I find that once Christmas is over and the new year is looming I tend to get the post-holiday blues a bit... which then seems to turn into an examination of the previous year, complete with a full analysis of what went well and what did not go quite so well. And, of course, that analysis usually turns into a list of things that I should make happen in the new year...
In an effort to let the past be the past, and focus instead on the future, I thought I would do my best to skip the whole analysis part of things and just be thankful for the best of the past year... because I know that I have much to be thankful for, and I also know that regrets count for very little.
So... here it is... my top 10 for 2010:
10. Olivia goes to Disney World (hard for me, great experience for her; that is why it comes in at 10)...
9. Home Improvements: garage demo; master bed; paint dining room; more windows; projects in sun room
8. My IJL adventures... mostly entertaining for my girlfriends, but some good lessons have been learned!
7. Olivia starts 4K! How can she be so big already?
6. My 20th Class Reunion... good to reconnect with some old friends.
5. O's Princess 4th Birthday Party...
4. Gross/Christman Family Camp 2010... this would move up the list if the weather would ever cooperate!
3. Dad & I road trip to Boston for Thanksgiving with Sara, Josh & Aiden...
2. Sara and I meet in San Francisco for a long, catch up, girls weekend... One of my favorite trips ever!!!
1. A year of good times with family and friends...
Happy New Year everyone... cheers to celebrating the best of the past year and looking forward to all the things to come in the new year!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
The Santa Effect...
Let's face it...the "Santa" window is a very small one. From ages 0 to 3 kids are petrified of the man... he's big, he's loud, and everyone wants you to get right up close to him. You would cry, too...just admit it. Then you move into the next age range... 4 to 8? 9? Maybe 10? Well, during those ages he is everything magical and special and amazing... After age 10 you either pretend that you "believe" for the sake of younger siblings and/or more gifts, or join the rest of the grown-ups who yearn for the days when Santa seemed to be a real possibility.
O is officially in the "believe" stage...she has fallen for the whole thing hook, line and sinker... She asks great questions about him... Does he need photos of what I want? Is he at every event that has a Santa? Where does he keep the naughty list? She has written lists and changed her mind about what she would like several times... And she is VERY concerned about her status on his naughty/nice list.
O's concern about "the list" could possibly be the greatest parental advantage of all time... And, yes, I am exploiting her fear. I remember hearing my own mother tell me that I better behave if I didn't want to end up on Santa's naughty list... And now I hear myself utter the same words... This, my fellow parents, is an opportunity that is short-lived, and that you can not let pass you by. From Thanksgiving to Christmas, at the first HINT of anything sassy, I remind her that she might want to be careful if she wants to be sure she is on Santa's list of good girls. Works like a charm every time...
This really is one of the most magical times of the year... and seeing it all through the eyes of a child is so much better than just going through the motions of it all as an adult. So enjoy the short number of years that your children really and truly believe, and don't forget to use that belief to your own advantage. Merry Christmas!
O is officially in the "believe" stage...she has fallen for the whole thing hook, line and sinker... She asks great questions about him... Does he need photos of what I want? Is he at every event that has a Santa? Where does he keep the naughty list? She has written lists and changed her mind about what she would like several times... And she is VERY concerned about her status on his naughty/nice list.
O's concern about "the list" could possibly be the greatest parental advantage of all time... And, yes, I am exploiting her fear. I remember hearing my own mother tell me that I better behave if I didn't want to end up on Santa's naughty list... And now I hear myself utter the same words... This, my fellow parents, is an opportunity that is short-lived, and that you can not let pass you by. From Thanksgiving to Christmas, at the first HINT of anything sassy, I remind her that she might want to be careful if she wants to be sure she is on Santa's list of good girls. Works like a charm every time...
This really is one of the most magical times of the year... and seeing it all through the eyes of a child is so much better than just going through the motions of it all as an adult. So enjoy the short number of years that your children really and truly believe, and don't forget to use that belief to your own advantage. Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Tripping...
I really like to drive... To me, driving is relaxing; gives me a chance to unwind, sing along to the radio, enjoy the countryside. So, you might think I would jump at the chance to go on a road trip... BUT, when my dad suggested about six weeks ago that he and I should hop in the car and drive out to Boston to surprise my sister for her Birthday/Thanksgiving, I was momentarily paralyzed by the thought of that many hours in the car. Massachusetts is far from Wisconsin...really far...1,100 miles far. I told him I would "think about it" and let him know...
Naturally, my first instinct was to buy my way out East... surely I could find a plane, train, SOMETHING, that was available and would get us out there in less than twenty-hours?!? Ahhhhh... How much is your time worth??? Short of maxing out a credit card or refinancing my house, there was no reasonable way to get to Boston. What did I expect when trying to travel on a holiday, right?!?
After abandoning the hope of finding an economical and yet efficient way to get to Mass., I started the task of convincing myself that a road trip of this magnitude was not that big of a deal... as long as we didn't end up in a blizzard... or fall asleep driving... get lost... hit a deer... Okay, rationalization was not helping. Hmmmm...
What finally convinced me? A memory from the past... When I was twelve or thirteen my family took a road trip to Florida... Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Me. My little sister was the youngest and she had the job of sleeping and/or doing whatever she wanted to do on the way to Florida. My brother and I had to take "shifts" with one of our parents...he hung out with Mom; I hung out with Dad. Our assignment was to keep them awake... Awake? Yes, awake... My dad subscribes to the "let's drive all night so we can get through Chicago in the dark" theory of planning and executing road trips. Never one to just sit still and chat, I chose to find ways to entertain my dad as we drove. Singing along to the radio, using a stuffed dolphin as the microphone... Dressing him up in different sunglasses, etc. and then taking his picture (I still have a picture of him, all "dressed up", on my refrigerator)... Most memorable was probably my mom speaking up from the backseat "are you two awake?", as we BOTH were napping in the front seat...ooops. Such good memories...
There is nothing more convincing for me than a sweet memory from the past... As I contemplated the whole idea, all I could think was "why not?". Why not have the fun of surprising my sister by doing something a little crazy? If I could not spend the holiday with O, shouldn't I try to spend it with as much family as I could? What an opportunity to spend some quality time with my dad, just he and I, catching up with each other... If I didn't go, wouldn't I be mad at myself later for letting the chance slip by? What would I have missed, if I did not go?
We went...and it was a great trip. A completely ridiculous, mind-numbingly long, sometimes funny, sometimes unreal trip. The reaction from my sister alone (my brother-in-law knew we were coming) was truly worth the twenty-hour car ride. I had one of my favorite Thanksgiving's ever... I know that it was a great decision to go and I value the time I had with my family so very much. And the pictures are pretty good, too (I might have a new one for the fridge...think red boa).
Naturally, my first instinct was to buy my way out East... surely I could find a plane, train, SOMETHING, that was available and would get us out there in less than twenty-hours?!? Ahhhhh... How much is your time worth??? Short of maxing out a credit card or refinancing my house, there was no reasonable way to get to Boston. What did I expect when trying to travel on a holiday, right?!?
After abandoning the hope of finding an economical and yet efficient way to get to Mass., I started the task of convincing myself that a road trip of this magnitude was not that big of a deal... as long as we didn't end up in a blizzard... or fall asleep driving... get lost... hit a deer... Okay, rationalization was not helping. Hmmmm...
