smell that real tree in my house.
Why don't I go back to a real tree? I have to admit that my practical side is overruling the sentimental side... Although maybe I'll get a little tree next year, a real one, for my bedroom? Perhaps just to serve as a reminder that perfection is overrated, and harder to achieve, and that you can make something beautiful out of the most ordinary of things.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Just a number, right?!
It's that time of year again... the holidays are upon us and there is much to do and so little time to do it. This year feels unique...it is the first year that holidays are not just about decorating the house and putting up the tree, baking cookies, shopping trips for perfect gifts, and planning get-togethers with family and friends. This year, the holidays are also about sharing...sharing O. It sounds horrible to even say it, let alone talk about what it means, but the reality is that part of accepting my new life is learning to also accept that I won't always see O for every holiday.
So while this week means so much to me and I am determined to make the most of every minute, it also has me thinking...about what I will be missing at Christmas. And perhaps, most importantly, it has me contemplating the holidays in a different way. After all, when it gets right down to it, the 24th and 25th are just numbers on the calendar, aren't they?! Christmas can be celebrated on any day of the week...and let's face it, when you are three years old (or maybe even when you are thirty-three), you are perfectly content to celebrate Christmas EVERY day of the week.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
For example...
Growing up, my parents regularly reminded me that as the oldest of three siblings it was my responsibility to set a good example. I was suppose to follow the rules, get good grades, make my family proud. Being the over-achiever, perfectionist that I am, I of course took all of this seriously. It also helped to have a healthy dose of fear that failure would disappoint my dad, and I didn't want to fail to live up to his expectations.
Last week, in yet another example confirming that I have made the right choice, O's dad decided to "help himself" to some fruit from the breakfast trays that were set up for the kids at school. He apparently thought the coast was clear and no one was watching him when he snatched the banana. Unfortunately, one of the people that I work with saw him do it...and then told the front desk at school and several other moms at work. She couldn't wait to relay the story to me because she thought I would "think it was so funny". Huh... needless to say, I was not laughing. My daughter's dad is the "banana stealer" at school...and I am beyond embarrassed and just plain mortified. I know that I am not responsible for his actions, but I can't help but feel concerned about the example he sets for our daughter. If SHE ever pulled that move...
So, I am asking myself... Am I the only one that does not find this incident funny? Am I just too squeeky clean when it comes to these things? Am I too paranoid about what kind of example we set for O? I know that she won't turn into some kind of delinquent because we make a few mistakes as we raise her, but shouldn't there at least be some general guidelines of good behavior? Do I seriously have to outline them for him? Will she learn to be the "good example" that I was raised to be by spending 60% of her time with me? What happens during the other 40%?
There are so many days when I wish that I could throw all the rules out the window, be carefree and reckless, take chances and even maybe make a few mistakes... To say it does not come naturally to me, would be an understatement. There are risks that are worth taking, and there are rules that maybe CAN be broken some times. But I still believe that we owe it to O to teach her those rules, and make her stick to them... When she grows up she can decide for herself what risks she is meant to take. I want her to be a strong, confident woman...but I also want her to be a responsible woman who respects others. I don't think that is setting too high of an expectation...for him as well as her.
Last week, in yet another example confirming that I have made the right choice, O's dad decided to "help himself" to some fruit from the breakfast trays that were set up for the kids at school. He apparently thought the coast was clear and no one was watching him when he snatched the banana. Unfortunately, one of the people that I work with saw him do it...and then told the front desk at school and several other moms at work. She couldn't wait to relay the story to me because she thought I would "think it was so funny". Huh... needless to say, I was not laughing. My daughter's dad is the "banana stealer" at school...and I am beyond embarrassed and just plain mortified. I know that I am not responsible for his actions, but I can't help but feel concerned about the example he sets for our daughter. If SHE ever pulled that move...
So, I am asking myself... Am I the only one that does not find this incident funny? Am I just too squeeky clean when it comes to these things? Am I too paranoid about what kind of example we set for O? I know that she won't turn into some kind of delinquent because we make a few mistakes as we raise her, but shouldn't there at least be some general guidelines of good behavior? Do I seriously have to outline them for him? Will she learn to be the "good example" that I was raised to be by spending 60% of her time with me? What happens during the other 40%?
There are so many days when I wish that I could throw all the rules out the window, be carefree and reckless, take chances and even maybe make a few mistakes... To say it does not come naturally to me, would be an understatement. There are risks that are worth taking, and there are rules that maybe CAN be broken some times. But I still believe that we owe it to O to teach her those rules, and make her stick to them... When she grows up she can decide for herself what risks she is meant to take. I want her to be a strong, confident woman...but I also want her to be a responsible woman who respects others. I don't think that is setting too high of an expectation...for him as well as her.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Rejecting Technology?
I seem to be thinking a lot about technology lately and how it has such a big impact on my life... both at work and home, I rely on technology in a lot of different ways. Most significantly, I rely on technology to communicate. These days, there are just so many ways to stay in touch... land lines, cell phones, email, voice mail, instant messaging, texting, Facebook...and, oh yeah, there are still handwritten letters and cards. Today we are so connected that everything is instantaneous and to wait for a return email longer than twenty-four hours feels like forever.
The result? Send an email, wait 15 minutes, look for a response... check your cell for a voice mail, check cell for text... check computer in case you missed the ping of a new email. Go back to cell... Run errands, checking cell to see if an email or text has come in... Get home, check computer for email... etc, etc, etc... round and round we go. It makes me dizzier than a merry-go-round. And sometimes, just as frustrated... The amusing part of all of it is that we all like to think that it is thanks to technology that we are all MORE connected and have access to each other instantly. The reality is that we have instant access, so long as both sides of the conversation are engaged...
At work, this takes on a whole new dimension... Work is crazy these days and I find that the blessing and curse of a corporate Blackjack is that at all times I know exactly who is looking for me and needs me to resolve an issue... I also find myself tossing and turning instead of sleeping because I am getting voice mails or emails in the evening telling me we have a "problem" with something at work. The sleepless nights are as much my fault as anything... If I could just turn the dumb phone off when I got home instead of checking it a couple times each evening, I wouldn't know there was a problem...until AFTER I had a good night's rest.
So, I guess the lesson here is this... Technology is wonderful in a host of ways, but you also have to learn how to take yourself off the grid and just let things happen. The reality is that a few hours "off" isn't typically going to be a problem... as soon as you are connected again you'll be able to catch right up with everyone!
The result? Send an email, wait 15 minutes, look for a response... check your cell for a voice mail, check cell for text... check computer in case you missed the ping of a new email. Go back to cell... Run errands, checking cell to see if an email or text has come in... Get home, check computer for email... etc, etc, etc... round and round we go. It makes me dizzier than a merry-go-round. And sometimes, just as frustrated... The amusing part of all of it is that we all like to think that it is thanks to technology that we are all MORE connected and have access to each other instantly. The reality is that we have instant access, so long as both sides of the conversation are engaged...