What finally convinced me? A memory from the past... When I was twelve or thirteen my family took a road trip to Florida... Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Me. My little sister was the youngest and she had the job of sleeping and/or doing whatever she wanted to do on the way to Florida. My brother and I had to take "shifts" with one of our parents...he hung out with Mom; I hung out with Dad. Our assignment was to keep them awake... Awake? Yes, awake... My dad subscribes to the "let's drive all night so we can get through Chicago in the dark" theory of planning and executing road trips. Never one to just sit still and chat, I chose to find ways to entertain my dad as we drove. Singing along to the radio, using a stuffed dolphin as the microphone... Dressing him up in different sunglasses, etc. and then taking his picture (I still have a picture of him, all "dressed up", on my refrigerator)... Most memorable was probably my mom speaking up from the backseat "are you two awake?", as we BOTH were napping in the front seat...ooops. Such good memories...
There is nothing more convincing for me than a sweet memory from the past... As I contemplated the whole idea, all I could think was "why not?". Why not have the fun of surprising my sister by doing something a little crazy? If I could not spend the holiday with O, shouldn't I try to spend it with as much family as I could? What an opportunity to spend some quality time with my dad, just he and I, catching up with each other... If I didn't go, wouldn't I be mad at myself later for letting the chance slip by? What would I have missed, if I did not go?
We went...and it was a great trip. A completely ridiculous, mind-numbingly long, sometimes funny, sometimes unreal trip. The reaction from my sister alone (my brother-in-law knew we were coming) was truly worth the twenty-hour car ride. I had one of my favorite Thanksgiving's ever... I know that it was a great decision to go and I value the time I had with my family so very much. And the pictures are pretty good, too (I might have a new one for the fridge...think red boa).
Monday, November 8, 2010
Review: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love is a favorite of mine... quite truthfully, I think I have read the book completely about three times now. And I have probably read parts of the book another who-knows-how-many times... My copy looks a little ragged... the pages turned over, scribbles on the pages to mark the "good stuff", etc... You can clearly tell that it is a favorite of mine.
My preoccupation with Gilbert's story has a few sources... First, I feel like I can relate to someone who finds herself trying to silently cry in the middle of the night, on the bathroom floor...while her husband peacefully sleeps in the other room. I am no stranger to finding myself at a crossroads in which there is no doubt that a change has to happen, easy or not. Secondly, there is something about a book in which the author can say things in just the right way that her words feel like they could have been plucked out of your brain, if only you had been able to say it all in the way that she does. Finally, I love the idea of making a radical change in your life in order to find yourself...if it involves traveling around the world, well then the idea has that much more appeal. Italy, India, Indonesia...what an amazing year.
What I find just as fascinating as the book itself, is other people's reaction to the book... Generally I find that those I talk to about the book have fairly strong feelings about it...they either really like the book, or they really do not like it. When someone brings the book up, I can't help but "quiz" them on how they feel about it and why...it has become my own little informal survey. And for the purposes of full disclosure...I have yet to meet a man who has read the book (or will admit to me he has). So... For the most part, I find that women tend to really like the book when they have been through personal struggles themselves...especially if those challenges were related to the relationship they have with themselves as well as others. To them, Gilbert is a champion of change. I also find that women who do not like the book tend to categorize Gilbert as self-centered and immature, with an idealistic view of what life/relationships should be.
While these are two very opposing points of view, what makes them the most interesting (to me) is that they both are provoked by strong reactions to the book. For those that enjoyed the book, I think we appreciate someone we can relate to, who also helps to validate for us that sometimes you have to be selfish to do the right thing (for everyone involved). I also think this type of thinking is part of the reason why some people do not like the book...it is hard to swallow the idea that it is okay to put yourself first sometimes, it is okay to leave a relationship that isn't obviously broken by abuse or infidelity, but that just is not right. I think that notion makes many people uncomfortable...and it is uncomfortable because it sounds like an indefensible position. Indefensible especially for those of us that have grown up with traditional values that define marriage in a very strict sense...for better or worse, until death do we part.
I think this book tends to spark debate...or at least all sorts of interesting chatter. What is marriage (or any committed relationship) suppose to be? How do you define what is acceptable or unacceptable? What does the "or worse" part of the vows really cover? Is it okay to be in an empty relationship that does not nurture your body, mind, or soul? Why is THAT type of relationship okay and one that is abusive is not okay? How are they any different? Or, are they both wrong (or okay, if you can live with the situation)? Is one just easier to hide and/or accept than the other? Maybe it is a function of what we as individuals decide for ourselves are the limits we can or can not live within... And maybe most important...how do the relationships in our lives reflect the value we place on ourselves?
How do we as individuals fit into the equation? This book is truly about self-discovery...and, I believe, how being our best selves makes us the kind of person that can be successful in a relationship with someone else. If we are broken as individuals, how can we sustain a relationship with anyone else? The homework for all of us... Have a fabulous relationship with yourself...learn all there is to know about YOU, including what makes you happy, what nurtures your soul, where your passion lies...and then give the gift of you to the right people in your life.
My preoccupation with Gilbert's story has a few sources... First, I feel like I can relate to someone who finds herself trying to silently cry in the middle of the night, on the bathroom floor...while her husband peacefully sleeps in the other room. I am no stranger to finding myself at a crossroads in which there is no doubt that a change has to happen, easy or not. Secondly, there is something about a book in which the author can say things in just the right way that her words feel like they could have been plucked out of your brain, if only you had been able to say it all in the way that she does. Finally, I love the idea of making a radical change in your life in order to find yourself...if it involves traveling around the world, well then the idea has that much more appeal. Italy, India, Indonesia...what an amazing year.
What I find just as fascinating as the book itself, is other people's reaction to the book... Generally I find that those I talk to about the book have fairly strong feelings about it...they either really like the book, or they really do not like it. When someone brings the book up, I can't help but "quiz" them on how they feel about it and why...it has become my own little informal survey. And for the purposes of full disclosure...I have yet to meet a man who has read the book (or will admit to me he has). So... For the most part, I find that women tend to really like the book when they have been through personal struggles themselves...especially if those challenges were related to the relationship they have with themselves as well as others. To them, Gilbert is a champion of change. I also find that women who do not like the book tend to categorize Gilbert as self-centered and immature, with an idealistic view of what life/relationships should be.
While these are two very opposing points of view, what makes them the most interesting (to me) is that they both are provoked by strong reactions to the book. For those that enjoyed the book, I think we appreciate someone we can relate to, who also helps to validate for us that sometimes you have to be selfish to do the right thing (for everyone involved). I also think this type of thinking is part of the reason why some people do not like the book...it is hard to swallow the idea that it is okay to put yourself first sometimes, it is okay to leave a relationship that isn't obviously broken by abuse or infidelity, but that just is not right. I think that notion makes many people uncomfortable...and it is uncomfortable because it sounds like an indefensible position. Indefensible especially for those of us that have grown up with traditional values that define marriage in a very strict sense...for better or worse, until death do we part.
I think this book tends to spark debate...or at least all sorts of interesting chatter. What is marriage (or any committed relationship) suppose to be? How do you define what is acceptable or unacceptable? What does the "or worse" part of the vows really cover? Is it okay to be in an empty relationship that does not nurture your body, mind, or soul? Why is THAT type of relationship okay and one that is abusive is not okay? How are they any different? Or, are they both wrong (or okay, if you can live with the situation)? Is one just easier to hide and/or accept than the other? Maybe it is a function of what we as individuals decide for ourselves are the limits we can or can not live within... And maybe most important...how do the relationships in our lives reflect the value we place on ourselves?
How do we as individuals fit into the equation? This book is truly about self-discovery...and, I believe, how being our best selves makes us the kind of person that can be successful in a relationship with someone else. If we are broken as individuals, how can we sustain a relationship with anyone else? The homework for all of us... Have a fabulous relationship with yourself...learn all there is to know about YOU, including what makes you happy, what nurtures your soul, where your passion lies...and then give the gift of you to the right people in your life.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Living a Charmed Life (Or Not)...
Almost ten years ago I received the coveted Tiffany charm bracelet as a gift... sterling silver, heavy links, with a sweet heart charm. It instantly became my favorite, and most who have known me for any length of time know that you rarely see me without the bracelet on. Over the years it has almost become my signature in a way... I wear it all the time.
Anyone who really pays attention may have noticed last year when the charm on my bracelet became a four-leaf clover... As much as I really liked the bracelet, I was struggling with the heart charm...especially since I had gotten divorced the year before from the man who originally gave it to me with love. The heart charm just didn't seem to fit anymore... At that time, my thought was...forget love, I could use a little bit of good luck. So, the heart was put into the safe deposit box for O, replaced with a clover as my "good luck" charm.
It is true that I am superstitious by nature... I like to blame it on my Irish blood that I feel the need to have certain things in my life to be sure I have good luck. The clover charm, my ladybug tattoo, a Chinese sketch of nine fish that mean good luck, etc...you get the idea. I am attracted to things that are meant to bring me good fortune and I think it is because I feel protected by these things in some way. The rational part of me knows this all sounds ridiculous...and believe me, I have told myself over and over that "things" can not bring me good luck, I have to make my own luck and bring good things into my life on my own. Yeah, sure, now if only the irrational part of me could believe all of that...
Thanks to some bad luck, my theories regarding this topic are being tested... Over the weekend I had a trip planned with a girlfriend and spent Friday morning running around to get O to school and myself out to my dad's house to drop off my car before heading out of town... You can probably imagine the sickness in my stomach when I arrived at my dad's house, looked down, and found that I had my bracelet on...but the clover charm was gone. I went through my entire car, dumped out my purse, shook out my coat, dug in my pockets...no charm. When I arrived back home on Sunday the search continued...the driveway, porch, throughout the house...nothing. Lost and found at school on Monday...nope, no charm.
I think it is pretty safe to say that it is gone... The loss makes me sad, but I am even more concerned about what kind of karma this is bringing me. What does it mean to lose your good luck charm? Are you even more screwed as far as luck goes when you lose the thing that was suppose to bring you the good luck? A friend said to me that maybe I needed to lose the charm in order to change my luck...this sounds good, but I am struggling to really believe her theory. I think she just wanted me to feel better about the loss, and I do appreciate the thought. Maybe with a little time I can convince myself that a charm does not guarantee anything... I really do have to make my own luck.
Anyone who really pays attention may have noticed last year when the charm on my bracelet became a four-leaf clover... As much as I really liked the bracelet, I was struggling with the heart charm...especially since I had gotten divorced the year before from the man who originally gave it to me with love. The heart charm just didn't seem to fit anymore... At that time, my thought was...forget love, I could use a little bit of good luck. So, the heart was put into the safe deposit box for O, replaced with a clover as my "good luck" charm.
It is true that I am superstitious by nature... I like to blame it on my Irish blood that I feel the need to have certain things in my life to be sure I have good luck. The clover charm, my ladybug tattoo, a Chinese sketch of nine fish that mean good luck, etc...you get the idea. I am attracted to things that are meant to bring me good fortune and I think it is because I feel protected by these things in some way. The rational part of me knows this all sounds ridiculous...and believe me, I have told myself over and over that "things" can not bring me good luck, I have to make my own luck and bring good things into my life on my own. Yeah, sure, now if only the irrational part of me could believe all of that...
Thanks to some bad luck, my theories regarding this topic are being tested... Over the weekend I had a trip planned with a girlfriend and spent Friday morning running around to get O to school and myself out to my dad's house to drop off my car before heading out of town... You can probably imagine the sickness in my stomach when I arrived at my dad's house, looked down, and found that I had my bracelet on...but the clover charm was gone. I went through my entire car, dumped out my purse, shook out my coat, dug in my pockets...no charm. When I arrived back home on Sunday the search continued...the driveway, porch, throughout the house...nothing. Lost and found at school on Monday...nope, no charm.
I think it is pretty safe to say that it is gone... The loss makes me sad, but I am even more concerned about what kind of karma this is bringing me. What does it mean to lose your good luck charm? Are you even more screwed as far as luck goes when you lose the thing that was suppose to bring you the good luck? A friend said to me that maybe I needed to lose the charm in order to change my luck...this sounds good, but I am struggling to really believe her theory. I think she just wanted me to feel better about the loss, and I do appreciate the thought. Maybe with a little time I can convince myself that a charm does not guarantee anything... I really do have to make my own luck.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
What If???
How many times have you questioned a decision, or lack of action, or wondered what might have happened if??? A conversation with an old friend has me contemplating this... I made a decision once not to tell someone how I felt about them because I was afraid that the feelings would not be returned, and that after confessing my feelings we would never be able to go back to the friendship that meant so much to me. So I stayed silent... better to have that person in my life than risk losing them completely.
Imagine my surprise when I found out many, many years later that the other person felt the same way about me...but also chose not to say anything. It was slightly surreal to face each other, after so many years, and after so many other things have changed for both of us...and talk about the whole situation. I almost felt like I was talking about something that involved people other than the two of us.
I have to say it was bittersweet to hear the truth... validation of those long-ago feelings combined with some sadness at knowing that things could have been different. Some of the sadness perhaps also comes from knowing that the clock cannot be turned back to that long ago time...there is no chance of a "re-do". Sometimes the risks we avoid taking become the chances that are forever lost.
But what if you could go back in time... What if you actually had the opportunity to do something over again? Would you really take that option? What if it changed everything else in your life? Could you accept the chance without the guarantee that the outcome would be what you wanted? What if...
As I have often said...a little luck and some good timing, they mean everything. While going back for a second chance sounds appealing, reality does not make that an option. So, like many things...looking back changes nothing. You have to own the choices that you have made, and accept that things happen for a reason. Everything is clearer in hindsight...that is what makes it great for analysis. The challenge is accepting a choice that in hindsight becomes the moment that might have changed everything...but never happened.
Imagine my surprise when I found out many, many years later that the other person felt the same way about me...but also chose not to say anything. It was slightly surreal to face each other, after so many years, and after so many other things have changed for both of us...and talk about the whole situation. I almost felt like I was talking about something that involved people other than the two of us.