At work, this takes on a whole new dimension... Work is crazy these days and I find that the blessing and curse of a corporate Blackjack is that at all times I know exactly who is looking for me and needs me to resolve an issue... I also find myself tossing and turning instead of sleeping because I am getting voice mails or emails in the evening telling me we have a "problem" with something at work. The sleepless nights are as much my fault as anything... If I could just turn the dumb phone off when I got home instead of checking it a couple times each evening, I wouldn't know there was a problem...until AFTER I had a good night's rest.
So, I guess the lesson here is this... Technology is wonderful in a host of ways, but you also have to learn how to take yourself off the grid and just let things happen. The reality is that a few hours "off" isn't typically going to be a problem... as soon as you are connected again you'll be able to catch right up with everyone!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
How to be a Good Mom...
What makes a mom "good" at being a mom? Who even decides? I recently had drinks with some mom friends and one of them said during the conversation "I'm not a good mom, I have to try hard to be a good mom, work on it"... as you might expect, the other moms all disputed this, reassuring her that of course she is a good mom! I got to thinking about her comment later and realized, I actually feel the same way...
Some women naturally take to mothering... they have the patience, imagination, caring nature, etc. that just makes being a mom come easy to them. But, for some of us, I think it is safe to say that it does take some real focus to be a good mom. Now, the definition of "good mom", is also somewhat ambiguous, but in general it turns out to be whatever ideal the "not so good" moms think the good moms have defined it to be.
Why do we do this to ourselves? In part (for those of us who work), I think this has to do with some insecurity about whether we have made the right decisions about having a family and a career... I think we put the pressure on ourselves, believing that everyone else is judging us on that decision. But, I also think part of the issue is pushing ourselves to be perfect all the time at being moms...as if anything less than perfection means that our children will grow up to be juvenile delinquents. Not so in most cases... Maybe, when we are less than perfect, it even teaches our kids that it is okay to make mistakes. After all, the world is full of imperfection...this we know.
Regardless... For those of us that feel less than natural at the job, we do have to make the extra effort to feel like we are doing a good job. There is nothing wrong with making it a priority to focus on being a mom, right? So, maybe, it is okay to have that little voice in your head to "coach" you when you are about to lose your patience and strangle a toddler that won't listen. I think that just means we are aware of the things we do and the impact those actions have on our kids. I do think we have to be careful, however, not to push ourselves all the time to analyze every decision we make or judge ourselves harshly when we make a few mistakes along the way.
And to my mom friend who thinks she isn't a good mom... I know you are a good mom...you are real to your kids and your success is seen every day in their achievements. So, your focus is working...but don't be so hard on yourself and celebrate those successes! And if you need some help with the celebrating part... you know who to call.
Some women naturally take to mothering... they have the patience, imagination, caring nature, etc. that just makes being a mom come easy to them. But, for some of us, I think it is safe to say that it does take some real focus to be a good mom. Now, the definition of "good mom", is also somewhat ambiguous, but in general it turns out to be whatever ideal the "not so good" moms think the good moms have defined it to be.
Why do we do this to ourselves? In part (for those of us who work), I think this has to do with some insecurity about whether we have made the right decisions about having a family and a career... I think we put the pressure on ourselves, believing that everyone else is judging us on that decision. But, I also think part of the issue is pushing ourselves to be perfect all the time at being moms...as if anything less than perfection means that our children will grow up to be juvenile delinquents. Not so in most cases... Maybe, when we are less than perfect, it even teaches our kids that it is okay to make mistakes. After all, the world is full of imperfection...this we know.
Regardless... For those of us that feel less than natural at the job, we do have to make the extra effort to feel like we are doing a good job. There is nothing wrong with making it a priority to focus on being a mom, right? So, maybe, it is okay to have that little voice in your head to "coach" you when you are about to lose your patience and strangle a toddler that won't listen. I think that just means we are aware of the things we do and the impact those actions have on our kids. I do think we have to be careful, however, not to push ourselves all the time to analyze every decision we make or judge ourselves harshly when we make a few mistakes along the way.
And to my mom friend who thinks she isn't a good mom... I know you are a good mom...you are real to your kids and your success is seen every day in their achievements. So, your focus is working...but don't be so hard on yourself and celebrate those successes! And if you need some help with the celebrating part... you know who to call.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Fairy Tales...
O has been on a princess kick for quite some time... I am not really sure how it started. Actually, I find it interesting that it just sort of happened... She loves to put on her princess dress, her fancy heels, her crown, and then dance around the house putting spells on people with her magic wand. But it isn't just about the getup, it is also about her favorite fairy tales... she adores Sleeping Beauty, and Beauty and the Beast especially. The stories are part of the attraction.
And somehow, the stories from our childhoods seem to turn into a grownup fascination with fairy tales, too. What I wonder is this... Is there some gene in girls that just makes us want to dress up and be surrounded by all things magical? And why does the dress up from our childhood seem to turn into an endless search for our own fairy tale? Why do those fairy tales seem to require that the "happily ever after" includes true love? When does the fantasy from our childhood change from loving the glitter and magic to wanting to be rescued?
Examples of grownup fairy tales are everywhere... television and movies provide countless versions of an age-old formula. From Hope Floats to Dirty Dancing, time and again we see the princess get her prince and ride off into the sunset. But does that ever really happen? Really? Is there such a thing as a soul mate? Are some people just destined to find each other, or is it just lucky when it happens? Are we all just hopeless romantics? Or is it hopeful romantics? Does watching all those movies just make us believe in all of it more, or give us a place to escape and a few hours to believe it could be?
To say that my view on this is somewhat jaded might be an understatement... The truth is that I think I stopped believing in soul mates and fairy tales quite some time ago. But, like so many others, I find myself just as enamored with all those same stories... In Pretty Woman, when Vivian asks Kit "who does it work out for?" and her answer is "cinda-fuckin-rella", I smirk every time... and yet half an hour later Edward climbs up the fire escape and wisks her away... Is it the sarcasm that has me watching that movie over and over, or the idea that maybe, some times, things do have a way of working out even if you've made all the wrong choices up until now?
And somehow, the stories from our childhoods seem to turn into a grownup fascination with fairy tales, too. What I wonder is this... Is there some gene in girls that just makes us want to dress up and be surrounded by all things magical? And why does the dress up from our childhood seem to turn into an endless search for our own fairy tale? Why do those fairy tales seem to require that the "happily ever after" includes true love? When does the fantasy from our childhood change from loving the glitter and magic to wanting to be rescued?