I have to say it was bittersweet to hear the truth... validation of those long-ago feelings combined with some sadness at knowing that things could have been different. Some of the sadness perhaps also comes from knowing that the clock cannot be turned back to that long ago time...there is no chance of a "re-do". Sometimes the risks we avoid taking become the chances that are forever lost.
But what if you could go back in time... What if you actually had the opportunity to do something over again? Would you really take that option? What if it changed everything else in your life? Could you accept the chance without the guarantee that the outcome would be what you wanted? What if...
As I have often said...a little luck and some good timing, they mean everything. While going back for a second chance sounds appealing, reality does not make that an option. So, like many things...looking back changes nothing. You have to own the choices that you have made, and accept that things happen for a reason. Everything is clearer in hindsight...that is what makes it great for analysis. The challenge is accepting a choice that in hindsight becomes the moment that might have changed everything...but never happened.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Potty Problems...
Hands down, the most challenging aspect of being a mother to O has been related to potty training... The first go around was an all-consuming, eighteen month process that I seriously believed would never end. Finally, she had it... And then she transitioned to pre-school and went through a stage of wetting her pants rather than having her place at the choice table taken by another student. We worked through that one... O has now been in 4K for just over five weeks and yes, you guessed it, we are on a pants-wetting streak once again...
I am ready to pull all of my hair out... Why, why, WHY, are we here yet again??? At first I thought it was similar to pre-school in that she is so wrapped up in all of the new things going on and new friends that she just is not going to stop to go to the bathroom... And then she started wetting her pants at home, too... I feel like we are back at potty training... every two hours I am sending her to the bathroom to try and make sure she will not wet her pants. Then, today, time got away from me... all of a sudden she says to me "mama, you can be mad at me...I wet my pants".
So now I am wondering... Is she TRYING to make me mad? Is it so obvious that I am frustrated that she is now using that as a method to take control? Granted, I have not been subtle about telling her how disappointed I am...I even went so far as telling her that if she keeps it up, her friends in Kindergarten and grade school will make fun of her because only babies wet their pants. I am not proud of that one... that actually made her cry and she told me I was hurting her feelings. Well, clearly, her feelings have since healed just fine, because she is still wetting her pants...
I am completely out of ideas and methods of bribery that will work to resolve this problem... I have been paying her...every day that she comes home with dry pants, I give her money for her piggy bank. So Friday, she tells me "I don't want any money, mama"...so apparently now it is okay to wet her pants. My latest punishment is that she can not have any treats until she manages to go an entire day without wetting her pants... I have no idea if this will matter either. Anybody have an idea? As frustrated as I am with her, and as convinced as I am that she is most likely just trying to flex her muscles and be "in charge", there is also a small part of me wondering if there is actually something wrong with her that requires a doctors attention? Am I overreacting? If I don't figure out how to resolve this soon it is pretty likely that I am the one who is going to need some doctor's attention...
I am ready to pull all of my hair out... Why, why, WHY, are we here yet again??? At first I thought it was similar to pre-school in that she is so wrapped up in all of the new things going on and new friends that she just is not going to stop to go to the bathroom... And then she started wetting her pants at home, too... I feel like we are back at potty training... every two hours I am sending her to the bathroom to try and make sure she will not wet her pants. Then, today, time got away from me... all of a sudden she says to me "mama, you can be mad at me...I wet my pants".
So now I am wondering... Is she TRYING to make me mad? Is it so obvious that I am frustrated that she is now using that as a method to take control? Granted, I have not been subtle about telling her how disappointed I am...I even went so far as telling her that if she keeps it up, her friends in Kindergarten and grade school will make fun of her because only babies wet their pants. I am not proud of that one... that actually made her cry and she told me I was hurting her feelings. Well, clearly, her feelings have since healed just fine, because she is still wetting her pants...
I am completely out of ideas and methods of bribery that will work to resolve this problem... I have been paying her...every day that she comes home with dry pants, I give her money for her piggy bank. So Friday, she tells me "I don't want any money, mama"...so apparently now it is okay to wet her pants. My latest punishment is that she can not have any treats until she manages to go an entire day without wetting her pants... I have no idea if this will matter either. Anybody have an idea? As frustrated as I am with her, and as convinced as I am that she is most likely just trying to flex her muscles and be "in charge", there is also a small part of me wondering if there is actually something wrong with her that requires a doctors attention? Am I overreacting? If I don't figure out how to resolve this soon it is pretty likely that I am the one who is going to need some doctor's attention...
Friday, October 1, 2010
Chemistry...
I sucked at high school Chemistry... The most entertaining thing about the class was the eccentric man that taught us...and occasionally blew something up. I just could not visualize how all of those numbers and letters could be "something"... If I couldn't touch or see it, I could not seem to imagine it either.
In relationships, chemistry has often fooled me, too... That thing, that unexpected thing, that pulls people together (or doesn't). So impossible to really explain, and even harder still to believe in. I have found that those who seem so appealing become less and less so as they disappoint you and become someone you do not recognize. I have also been in situations where someone unexpectedly became so much more to me over time, after I came to really know them...what seemed ordinary became special.
So, does chemistry mean anything? Is it just one of those things that can sometimes bring people together, but in the scheme of things really means nothing? A true connection is so much more meaningful than chemistry, but can you have a real connection without it? If there is no instant chemistry with someone, can it happen over time? Are you just forcing something to exist that really doesn't? Or maybe talking yourself into it? Even if you have instant chemistry with someone...can you trust it?
To a certain extent it is the "thing" that fairy tales are based on... the prince and princess meet, fall instantly in love, and live happily ever after. Really? Does that sound realistic or practical? Can you ever fall in love that way? It just sounds so ridiculous and impossible...and yet, we all want to believe that the possibility exists. Maybe it is easier to believe in the possibility than to accept the alternative... The fact is that maybe we don't all get to have the fairy tale...maybe few people really and truly share that kind of instant connection that leads to forever. Despite the reality, most of us choose to hope for romance and happy endings. We continue to chase after that elusive connection... I think it is because we figure that someone has to find the happy ending...
In relationships, chemistry has often fooled me, too... That thing, that unexpected thing, that pulls people together (or doesn't). So impossible to really explain, and even harder still to believe in. I have found that those who seem so appealing become less and less so as they disappoint you and become someone you do not recognize. I have also been in situations where someone unexpectedly became so much more to me over time, after I came to really know them...what seemed ordinary became special.
So, does chemistry mean anything? Is it just one of those things that can sometimes bring people together, but in the scheme of things really means nothing? A true connection is so much more meaningful than chemistry, but can you have a real connection without it? If there is no instant chemistry with someone, can it happen over time? Are you just forcing something to exist that really doesn't? Or maybe talking yourself into it? Even if you have instant chemistry with someone...can you trust it?
To a certain extent it is the "thing" that fairy tales are based on... the prince and princess meet, fall instantly in love, and live happily ever after. Really? Does that sound realistic or practical? Can you ever fall in love that way? It just sounds so ridiculous and impossible...and yet, we all want to believe that the possibility exists. Maybe it is easier to believe in the possibility than to accept the alternative... The fact is that maybe we don't all get to have the fairy tale...maybe few people really and truly share that kind of instant connection that leads to forever. Despite the reality, most of us choose to hope for romance and happy endings. We continue to chase after that elusive connection... I think it is because we figure that someone has to find the happy ending...
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Eye of the Storm
While Bermuda is gearing up to withstand the brunt of impact from hurricane Igor, here closer to home a good friend is in the midst of making some major life changes. I talk to her on the phone and hear the certainty in her voice about what she is doing, but I also hear the anxiety that comes along with making a decision that, in the short run, is difficult for those around her. She is asking questions that I know I have asked myself... Am I doing the right things for my kids, right now? Am I making good decisions so that I have the financial security I need to take care of myself and my family? Will my kids understand all of this someday? Will anything ever feel "normal" again?
Today, looking at O (and knowing what my friend is going through) I could not help but be thankful for this day...thankful that we have moved past all of the uncertainty, found the right path, moved on. I felt relief for myself...relief that so many things have been put behind us. Each day is not ideal, however I feel a strength that I did not feel for many years, and each day feels like it belongs to me...there are not the same uncertainties that used to lurk around every corner.
I also feel so much sadness for my friend... I wish I could somehow show her the future that is there for her... I wish she could really see that one year from now, two years from now, TEN years from now...her life will be different and she won't feel the same way that she feels today. I can't promise her that her life will be better, but I know that it will be different, and I know that she will feel even more confident about taking control of her life. It think it is true that in the eye of the storm we find our strength and our true path...we just have to be brave enough to face our fears and move forward.
Today, looking at O (and knowing what my friend is going through) I could not help but be thankful for this day...thankful that we have moved past all of the uncertainty, found the right path, moved on. I felt relief for myself...relief that so many things have been put behind us. Each day is not ideal, however I feel a strength that I did not feel for many years, and each day feels like it belongs to me...there are not the same uncertainties that used to lurk around every corner.
I also feel so much sadness for my friend... I wish I could somehow show her the future that is there for her... I wish she could really see that one year from now, two years from now, TEN years from now...her life will be different and she won't feel the same way that she feels today. I can't promise her that her life will be better, but I know that it will be different, and I know that she will feel even more confident about taking control of her life. It think it is true that in the eye of the storm we find our strength and our true path...we just have to be brave enough to face our fears and move forward.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Random Acts of Kindness...
Generally speaking I really like the idea of random acts of kindness... that to make the world a better place, you just do something nice for another person. You do that nice thing not because you want "credit" for doing a nice thing, but because you see an opportunity to make someone's day better, and it also happens to make you feel better for recognizing that chance and seizing the opportunity...
So, this week... A work colleague was struggling through some things and seemed to need a pick up. I decided to send that person lunch because lunch is the one thing he seems to always miss... It was delivered in an effort to make the act be anonymous because, quite honestly, I just wanted that person to know that someone was thinking of them, but I didn't necessarily want to be recognized as the person doing it. I just wanted to make a gesture and leave it at that...
Fast forward to lunch delivery... Lunch is delivered, person does not know who sent the delivery so he inquires among the other staff... Rest of the department turns a sandwich delivery into all afternoon speculation and drama. Seriously... Seriously? If I had sent the guy a lap dance, maybe we would have something to talk about...it was a SANDWICH people. Another friend filled me in on some of the gossip...
I have to say, the whole "incident" just really annoys me... This week has been an extraordinarily difficult one at work... it has been announced that branches will close and employees will lose their jobs; it has been splashed on the front cover of our local newspaper. Don't we have more important things to worry about than who had lunch delivered to someone? We have associates who depend on the bank to take care of their families... they no longer have the security that they used to because of a poor economy that none of us can control. It is a helpless feeling to know you can't "fix" that situation. So, in the scheme of the events that are going on all around us, does it make any sense to spend an afternoon making a huge deal speculating about who decided to show a work friend a small (very small) kindness?
My final thoughts on this... and I promise I will stop thinking about it afterwards... In a time when there is so much uncertainty all around us, in a time when people are so focused on themselves that they take each other for granted and rarely go out of their way for others, that is a time when we need to stop, look around, and ask ourselves what we can do to make things feel better... So I sent a sandwich this week in an effort to cheer another person up...didn't seem like a big deal to me, but apparently it was. The bottom line for me, though? If I could do it all over again, I would not change a thing... This world needs random acts of kindness; our friends need to know that we care about them; we all need to stop for a minute and consider someone other than ourselves.
So, this week... A work colleague was struggling through some things and seemed to need a pick up. I decided to send that person lunch because lunch is the one thing he seems to always miss... It was delivered in an effort to make the act be anonymous because, quite honestly, I just wanted that person to know that someone was thinking of them, but I didn't necessarily want to be recognized as the person doing it. I just wanted to make a gesture and leave it at that...
Fast forward to lunch delivery... Lunch is delivered, person does not know who sent the delivery so he inquires among the other staff... Rest of the department turns a sandwich delivery into all afternoon speculation and drama. Seriously... Seriously? If I had sent the guy a lap dance, maybe we would have something to talk about...it was a SANDWICH people. Another friend filled me in on some of the gossip...
I have to say, the whole "incident" just really annoys me... This week has been an extraordinarily difficult one at work... it has been announced that branches will close and employees will lose their jobs; it has been splashed on the front cover of our local newspaper. Don't we have more important things to worry about than who had lunch delivered to someone? We have associates who depend on the bank to take care of their families... they no longer have the security that they used to because of a poor economy that none of us can control. It is a helpless feeling to know you can't "fix" that situation. So, in the scheme of the events that are going on all around us, does it make any sense to spend an afternoon making a huge deal speculating about who decided to show a work friend a small (very small) kindness?
My final thoughts on this... and I promise I will stop thinking about it afterwards... In a time when there is so much uncertainty all around us, in a time when people are so focused on themselves that they take each other for granted and rarely go out of their way for others, that is a time when we need to stop, look around, and ask ourselves what we can do to make things feel better... So I sent a sandwich this week in an effort to cheer another person up...didn't seem like a big deal to me, but apparently it was. The bottom line for me, though? If I could do it all over again, I would not change a thing... This world needs random acts of kindness; our friends need to know that we care about them; we all need to stop for a minute and consider someone other than ourselves.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
A New Chapter...
A number of years ago, pregnant and awaiting O's arrival, I made a big decision... Having spent months contemplating how I could best juggle motherhood and family, while still being successful at work, I determined that I needed to find a way to "make more time". Granted, that was not going to literally work, BUT...if I could put my energy into working four longer days, then I could always have a three-day weekend with my family. It was the only proposal I could come up with that made the knot in my stomach go away...
I remember feeling so apprehensive about talking to my manager about my idea... I kept thinking that asking for a schedule that would last until my daughter was in kindergarten just seemed to be asking to play "hookey" forever! I felt guilty...was it fair to the other people I worked with? I was nervous...would I be able to keep up at work? Could I really come through on my promise to make sure my schedule did not impact anyone who depended on me? So much worry...
Fortunately for me, I work for a company that can be flexible enough to accept this type of an arrangement... When O was born, I went back to work...working four 10-hour days each week, and taking Monday as my "at home" day to play with O. I was never out of reach...the crew back at the office could always reach me by cell or through email, and I would usually check in during O's nap time to make sure that all was well... It did not take long to settle into the new schedule, and my co-workers were soon conditioned to schedule meetings with me on any day but Monday.