Examples of grownup fairy tales are everywhere... television and movies provide countless versions of an age-old formula. From Hope Floats to Dirty Dancing, time and again we see the princess get her prince and ride off into the sunset. But does that ever really happen? Really? Is there such a thing as a soul mate? Are some people just destined to find each other, or is it just lucky when it happens? Are we all just hopeless romantics? Or is it hopeful romantics? Does watching all those movies just make us believe in all of it more, or give us a place to escape and a few hours to believe it could be?
To say that my view on this is somewhat jaded might be an understatement... The truth is that I think I stopped believing in soul mates and fairy tales quite some time ago. But, like so many others, I find myself just as enamored with all those same stories... In Pretty Woman, when Vivian asks Kit "who does it work out for?" and her answer is "cinda-fuckin-rella", I smirk every time... and yet half an hour later Edward climbs up the fire escape and wisks her away... Is it the sarcasm that has me watching that movie over and over, or the idea that maybe, some times, things do have a way of working out even if you've made all the wrong choices up until now?
Saturday, September 5, 2009
All is right...
You know the saying, "all is right in the world"? It seems impossible, right? All being right in the world... I mean, let's just take a look around the world... War, hunger, sickness, despair, loss... rarely is ALL right in the world. It seems impossible, really, that everything would be right everywhere. But, let's take the same logic and apply it to a smaller world... your own.
There are those days that I do think to myself... things are just right. Take for instance this weekend... O is home with me for a nice long weekend. We have no real plans beyond an impromptu family picnic that has been thrown together in the last few hours. She is taking her nap, and I just have to say that while I am alone, it feels different than being here without her. There is something right about things when she is here with me, even if she is sleeping upstairs.
So... what makes your world feel right? I know that it may sound trite... but there really is a lot to be said for the simple things. Many times the small things are what makes things right... just being with someone that you love, and knowing they are close, can make all the difference. Here is hoping that things are right in your world...
There are those days that I do think to myself... things are just right. Take for instance this weekend... O is home with me for a nice long weekend. We have no real plans beyond an impromptu family picnic that has been thrown together in the last few hours. She is taking her nap, and I just have to say that while I am alone, it feels different than being here without her. There is something right about things when she is here with me, even if she is sleeping upstairs.
So... what makes your world feel right? I know that it may sound trite... but there really is a lot to be said for the simple things. Many times the small things are what makes things right... just being with someone that you love, and knowing they are close, can make all the difference. Here is hoping that things are right in your world...
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Fly Away...
My dad and brother are pilots... not, its my job to be a pilot, pilots, but its my hobby to fly, pilots. They have shared this hobby for quite some time... 10 years ago my brother got his license to fly, and on the heels of getting that, they bought their first plane together. It is a small four-seater...a Piper Cherokee. Just a few short years after they purchased the plane, my dad got his license. To sum it up, flying has been a part of our family for many years...
While my dad and brother love to fly, and their spouses seem to be good with it, too, and my nephews have been crazy about it, I have historically been the one to try and avoid flying. Not that I don't have faith that the two of them know what they are doing, but more about the fact that flying in a very small plane does not make me very comfortable. Frankly, flying in a big plane doesn't really thrill me either, but I'll do it to get where I just can't drive to...
After many years of quite successfully avoiding flying, my dad decided that O might find it appealing and basically guilt-tripped me into our first flight together (my motto: if we go down, we go down together). That was when O was about 2. Since that first flight... yes, she loves it, and I have now been trapped into flying on a very regular basis. So, periodically, we make a trip that involves flying to somewhere that has a restaurant/ice cream stand close to the airport... we fly there, we eat, we fly home. So far, so good...everyone lives...
Today, my dad wanted to make a trip with my step-mom, O and I to the Mississippi river... there is an airport in Cassville, WI that borders the river and has a park very close to the airport. He wanted to take us all there for a picnic, knowing that O would love to play at the park, too. We took off from their home airport on a beautiful summer day...it was the first time I have flown on a day that there were big, puffy clouds in the sky. It was amazing! We flew above these magnificent clouds for most of the way to Cassville...
At some point in our flight there I realized... I no longer dread flying!? I have now gone so many places, thanks to my dad and O, that I have basically forgotten that I was nervous about flying in that little plane. I now find myself actually relaxing and enjoying how unique it is to have the experiences that we have had... The bottom line is that not too many families can say that they can spend an afternoon going on a trip that would be 7-hours round-trip in the car, just because they have an airplane of their own. O and I are truly lucky...
While my dad and brother love to fly, and their spouses seem to be good with it, too, and my nephews have been crazy about it, I have historically been the one to try and avoid flying. Not that I don't have faith that the two of them know what they are doing, but more about the fact that flying in a very small plane does not make me very comfortable. Frankly, flying in a big plane doesn't really thrill me either, but I'll do it to get where I just can't drive to...
After many years of quite successfully avoiding flying, my dad decided that O might find it appealing and basically guilt-tripped me into our first flight together (my motto: if we go down, we go down together). That was when O was about 2. Since that first flight... yes, she loves it, and I have now been trapped into flying on a very regular basis. So, periodically, we make a trip that involves flying to somewhere that has a restaurant/ice cream stand close to the airport... we fly there, we eat, we fly home. So far, so good...everyone lives...
Today, my dad wanted to make a trip with my step-mom, O and I to the Mississippi river... there is an airport in Cassville, WI that borders the river and has a park very close to the airport. He wanted to take us all there for a picnic, knowing that O would love to play at the park, too. We took off from their home airport on a beautiful summer day...it was the first time I have flown on a day that there were big, puffy clouds in the sky. It was amazing! We flew above these magnificent clouds for most of the way to Cassville...
At some point in our flight there I realized... I no longer dread flying!? I have now gone so many places, thanks to my dad and O, that I have basically forgotten that I was nervous about flying in that little plane. I now find myself actually relaxing and enjoying how unique it is to have the experiences that we have had... The bottom line is that not too many families can say that they can spend an afternoon going on a trip that would be 7-hours round-trip in the car, just because they have an airplane of their own. O and I are truly lucky...
Sunday, August 16, 2009
The Dance...
Little O just recently started her very first dance class... "creative movement and pre-ballet" with Miss Amy. So far, O has learned how to plie and she has learned retire... I can barely pronounce either, let alone explain them, but her teacher is very good at boiling the moves down to simple terms and teaching the girls how to do them. I am very impressed so far... O does not appear particularly graceful when she demonstrates the moves, but I am sure that will come in time. And let's face it... at this age, it is really about the super cute tutu that she will get to wear at a recital, right?!
Anyway, all of the dancing that O has been doing has also inspired me... I am really just a frustrated dancer at heart... all of my life, from little one and on, I wished I could be a dancer. I did not, however, come from a family that believed that type of activity was worthwhile, so no dance lessons for me. But, at this stage in my life, I have become intrigued with the idea of learning to dance now... I have been checking into adult beginner tap lessons... how much fun does that sound like?! Seems like it would be a great workout, as well as an opportunity to learn something new and take my very first dance class! So what is holding me back? I haven't signed up yet anywhere... The not signing up is for one reason mostly...many of the studios require that you participate in a "recital" at the end of the class. Are you kidding me?
For most of my life, I have avoided all things related to being on stage, being video-taped, etc...you get the idea. For those of you that have known me a long time, my fear of the "stage" seems unlikely considering that I was a cheerleader for six-years and have always been considered "outgoing"... Here is what you have to keep in mind... as a cheerleader, I was just one in the pack, and was not ever singled out really. There is a certain safety in being a part of the crowd as it were...
It has recently been suggested to me that perhaps this would be my opportunity to step out of my comfort zone and conquer a long-time fear... I keep trying to go back to the fact that all I am looking for is an opportunity to try something new and also get a great workout. Who said anything about trying to step outside my comfort zone???? I am perfectly happy staying "offstage"...
All of this has me thinking about one thing... all of life really is a dance. Some of us dance to the beat of a different drummer...we go out of our way to defy the odds, make our own rules, do things in our own way regardless of how others feel. There are those of us who dance to everyone else's tune... so afraid of making a mistake or disappointing others that we decide to just "go along" because it is so much easier. So, what kind of dancer are you?
I would like to be the person who dances to their own tune, but I think the reality is that I am somewhere between that and dancing to everyone else's tune. Perhaps that makes me the tap dancer that I aspire to be...taping around the real issues. Some days I get through just fine, on my own, strong and secure, and others I have the daring to do that thing outside my comfort zone... Mostly, I come close to doing the things I really want to do, but just can't quite convince myself that I really can do them... Does that mean I am a tap dancer already?
Anyway, all of the dancing that O has been doing has also inspired me... I am really just a frustrated dancer at heart... all of my life, from little one and on, I wished I could be a dancer. I did not, however, come from a family that believed that type of activity was worthwhile, so no dance lessons for me. But, at this stage in my life, I have become intrigued with the idea of learning to dance now... I have been checking into adult beginner tap lessons... how much fun does that sound like?! Seems like it would be a great workout, as well as an opportunity to learn something new and take my very first dance class! So what is holding me back? I haven't signed up yet anywhere... The not signing up is for one reason mostly...many of the studios require that you participate in a "recital" at the end of the class. Are you kidding me?
For most of my life, I have avoided all things related to being on stage, being video-taped, etc...you get the idea. For those of you that have known me a long time, my fear of the "stage" seems unlikely considering that I was a cheerleader for six-years and have always been considered "outgoing"... Here is what you have to keep in mind... as a cheerleader, I was just one in the pack, and was not ever singled out really. There is a certain safety in being a part of the crowd as it were...
It has recently been suggested to me that perhaps this would be my opportunity to step out of my comfort zone and conquer a long-time fear... I keep trying to go back to the fact that all I am looking for is an opportunity to try something new and also get a great workout. Who said anything about trying to step outside my comfort zone???? I am perfectly happy staying "offstage"...
All of this has me thinking about one thing... all of life really is a dance. Some of us dance to the beat of a different drummer...we go out of our way to defy the odds, make our own rules, do things in our own way regardless of how others feel. There are those of us who dance to everyone else's tune... so afraid of making a mistake or disappointing others that we decide to just "go along" because it is so much easier. So, what kind of dancer are you?
I would like to be the person who dances to their own tune, but I think the reality is that I am somewhere between that and dancing to everyone else's tune. Perhaps that makes me the tap dancer that I aspire to be...taping around the real issues. Some days I get through just fine, on my own, strong and secure, and others I have the daring to do that thing outside my comfort zone... Mostly, I come close to doing the things I really want to do, but just can't quite convince myself that I really can do them... Does that mean I am a tap dancer already?
Monday, August 10, 2009
Annual camping trip...
My dad has this picture of me from when I was little... I must have been 4 or 5-years old, in my grandparents greenhouse, sitting on a little wood stool in front of an old, deep, metal bucket filled with potting soil. I have twin braids in my hair, a sprinkling of freckles across my sunburned nose, and the biggest, happiest smile on my face. This is my dad's favorite picture...it even hangs in his kitchen, and he gave me a framed copy of it that hangs in my hallway upstairs. When things seem a little tough, this is a picture I have often looked at and said to myself "that is you; you can be that girl again". It is yet another reminder that sometimes simple can be best... a running theme I am always working on remembering.
Speaking of keeping that in mind... this past weekend was our annual family camping trip. Each year, my dad and step-mom choose a place for our entire family to camp for a long weekend. Because we all have families and live all over, it is our one chance each year to get together and really have some good time to catch up with each other. This year we were really excited because my sister came home from Boston with her one-year old son to join our little expedition...
In theory, this was going to be the best fun ever... all weekend for the kids to play with each other, the adults to get some time to rest and relax, all while enjoying nature. Now those who know me well will say that I don't come off as a very "outdoorsy" kind of girl...and really, I'm not. But for my dad and step-mom, I will gladly pretend that I am...for one weekend each year, that is.
So, now the reality... The weather gods must not have heard about our plans... Friday we did get to the campground and setup prior to the rain starting... it just kept right on raining, however, for most of the evening. It did finally stop long enough for a campfire, which I didn't get much chance to enjoy because it was way past O's bedtime, and I hoped to get her to sleep so that she was ready for a full day Sat. But, a 7x7 tent with two toddlers and two adult women turns out not to be the ideal recipe for sleep. This became especially clear at 2:30am when O had a little accident that resulted in me trying to not awaken my sister and nephew while using paper towels and baby wipes to clean up the mess. Not much sleep going on...
Saturday, the weather finally cleared before lunch, and we had the chance to take the kids to the beach, and then to the pool for a full afternoon of swimming. They were thrilled! I was just so glad to be dry and to finally have a chance to shower while O napped, that I hardly knew what to do with myself. Sat night we went from sleeping in a wet tent, to sleeping in a very hot, humid, damp tent... this time O and I were on our own, as my sister and nephew joined the crew in the camper. Night two, no puddles to clean in the middle of the night, but not much sleeping going on...again.
Sunday morning was beautiful... we could finally sit at the picnic table that had dried out overnight, had breakfast, then took the kids to the pool for one last swim before packing our things up. The packing up went smoothly, and we actually managed to get everything ready to go...right before it started to rain and storm again. Made for an interesting ride home, but at least we were in a dry, temperature controlled car for the ride home.