So, here I am, almost five-years later on the eve of my first real Monday BACK to work. And I wonder... Where did the time go? What once seemed like a huge request for time has somehow officially run out... That baby girl that would surely be little forever is going to her first day of 4k tomorrow...my ticket to Mondays at home has expired. While her newest adventure starts at school, mine will just be an adjustment in schedule... So why does it seem like such a big occasion for me, too???
The whole situation has me a bit contemplative... Did I make the best use of all of those Mondays off? Did I live up to my goal of using those days to spend quality time with O? Does she know that while Mama cares about her job, she will always put her family first? I know there are some Mondays in there that could have been better spent...a few lazy ones, some TOO productive without enough fun, and some where us two girls were on each other's nerves. But, maybe those things are a part of spending quality time together, too? Family time isn't always fun and games...sometimes it is about working together, resting together, even irritating each other...because that is important to find a way to work out also.
In the final analysis...I can't go back and call a "redo" on any of those Mondays, so there is no sense in looking for those that fell short of ideal. What I know for certain is that it was the right decision to make at the time, and I am thankful for all of those days that O and I spent together. This new schedule will be another change for us, but the time has come... I think that we are both ready, although O may be more ready than I am...when told she would be at school five-days she only asked if her teachers and friends had to go, too...when I said "yes", her response was "okay". Needless to say, I am not expecting tears...well, at least not from O. And so, a new chapter starts now...
I remember feeling so apprehensive about talking to my manager about my idea... I kept thinking that asking for a schedule that would last until my daughter was in kindergarten just seemed to be asking to play "hookey" forever! I felt guilty...was it fair to the other people I worked with? I was nervous...would I be able to keep up at work? Could I really come through on my promise to make sure my schedule did not impact anyone who depended on me? So much worry...
Fortunately for me, I work for a company that can be flexible enough to accept this type of an arrangement... When O was born, I went back to work...working four 10-hour days each week, and taking Monday as my "at home" day to play with O. I was never out of reach...the crew back at the office could always reach me by cell or through email, and I would usually check in during O's nap time to make sure that all was well... It did not take long to settle into the new schedule, and my co-workers were soon conditioned to schedule meetings with me on any day but Monday.
So, here I am, almost five-years later on the eve of my first real Monday BACK to work. And I wonder... Where did the time go? What once seemed like a huge request for time has somehow officially run out... That baby girl that would surely be little forever is going to her first day of 4k tomorrow...my ticket to Mondays at home has expired. While her newest adventure starts at school, mine will just be an adjustment in schedule... So why does it seem like such a big occasion for me, too???
The whole situation has me a bit contemplative... Did I make the best use of all of those Mondays off? Did I live up to my goal of using those days to spend quality time with O? Does she know that while Mama cares about her job, she will always put her family first? I know there are some Mondays in there that could have been better spent...a few lazy ones, some TOO productive without enough fun, and some where us two girls were on each other's nerves. But, maybe those things are a part of spending quality time together, too? Family time isn't always fun and games...sometimes it is about working together, resting together, even irritating each other...because that is important to find a way to work out also.
In the final analysis...I can't go back and call a "redo" on any of those Mondays, so there is no sense in looking for those that fell short of ideal. What I know for certain is that it was the right decision to make at the time, and I am thankful for all of those days that O and I spent together. This new schedule will be another change for us, but the time has come... I think that we are both ready, although O may be more ready than I am...when told she would be at school five-days she only asked if her teachers and friends had to go, too...when I said "yes", her response was "okay". Needless to say, I am not expecting tears...well, at least not from O. And so, a new chapter starts now...
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Disappointment...
"...I am comfortable with disappointment..." Kate, Last Chance Harvey
I heard this line when I saw the movie and it summed up so many things for me... I don't want to be the kind of person that expects the worst, but I have been disappointed so many times that I am not surprised when someone does exactly what I fear most... that just seems to be expected. I am to the point where I am not sure what is worse, having someone do exactly the thing I expect them to do and disappoint me, or actually be better than I anticipated? I have no idea what to do when someone comes through and seems to be all the things I wanted them to be...
Have I just become so used to disappointment that I don't have the ability to give someone a fair chance? What happens when faced with a person who lives up to all your expectations? How do you give them the benefit of the oh-so-protective doubt? Disappointment sits so comfortably on my shoulders...it is a constant companion. So how is the cycle stopped? Can you convince yourself to go into a situation truly with an open mind? The fact is that for the most part I expect to be disappointed, and then when I am, I am just not surprised... So, does this mean it is a self-fulfilling prophecy? Do I choose the wrong people to put my faith in because having them disappoint me is so much easier to take based on prior experience? Am I just really not taking a risk on anyone by doing this? What would happen if I did take a chance? Would it hurt even more if (when?) they let me down?
I heard this line when I saw the movie and it summed up so many things for me... I don't want to be the kind of person that expects the worst, but I have been disappointed so many times that I am not surprised when someone does exactly what I fear most... that just seems to be expected. I am to the point where I am not sure what is worse, having someone do exactly the thing I expect them to do and disappoint me, or actually be better than I anticipated? I have no idea what to do when someone comes through and seems to be all the things I wanted them to be...
Have I just become so used to disappointment that I don't have the ability to give someone a fair chance? What happens when faced with a person who lives up to all your expectations? How do you give them the benefit of the oh-so-protective doubt? Disappointment sits so comfortably on my shoulders...it is a constant companion. So how is the cycle stopped? Can you convince yourself to go into a situation truly with an open mind? The fact is that for the most part I expect to be disappointed, and then when I am, I am just not surprised... So, does this mean it is a self-fulfilling prophecy? Do I choose the wrong people to put my faith in because having them disappoint me is so much easier to take based on prior experience? Am I just really not taking a risk on anyone by doing this? What would happen if I did take a chance? Would it hurt even more if (when?) they let me down?
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Alone or Lonely?
Why are most people so afraid of being alone? Why does being alone seem to instantly be equated with loneliness? A friend and I had dinner this week and were talking about a woman who had ended a bad relationship, but after just a few months of being on her own went back to the guy because she didn't like being alone. Is it really that much better to be with the wrong someone rather than spending some time alone?
Maybe it is just me who does not get it... I don't happen to believe that being alone means that you have to be lonely. I have plenty of experience with both being alone and being lonely, and I can tell you that the times in my life that I have been the loneliest were not when I was alone. I don't think that there is anything more lonely than having another person in your life who you are so disconnected from that while you may be "together" you feel more alone with them than at any other time... Somehow that feeling of not being able to reach someone you thought you knew is so much more devastating, and yes, it is lonely...
I think sometimes that our fear of being alone is more about uncertainty that we might really get to know ourselves better... that we will have time to face the things in our life that we don't really want to examine all that closely. Are we afraid that we won't like what we see? Do we just fill our lives with other people and things to do in order to make sure we never have to face our true selves? Are we just manufacturing distractions?