All of this adds up to a less than ideal weekend... But, here is what I choose to remember...here is my list of the good things: The two-hours of uninterrupted conversation my sister and I had on the way to the campground while the kids slept the whole way; O and the heart sticker she put in the perfect place; those chocolate chip pancakes only Papa can make; baby A's "uh oh" at all the right times; the pure comedy of trying to find the lost car keys, in the dark, following cleanup from the peeing incident; Uncle Jay launching Nate in the pool a million times; O being so proud of jumping into the pool on her own and without fear; Aunt Candy taking O for a shower; Papa's birthday shirt surprise; O and Aunt Angie playing bean bag toss; Andrew, playing with the "big boys"; s'mores cooked just right; Dad and Sue just so happy to have us there, together...
So, like the girl in the greenhouse, just happy to play in the dirt, I am going to remember that the simplest things were the best parts of the weekend... And before you know it, it will be time for our next family camping adventure! I just have to get all the gear dried out before then...
Speaking of keeping that in mind... this past weekend was our annual family camping trip. Each year, my dad and step-mom choose a place for our entire family to camp for a long weekend. Because we all have families and live all over, it is our one chance each year to get together and really have some good time to catch up with each other. This year we were really excited because my sister came home from Boston with her one-year old son to join our little expedition...
In theory, this was going to be the best fun ever... all weekend for the kids to play with each other, the adults to get some time to rest and relax, all while enjoying nature. Now those who know me well will say that I don't come off as a very "outdoorsy" kind of girl...and really, I'm not. But for my dad and step-mom, I will gladly pretend that I am...for one weekend each year, that is.
So, now the reality... The weather gods must not have heard about our plans... Friday we did get to the campground and setup prior to the rain starting... it just kept right on raining, however, for most of the evening. It did finally stop long enough for a campfire, which I didn't get much chance to enjoy because it was way past O's bedtime, and I hoped to get her to sleep so that she was ready for a full day Sat. But, a 7x7 tent with two toddlers and two adult women turns out not to be the ideal recipe for sleep. This became especially clear at 2:30am when O had a little accident that resulted in me trying to not awaken my sister and nephew while using paper towels and baby wipes to clean up the mess. Not much sleep going on...
Saturday, the weather finally cleared before lunch, and we had the chance to take the kids to the beach, and then to the pool for a full afternoon of swimming. They were thrilled! I was just so glad to be dry and to finally have a chance to shower while O napped, that I hardly knew what to do with myself. Sat night we went from sleeping in a wet tent, to sleeping in a very hot, humid, damp tent... this time O and I were on our own, as my sister and nephew joined the crew in the camper. Night two, no puddles to clean in the middle of the night, but not much sleeping going on...again.
Sunday morning was beautiful... we could finally sit at the picnic table that had dried out overnight, had breakfast, then took the kids to the pool for one last swim before packing our things up. The packing up went smoothly, and we actually managed to get everything ready to go...right before it started to rain and storm again. Made for an interesting ride home, but at least we were in a dry, temperature controlled car for the ride home.
All of this adds up to a less than ideal weekend... But, here is what I choose to remember...here is my list of the good things: The two-hours of uninterrupted conversation my sister and I had on the way to the campground while the kids slept the whole way; O and the heart sticker she put in the perfect place; those chocolate chip pancakes only Papa can make; baby A's "uh oh" at all the right times; the pure comedy of trying to find the lost car keys, in the dark, following cleanup from the peeing incident; Uncle Jay launching Nate in the pool a million times; O being so proud of jumping into the pool on her own and without fear; Aunt Candy taking O for a shower; Papa's birthday shirt surprise; O and Aunt Angie playing bean bag toss; Andrew, playing with the "big boys"; s'mores cooked just right; Dad and Sue just so happy to have us there, together...
So, like the girl in the greenhouse, just happy to play in the dirt, I am going to remember that the simplest things were the best parts of the weekend... And before you know it, it will be time for our next family camping adventure! I just have to get all the gear dried out before then...
Thursday, July 30, 2009
My Star...
This is an exciting week for Little O... she, and another friend of hers, are the "stars of the week" at preschool. Being the star of the week is quite the honor... it was all calendared out at the beginning of the summer so that every child (or, let's get real, every child's mother) knew when it would be his/her turn. So, here we are at the end of July and FINALLY it was O's turn to shine! It has been an excruciating wait to get to this point... Every week she would ask me... "mama, it my turn to be star of the week?" And each week I would have to tell her, "no, just a few more weeks, days, hours"...you get the point. Last week there were tears when I informed her it was not yet her turn. Fortunately, when I told her that last week was her week to "practice" being the star she was temporarily satisfied.
Tuesday morning... O was up early and excited to finally be the star. We picked out two books to take to school to share with her friends...because, hey, the star of the week gets to bring in their favorite books. I think I may have been at work a whole 10 minutes (not long enough to get that much needed first cup of coffee) when my phone rang and it was O's teacher... "O says that you forgot to bring her treat for star of the week?" I proceeded to tell Vanessa that no, I didn't forget, we would bring her treat Friday.
Wednesday morning... In my car, on the way to work, cell phone is ringing... Little O's Dad is on the phone... "O says that you forgot to take the treat to school for star of the week?" You already know the end of this conversation... No, didn't forget...Friday.
Thursday morning... Do you see the pattern here? In an effort to prevent the whole "you forgot the treat" conversation from happening yet again, I reminded O at bedtime the night before that we were not bringing a treat to share with her friends until Friday. When I picked her up from school late this afternoon, however, she informed me that they didn't have a special snack because I forgot the treat. But, that "otay, mama" we can bring the treat "morrow". Great idea...
So, here I am Thursday night... Can I tell you just how glad I will be to take the dumb treat to school tomorrow?! It is sitting out on the counter, ready to go, because god forbid I leave the house in the morning without it and actually forget it for real! Which...would actually be about right after having been reminded about it every day this week...
Moral of the story? Apparently being the star of the week is really a test for the mothers to come up with creative ways to stall... Or is it just about the treat? That seems to be O's favorite thing about being star of the week. The cutest thing to come out of the week is a conversation O and I had earlier in the week in which she asked me "mama, when YOU have a turn to be the star of the week?" Huh, I didn't see that on the calendar...
Tuesday morning... O was up early and excited to finally be the star. We picked out two books to take to school to share with her friends...because, hey, the star of the week gets to bring in their favorite books. I think I may have been at work a whole 10 minutes (not long enough to get that much needed first cup of coffee) when my phone rang and it was O's teacher... "O says that you forgot to bring her treat for star of the week?" I proceeded to tell Vanessa that no, I didn't forget, we would bring her treat Friday.
Wednesday morning... In my car, on the way to work, cell phone is ringing... Little O's Dad is on the phone... "O says that you forgot to take the treat to school for star of the week?" You already know the end of this conversation... No, didn't forget...Friday.
Thursday morning... Do you see the pattern here? In an effort to prevent the whole "you forgot the treat" conversation from happening yet again, I reminded O at bedtime the night before that we were not bringing a treat to share with her friends until Friday. When I picked her up from school late this afternoon, however, she informed me that they didn't have a special snack because I forgot the treat. But, that "otay, mama" we can bring the treat "morrow". Great idea...
So, here I am Thursday night... Can I tell you just how glad I will be to take the dumb treat to school tomorrow?! It is sitting out on the counter, ready to go, because god forbid I leave the house in the morning without it and actually forget it for real! Which...would actually be about right after having been reminded about it every day this week...
Moral of the story? Apparently being the star of the week is really a test for the mothers to come up with creative ways to stall... Or is it just about the treat? That seems to be O's favorite thing about being star of the week. The cutest thing to come out of the week is a conversation O and I had earlier in the week in which she asked me "mama, when YOU have a turn to be the star of the week?" Huh, I didn't see that on the calendar...
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Endurance...
Every day I see examples of strength... I see it in people like my step-brother... I watched him compete in a triathalon today...a grueling 1/4 mile swim, 18-mile bike ride, 3 1/2 mile run in cold, windy, challenging conditions. What amazed me was the joy in him when he was done...no complaints or concerns about conditions, just pure happiness with a time that put him 4th or 5th in his age group.
But I see strength in other demonstrations, too, those beyond the physical...the mental and emotional ones. So often, it is the women in my life who make me stand up and take notice as they face their daily challenges and then overcome them. I see strength in the moms that I know, who fight for children that face physical and mental challenges; I see it in women who struggle to make marriages work day in and day out, despite what that demands of them; I see it in my friends who face their own emotional challenges, but put their needs behind those of all the others in their lives; I see it in the sacrifices that so many make to ensure that those who surround them have the best of everything.
Generally, I think most of us believe that we do not have the strength to meet all of life's challenges... But what I have learned is that often we just don't know the depth of our own strength until it is tested. We look at those around us and for a moment we are thankful we don't have to deal with all of the things that those others have to handle. While our own problems seem small when compared to others, I have also found that everyone has their own "thing" to manage. And I have also determined that when tested, we rarely fail to meet those challenges... So, like my step-brother, face the challenges head-on and don't forget to take a moment to celebrate the achievements.
But I see strength in other demonstrations, too, those beyond the physical...the mental and emotional ones. So often, it is the women in my life who make me stand up and take notice as they face their daily challenges and then overcome them. I see strength in the moms that I know, who fight for children that face physical and mental challenges; I see it in women who struggle to make marriages work day in and day out, despite what that demands of them; I see it in my friends who face their own emotional challenges, but put their needs behind those of all the others in their lives; I see it in the sacrifices that so many make to ensure that those who surround them have the best of everything.
Generally, I think most of us believe that we do not have the strength to meet all of life's challenges... But what I have learned is that often we just don't know the depth of our own strength until it is tested. We look at those around us and for a moment we are thankful we don't have to deal with all of the things that those others have to handle. While our own problems seem small when compared to others, I have also found that everyone has their own "thing" to manage. And I have also determined that when tested, we rarely fail to meet those challenges... So, like my step-brother, face the challenges head-on and don't forget to take a moment to celebrate the achievements.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
The Dating Game...
So I have been thinking a lot lately about dating... Mostly I have been thinking that while it would be good for me to get out and have an adult conversation and meet some new people, I just don't know if I am ready to put myself out there.
I keep having this conversation in my head that goes something like this... "yeah, I've been married...twice actually... oh, and I have a three-year old daughter". Every man's dream come true...yup, that's me. Or maybe I am just his mother's dream come true?! I do have quite the resume... Okay, so I don't have to lead off with my tragic life story, but how long before you confess your "sins" to someone?
The things I do know are these... I don't want another serious relationship, I don't want someone who wants to be involved in my daughter's life, and I don't ever want to get married again. I do however hope to have sex again before I die. Who wouldn't want to date me, right?! I can't figure out if all of this means I should just stay away from dating all together because I am just not ready, or if it is okay to meet people and look for casual friendship-type situations (with a side of kissing)? I can't be the only person in my age group that doesn't want to get married ever again, can I???
So... I have two girlfriends who have "friends" that they want me to meet... I have suggested I am interested as long as everyone is clear it is a casual situation. I am having doubts, however, about whether or not they understand how serious I am about that. This could be a real disaster if I end up hurting some guy's feelings because I am just not interested or he is too serious... then I have to contend with my girlfriend's feelings, too.
Am I over-thinking all of this? I have been out of the dating game for so long that I don't even know what the heck I am doing. Compound that with the fact that I am insecure about my history and not sure I am even ready to be "in the game". This could turn out to be interesting...at least it will give me some more things to write about. Stay tuned...
I keep having this conversation in my head that goes something like this... "yeah, I've been married...twice actually... oh, and I have a three-year old daughter". Every man's dream come true...yup, that's me. Or maybe I am just his mother's dream come true?! I do have quite the resume... Okay, so I don't have to lead off with my tragic life story, but how long before you confess your "sins" to someone?
The things I do know are these... I don't want another serious relationship, I don't want someone who wants to be involved in my daughter's life, and I don't ever want to get married again. I do however hope to have sex again before I die. Who wouldn't want to date me, right?! I can't figure out if all of this means I should just stay away from dating all together because I am just not ready, or if it is okay to meet people and look for casual friendship-type situations (with a side of kissing)? I can't be the only person in my age group that doesn't want to get married ever again, can I???
So... I have two girlfriends who have "friends" that they want me to meet... I have suggested I am interested as long as everyone is clear it is a casual situation. I am having doubts, however, about whether or not they understand how serious I am about that. This could be a real disaster if I end up hurting some guy's feelings because I am just not interested or he is too serious... then I have to contend with my girlfriend's feelings, too.
Am I over-thinking all of this? I have been out of the dating game for so long that I don't even know what the heck I am doing. Compound that with the fact that I am insecure about my history and not sure I am even ready to be "in the game". This could turn out to be interesting...at least it will give me some more things to write about. Stay tuned...
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Potty Training vs. MBA: Which is More Difficult?
Okay... We have officially been "potty training" for an entire year...yes, one year. Not sure which is worse, the fact that it has been going on for so long, or that I am beyond the shame of admitting that it has been going on for so long.
O is a stubborn one... at first, the novelty of it all sucked her into being cooperative. She would sit on her little potty chair for hours, reading books, magazines, whatever. Then she decided that the potty chair wasn't interesting... She needed to sit on the "big" potty... That seemed like a good idea to me...we were making progress. Soon, Dora seat on the toilet to be sure she wouldn't fall in, we were all about going like a big girl. She even started to actually go... Soon that lost its appeal, too, and no bribery of any sort would get her interested. I would tell her it was time to go potty and she would say "no tanks, mama". Okay...this is not a no thanks moment. Lately, I thought we were close...she is keeping her pull-ups dry, so we made the big switch to the "big-girl panties". She was all about the panties...showing people the ones with the turtles on them, etc. However, this morning she informed me that she wasn't going to wear her panties anymore because her princess pull-ups are her favorite. Great news...looks like a trip to Target for princess panties is going to need to happen.