Or... Maybe it is everyone else's opinion that we are worried about? Are we really just afraid of how everyone else will define us if we are alone? I have several people in my life that won't go anywhere if they have to go on their own... they miss parties, and dinner with friends, and movies that they really want to see. How is giving up the people and things that you enjoy better than doing them on your own? Why are most of us so uncomfortable to face a crowd on our own? Ever consider how many of the people in that crowd might be envious? How many are jealous of the person who came alone? Being in the middle of a group with someone else does not guarantee that your soul is not lonely...
Okay, so being alone is not always what it is cracked up to be either... and yes, sometimes it IS lonely. But at the end of the day, I will take some loneliness in exchange for living a genuine life. And to that end... I have spent months debating going to my twenty-year class reunion... Do I really want to face people I haven't seen in that long all on my own? My fear is more about how they will judge my life than about not wanting to go by myself... So, time to take my own advice...own my own truth and not let fear stop me from getting to see old friends. I know I can do this alone...
Maybe it is just me who does not get it... I don't happen to believe that being alone means that you have to be lonely. I have plenty of experience with both being alone and being lonely, and I can tell you that the times in my life that I have been the loneliest were not when I was alone. I don't think that there is anything more lonely than having another person in your life who you are so disconnected from that while you may be "together" you feel more alone with them than at any other time... Somehow that feeling of not being able to reach someone you thought you knew is so much more devastating, and yes, it is lonely...
I think sometimes that our fear of being alone is more about uncertainty that we might really get to know ourselves better... that we will have time to face the things in our life that we don't really want to examine all that closely. Are we afraid that we won't like what we see? Do we just fill our lives with other people and things to do in order to make sure we never have to face our true selves? Are we just manufacturing distractions?
Or... Maybe it is everyone else's opinion that we are worried about? Are we really just afraid of how everyone else will define us if we are alone? I have several people in my life that won't go anywhere if they have to go on their own... they miss parties, and dinner with friends, and movies that they really want to see. How is giving up the people and things that you enjoy better than doing them on your own? Why are most of us so uncomfortable to face a crowd on our own? Ever consider how many of the people in that crowd might be envious? How many are jealous of the person who came alone? Being in the middle of a group with someone else does not guarantee that your soul is not lonely...
Okay, so being alone is not always what it is cracked up to be either... and yes, sometimes it IS lonely. But at the end of the day, I will take some loneliness in exchange for living a genuine life. And to that end... I have spent months debating going to my twenty-year class reunion... Do I really want to face people I haven't seen in that long all on my own? My fear is more about how they will judge my life than about not wanting to go by myself... So, time to take my own advice...own my own truth and not let fear stop me from getting to see old friends. I know I can do this alone...
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Listening Ears...
On a very regular basis O and I talk about her "listening ears"... For the most part, this discussion centers around me telling her that they seem to be broken, or at least that is my assumption for why she does not seem to listen to me. This conversation has a tendency to start about the time that I am repeating myself for the fifth time... Fortunately for me, she does not yet understand when I am being sarcastic... But I am noticing that while she may not catch the sarcasm, she is picking up plenty of other things...
On the way home from school one evening last week, we had the following conversation:
O: "Mom, I going to change my name..."
M: "Change your name? What are you changing your name to?"
O: "I changing it to Glare"
M: "Glare??? Do you mean Claire?"
O: "No, mama, GLARE"
M: "Why do you want to change your name? Olivia is such a pretty name..."
O: "Mama... that name is just killin' me!"
Killing her? When I could stop laughing, I realized that she has most likely heard me use that expression several times... And that is not the only one that she has picked up... I have heard her repeat several things that I know she learned from those of us that she spends the most time with. Sayings such as... "are you kidding me?", as well as a few choice words that I wish she had not heard... She recently exclaimed "what da heck?!" and I felt like I could have been having a conversation with her dad (thankfully he has edited the hell to heck).
So, the lesson is this... Toddlers clearly possess selective hearing... For my married mom friends, you should be accustomed to dealing with this as husbands tend to have the same condition. So, while toddlers do not hear the things that you want them to...or at least not the first time that you say it...they do hear it when you yell it for the fifth time. But, they also happen to hear the things you don't want them to hear the very first time that you say them... Beware of those listening ears...
On the way home from school one evening last week, we had the following conversation:
O: "Mom, I going to change my name..."
M: "Change your name? What are you changing your name to?"
O: "I changing it to Glare"
M: "Glare??? Do you mean Claire?"
O: "No, mama, GLARE"
M: "Why do you want to change your name? Olivia is such a pretty name..."
O: "Mama... that name is just killin' me!"
Killing her? When I could stop laughing, I realized that she has most likely heard me use that expression several times... And that is not the only one that she has picked up... I have heard her repeat several things that I know she learned from those of us that she spends the most time with. Sayings such as... "are you kidding me?", as well as a few choice words that I wish she had not heard... She recently exclaimed "what da heck?!" and I felt like I could have been having a conversation with her dad (thankfully he has edited the hell to heck).
So, the lesson is this... Toddlers clearly possess selective hearing... For my married mom friends, you should be accustomed to dealing with this as husbands tend to have the same condition. So, while toddlers do not hear the things that you want them to...or at least not the first time that you say it...they do hear it when you yell it for the fifth time. But, they also happen to hear the things you don't want them to hear the very first time that you say them... Beware of those listening ears...
Monday, July 26, 2010
Spoiled...
I have been thinking a lot lately about the best ways to teach O the lessons of life that I think she needs to learn... Specifically... that you can not just expect everything to be handed to you, that the things in life with the most value are those that you work hard to earn for yourself.
I started thinking about this last week...when O was pitching a fit on the way home from school because I would not take her to the store to get new crayons. When I said "no, you have all the crayons you need at home" she immediately began to cry and was sobbing the remainder of the ride home about how she needed the "pointy ones...we don't have pointy ones at home!!!" There were literally alligator tears sliding down her cheeks... you would think that the child never gets anything and does not have one crayon to write with. Reality? We have enough art supplies to start our own chain of stores...
I was reminded again about spoiling O when this last Sunday she came home from her Dad's house and she was so excited to let me know that on Tuesday he is taking her to the store after school to buy a Pillow Pet! Great... can anyone tell me what a Pillow Pet is (I have no idea)??? Regardless, she has told several people we have run into about how excited she is because she is getting one... This included some good friends of ours that she and I were visiting. After telling E's Mom about the new toy, O was asked "wow, what did you do to earn it?". Huh...now there is a great question. O was completely bewildered and had no response. Her lack of response just proved the point to me again...she has no idea that everything you ask for does not just magically show up on command.
Yes, I want my daughter to have things that I may not have had when I grew up... we all want our kids to have more than we did, right?! Right?!? Should we? I grew up in a house where you did not get a new toy unless it was your birthday or Christmas. Those gifts were special because they only came along twice in a year... If you wanted anything else, you had to save your money...from snow-shoveling or delivering newspapers, etc. and then you could use your own money to buy something you wanted. I never expected my parents to just get me something new because I saw it on tv or suddenly thought I needed it.
Part of the problem, I know, is that in a single-child family with two professional parents it is just easier to get more "stuff"... And I also know that I am partially to blame here. There have been plenty of times when I am out running errands and see something that I think might be fun for O that I just pick it up and bring it home. I don't agonize over whether or not she should have something new... if I see something and can afford to get it, I just do. Granted, we are typically talking about a movie or book or yes, some art project...I am not talking about major toy purchases.