To complicate things further... while I have been pretty intent on this project for the last several months, the other half of the parent equation has not been. At one point I was informed that he was "not very impressed with her potty training". Huh, didn't realize she was suppose to be impressing us with her new skill?! Compounding the situation is O's new pre-school teachers who routinely send her home in a pull-up that is so wet it is hanging to her knees. Are you kidding me? Needless to say, I am planning to fix these two problems by sending her to school in panties... the teachers will pay more attention after they clean a few puddles. Hopefully, dad will also get the message.
Here's the final analysis... It takes a village to potty train a toddler...everyone needs to be on the same page or it just does not work. Potty training or an MBA? My advice is go back to grad school...it is MUCH easier.
O is a stubborn one... at first, the novelty of it all sucked her into being cooperative. She would sit on her little potty chair for hours, reading books, magazines, whatever. Then she decided that the potty chair wasn't interesting... She needed to sit on the "big" potty... That seemed like a good idea to me...we were making progress. Soon, Dora seat on the toilet to be sure she wouldn't fall in, we were all about going like a big girl. She even started to actually go... Soon that lost its appeal, too, and no bribery of any sort would get her interested. I would tell her it was time to go potty and she would say "no tanks, mama". Okay...this is not a no thanks moment. Lately, I thought we were close...she is keeping her pull-ups dry, so we made the big switch to the "big-girl panties". She was all about the panties...showing people the ones with the turtles on them, etc. However, this morning she informed me that she wasn't going to wear her panties anymore because her princess pull-ups are her favorite. Great news...looks like a trip to Target for princess panties is going to need to happen.
To complicate things further... while I have been pretty intent on this project for the last several months, the other half of the parent equation has not been. At one point I was informed that he was "not very impressed with her potty training". Huh, didn't realize she was suppose to be impressing us with her new skill?! Compounding the situation is O's new pre-school teachers who routinely send her home in a pull-up that is so wet it is hanging to her knees. Are you kidding me? Needless to say, I am planning to fix these two problems by sending her to school in panties... the teachers will pay more attention after they clean a few puddles. Hopefully, dad will also get the message.
Here's the final analysis... It takes a village to potty train a toddler...everyone needs to be on the same page or it just does not work. Potty training or an MBA? My advice is go back to grad school...it is MUCH easier.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Just words...
Tonight, when I called O to see how her day went and tell her good night, she answered the phone by saying "I talk you 'morrow Mom, I not want to talk to you". Okay, so right now you are cringing because you can guess how I took this, but also saying that every Mom has a story about a day their child said something "mean" to them, right?! Every toddler tells their parents that they don't like them for one reason or another...
I know in my heart that she was most likely distracted with some other activity (huh, wouldn't getting ready for bed be a good idea?!?) and just literally in her three-year old mind, did not have time for me. So, why have I spent the last two hours trying to convince myself of this? Why do I start projecting a future in which she wants to be with him because of course he is more fun, rather than spending time with her Mom? Is this really about her, or about me and my fears as a Mother?
So I start to think about how my whole world is focused on O, and maybe that isn't the healthiest for myself or for her? Is this about her trying to establish some independence when she is away from me? Is she trying to figure out for herself how she manages her new routine? Is she trying to figure out how to accept a situation that she hasn't been given a choice in? Or... is she punishing me for making her go through this transition and forcing her to accept changes she doesn't want to accept? Or am I totally over the edge with the analysis and she is just being a sassy three-year old??? No one ever said motherhood would be easy...
I know in my heart that she was most likely distracted with some other activity (huh, wouldn't getting ready for bed be a good idea?!?) and just literally in her three-year old mind, did not have time for me. So, why have I spent the last two hours trying to convince myself of this? Why do I start projecting a future in which she wants to be with him because of course he is more fun, rather than spending time with her Mom? Is this really about her, or about me and my fears as a Mother?
So I start to think about how my whole world is focused on O, and maybe that isn't the healthiest for myself or for her? Is this about her trying to establish some independence when she is away from me? Is she trying to figure out for herself how she manages her new routine? Is she trying to figure out how to accept a situation that she hasn't been given a choice in? Or... is she punishing me for making her go through this transition and forcing her to accept changes she doesn't want to accept? Or am I totally over the edge with the analysis and she is just being a sassy three-year old??? No one ever said motherhood would be easy...
Monday, May 18, 2009
Names...
I wonder... does Little O know just how much I love her? How torn apart I am on the days that she is at her "other" house? At the same time, she has been so naughty, so sassy, and just, well "three" lately, that sometimes I am relieved I'll have a break for a night...and then when I get the break, I am miserable. So, am I miserable because I feel guilty for not being able to handle her "three-ness"? It feels like an emptiness and knot in the pit of my stomach...I am missing my other part. That is not guilt so much as loneliness.
I want to be this strong person who can handle anything, who takes on the challenges of single-motherhood headfirst...but I feel like a miserable failure who can't get her to listen, potty train effectively, or eat her vegetables. No one said the transition would be easy or that she wouldn't try "testing" the new situation. I thought I was expecting it...but, maybe I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was? She has no consistent schedule any more...going to bed at a different time every other night; weekends with Disney dad and boring Mondays with Mom; and a teacher at school that I am convinced pays no attention to her. All of it has me struggling with anxiety and frustration, and I haven't even thrown in the back-and-forth between attorneys going on right now.
I read something in a Jodi Picoult book today that made me pause a second... "when you love someone, you say their name different. Like it's safe inside your mouth". Do you suppose that is true? Is it plain to the ears of the person you love, or do you suppose it is obvious to everyone else, but something they can not hear? Can Little O feel it in her soul the way I love her? Will she understand some day that I always made decisions that I really believed were best for her?
I want to be this strong person who can handle anything, who takes on the challenges of single-motherhood headfirst...but I feel like a miserable failure who can't get her to listen, potty train effectively, or eat her vegetables. No one said the transition would be easy or that she wouldn't try "testing" the new situation. I thought I was expecting it...but, maybe I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was? She has no consistent schedule any more...going to bed at a different time every other night; weekends with Disney dad and boring Mondays with Mom; and a teacher at school that I am convinced pays no attention to her. All of it has me struggling with anxiety and frustration, and I haven't even thrown in the back-and-forth between attorneys going on right now.
I read something in a Jodi Picoult book today that made me pause a second... "when you love someone, you say their name different. Like it's safe inside your mouth". Do you suppose that is true? Is it plain to the ears of the person you love, or do you suppose it is obvious to everyone else, but something they can not hear? Can Little O feel it in her soul the way I love her? Will she understand some day that I always made decisions that I really believed were best for her?
Monday, March 30, 2009
Transitions
Little O and I have been living our "new" life now for a month... some days it seems like it has been so much longer than that, and then in a number of other ways it feels like the new life that it is. This is a time of transition for all of us...
My focus has been on O, and helping her to understand why she now has a new house and an old house, why she has different sets of rules depending on where she is, and why we aren't all together like we used to be. Part of the transition has involved her sleeping in my bed... interestingly, she is sleeping just fine at her dad's house, but when at the home she knows best, insists that she needs to sleep with me. So, in violation of someone's rule on best practices for parenting, I have been letting her... seems like the least I can do considering all of the upheaval in her life.
Speaking of which... as if she didn't have enough going on, she turned three and had to move to her big-girl preschool room at the daycare. Talk about adding insult to injury... I tried to talk them out of moving her, but they ended up convincing me to go along with the change because she is just too smart to stay with the little ones, and they didn't want her to miss out on moving with her friends. Hard to argue against letting her stay with her friends, especially since the alternative was to let her think they, too, were "abandoning" her. Yes, putting it that way, does hit a nerve (or two)...
Needless to say there is enough guilt throughout all of this to last me for quite some time. I literally spend so much time questioning the wisdom of every parenting decision that I make these days, that it wasn't until following her birthday party that I realized I haven't really thought about my own transition. Half-way through happy birthday I had to stop singing or I would have been in tears. I still have these moments where I question how I ended up in this life? How could I have made so many bad choices that I ended up here? That was never my plan, was it? Aren't I smarter than this?
I am not quite sure yet how to handle my own transition to the status of single, working mom. I don't have any doubt that this is the right path, but I just wish I knew how to navigate it a little better. In the meantime, I have plenty to focus on with Little O, and at some point I will figure this new life out for me, too.
My focus has been on O, and helping her to understand why she now has a new house and an old house, why she has different sets of rules depending on where she is, and why we aren't all together like we used to be. Part of the transition has involved her sleeping in my bed... interestingly, she is sleeping just fine at her dad's house, but when at the home she knows best, insists that she needs to sleep with me. So, in violation of someone's rule on best practices for parenting, I have been letting her... seems like the least I can do considering all of the upheaval in her life.
Speaking of which... as if she didn't have enough going on, she turned three and had to move to her big-girl preschool room at the daycare. Talk about adding insult to injury... I tried to talk them out of moving her, but they ended up convincing me to go along with the change because she is just too smart to stay with the little ones, and they didn't want her to miss out on moving with her friends. Hard to argue against letting her stay with her friends, especially since the alternative was to let her think they, too, were "abandoning" her. Yes, putting it that way, does hit a nerve (or two)...
Needless to say there is enough guilt throughout all of this to last me for quite some time. I literally spend so much time questioning the wisdom of every parenting decision that I make these days, that it wasn't until following her birthday party that I realized I haven't really thought about my own transition. Half-way through happy birthday I had to stop singing or I would have been in tears. I still have these moments where I question how I ended up in this life? How could I have made so many bad choices that I ended up here? That was never my plan, was it? Aren't I smarter than this?
I am not quite sure yet how to handle my own transition to the status of single, working mom. I don't have any doubt that this is the right path, but I just wish I knew how to navigate it a little better. In the meantime, I have plenty to focus on with Little O, and at some point I will figure this new life out for me, too.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Dancing Queen...
Little O has become my very own dancing queen... She was turned on to the soundtrack from Mama Mia by one of her teachers at school and there has been no going back. I finally had to download the music to my Ipod so that I can play it immediately upon request and as often as possible. She loves it!
Who would have ever guessed that my 2000's girl would love music that was popular when her mama was a baby?! It is so amazing how all things cycle... music, clothes, the stock market (right?!). There is just no getting around it. What seems to be the newest cool thing, generally turns out to be a remake of sorts of something old.
So, perhaps this is a lesson in recycling... Is it possible to use the same philosophy when trying to recreate yourself? How do you start all over in a whole new life when so much of your life is wrapped up in the past? Do you just remake the old self? A hopefully better, smarter, more experienced version of the old you? I think the key might be to learn the lessons from past mistakes and use them to push forward, rather than letting them hold you back. But, let's face it, that is not always so easy to do. It sure does sound like the right idea...
Who would have ever guessed that my 2000's girl would love music that was popular when her mama was a baby?! It is so amazing how all things cycle... music, clothes, the stock market (right?!). There is just no getting around it. What seems to be the newest cool thing, generally turns out to be a remake of sorts of something old.
So, perhaps this is a lesson in recycling... Is it possible to use the same philosophy when trying to recreate yourself? How do you start all over in a whole new life when so much of your life is wrapped up in the past? Do you just remake the old self? A hopefully better, smarter, more experienced version of the old you? I think the key might be to learn the lessons from past mistakes and use them to push forward, rather than letting them hold you back. But, let's face it, that is not always so easy to do. It sure does sound like the right idea...
Thursday, January 1, 2009
New Year, New Life
Happy New Year! Seems like the past year was both the longest and shortest ever...how is that possible? While the time seems to fly by as I watch Little O grow and change every day, my own life seems to be "stuck" in the same place. But this is a new year... I have finally faced the inevitable and taken the step of filing the papers that mean I will once again be on my own.
So many emotions swirl around this decision... I look forward to "freedom" and the opportunity to focus on O and my job and being the best "me" that I can be. But a small part of me, the part that wants to be okay with being on their own but just isn't sure, wonders if there will ever be another someone who I will matter to. Why do I care about this? I want to want to be on my own from now until forever, and yet there is this insane part of me that seems to want there to be a someone. You would think that by now I had learned my lesson... The rational part of me thinks that the third time is NOT the charm, but the not so rational part of me doesn't want to be alone forever. I keep trying to coach myself into believing that I can be a woman who has men in her life but doesn't let herself fall in love with one of them or depend on one of them for validation. The question is this... how do I make myself believe that it is okay to be alone?
So many emotions swirl around this decision... I look forward to "freedom" and the opportunity to focus on O and my job and being the best "me" that I can be. But a small part of me, the part that wants to be okay with being on their own but just isn't sure, wonders if there will ever be another someone who I will matter to. Why do I care about this? I want to want to be on my own from now until forever, and yet there is this insane part of me that seems to want there to be a someone. You would think that by now I had learned my lesson... The rational part of me thinks that the third time is NOT the charm, but the not so rational part of me doesn't want to be alone forever. I keep trying to coach myself into believing that I can be a woman who has men in her life but doesn't let herself fall in love with one of them or depend on one of them for validation. The question is this... how do I make myself believe that it is okay to be alone?
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