I have to say, though, that I have become more and more aware and less inclined to just buy things since the divorce. For some reason, it seems that a new toy comes back to my house almost every weekend that O is NOT with me. The more often this has happened, the more annoyed I have gotten. Yes, some of the reason is that I don't think we need any more things around this house, and some of it has to do with Mr. Fun being the one who provides the "stuff". But, as O has started to take for granted that she SHOULD get things all the time...I have become more and more concerned. What are we teaching her?
So, I am struggling... How do you effectively teach a child that they can't have everything? How do you teach them that it is so much more satisfying to earn that something new, than to just have someone give it to you for no good reason? What happens when one parent will give in and always buy things and one parent won't? Will O figure out the difference between his way and my way? Will it just turn into a situation where I say "no" and she automatically starts to go to him because he will say "yes"?
Of all the things that I worry about... the idea that my daughter will grow up to be a self-centered brat literally keeps me awake some nights. It also frustrates me because I know that she does not have to turn out that way... I feel like I am always going to have to be the bad guy (girl) in order to prevent that, and for the most part I don't mind. But I wonder... will that even be enough? Can I do enough by myself to prevent it?
I started thinking about this last week...when O was pitching a fit on the way home from school because I would not take her to the store to get new crayons. When I said "no, you have all the crayons you need at home" she immediately began to cry and was sobbing the remainder of the ride home about how she needed the "pointy ones...we don't have pointy ones at home!!!" There were literally alligator tears sliding down her cheeks... you would think that the child never gets anything and does not have one crayon to write with. Reality? We have enough art supplies to start our own chain of stores...
I was reminded again about spoiling O when this last Sunday she came home from her Dad's house and she was so excited to let me know that on Tuesday he is taking her to the store after school to buy a Pillow Pet! Great... can anyone tell me what a Pillow Pet is (I have no idea)??? Regardless, she has told several people we have run into about how excited she is because she is getting one... This included some good friends of ours that she and I were visiting. After telling E's Mom about the new toy, O was asked "wow, what did you do to earn it?". Huh...now there is a great question. O was completely bewildered and had no response. Her lack of response just proved the point to me again...she has no idea that everything you ask for does not just magically show up on command.
Yes, I want my daughter to have things that I may not have had when I grew up... we all want our kids to have more than we did, right?! Right?!? Should we? I grew up in a house where you did not get a new toy unless it was your birthday or Christmas. Those gifts were special because they only came along twice in a year... If you wanted anything else, you had to save your money...from snow-shoveling or delivering newspapers, etc. and then you could use your own money to buy something you wanted. I never expected my parents to just get me something new because I saw it on tv or suddenly thought I needed it.
Part of the problem, I know, is that in a single-child family with two professional parents it is just easier to get more "stuff"... And I also know that I am partially to blame here. There have been plenty of times when I am out running errands and see something that I think might be fun for O that I just pick it up and bring it home. I don't agonize over whether or not she should have something new... if I see something and can afford to get it, I just do. Granted, we are typically talking about a movie or book or yes, some art project...I am not talking about major toy purchases.
I have to say, though, that I have become more and more aware and less inclined to just buy things since the divorce. For some reason, it seems that a new toy comes back to my house almost every weekend that O is NOT with me. The more often this has happened, the more annoyed I have gotten. Yes, some of the reason is that I don't think we need any more things around this house, and some of it has to do with Mr. Fun being the one who provides the "stuff". But, as O has started to take for granted that she SHOULD get things all the time...I have become more and more concerned. What are we teaching her?
So, I am struggling... How do you effectively teach a child that they can't have everything? How do you teach them that it is so much more satisfying to earn that something new, than to just have someone give it to you for no good reason? What happens when one parent will give in and always buy things and one parent won't? Will O figure out the difference between his way and my way? Will it just turn into a situation where I say "no" and she automatically starts to go to him because he will say "yes"?
Of all the things that I worry about... the idea that my daughter will grow up to be a self-centered brat literally keeps me awake some nights. It also frustrates me because I know that she does not have to turn out that way... I feel like I am always going to have to be the bad guy (girl) in order to prevent that, and for the most part I don't mind. But I wonder... will that even be enough? Can I do enough by myself to prevent it?
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Frog Tales...
So it has been almost six-months since I started my dating experiment... And, it has been a while since I over-analyzed this topic, so I thought it was about time I spent some time obsessing. Considering the highly unsuccessful last two weeks of dating I have had, this certainly seems like the right time.
When last I wrote on this subject, I had just gone out with a radiologist and determined that we were not particularly compatible. Since that time, I have gone out with an accountant, a test engineer, and a pediatrician. The accountant was very sweet, but quite honestly we would probably bore each other to death...we could talk spreadsheets and financial statements for hours. The test engineer showed some promise...cute, so very funny, young son...we even made it to a second date. However, when infidelity (and I quote, "no man can ever be faithful to one woman") and porn were his two favorite topics at dinner, I decided that perhaps he didn't quite have the qualities that I was looking for. Next? Another doctor... The pediatrician is by far the kookiest one yet... First told me that he didn't remember my name, then told me he didn't drink...when I told him I did drink and immediately ordered a glass of wine (should have been a bottle), he reached over and picked up my glass and said "could I take a sip of this?". Really? This all happened in the first 10-minutes... Other than telling me about how "easy" it is to be a doctor, he had a lot to say about how annoying his ex-wife is, how he has money problems, and how much he just really enjoys karaoke. Yeah...when he asked if I wanted to go out again, my answer was a very firm "no, thank you".
All of these dates have me asking myself the same thing at the end of the evening... Where are the "normal" ones??? My matchmaker and I seem to have a communication breakdown somewhere...or these guys interview well and save the "good stuff" for the dates they get set up on. I have resorted to trying to point her in the right direction by using the good parts of each of them as examples... looks like #1 or #5, personality like #2, etc., etc., etc. Despite all the talk between the matchmaker and I, the dates seem to be getting progressively worse...seriously making me question the wisdom of this entire idea.
Time to try and find some perspective... The point of the whole thing is to get me out of the house, give me a chance to meet some new people (who I probably would not otherwise meet), and have some fun. On the plus side? I HAVE gotten out of the house, met new people and had some fun (I would not characterize it as a lot of fun, but some fun qualifies). So, I guess I should feel like I accomplished what I set out to do? As a bonus, I also have great dating stories...my girlfriends get most of the benefit of that one. On the minus side? I am questioning the wisdom of having signed up for this whole thing and wondering where anyone single manages to find a "good" one.
How do people date for years and years and not get frustrated and disappointed? Is this all just pointing out to me that you can't make things happen? That you have to just let fate chart the course? When you are meant to meet the person who is right, will it just happen on its own? Or, is this as good as it gets? Are these the real options that I have to choose from? I am becoming skeptical that there is a man, in my age range, who is unattached and worth spending time with...but I do still wonder if he might be out there looking for me, too...and maybe he is wondering where he can find someone normal also. That whole idea is what keeps me moving ahead. So, the journey continues...
When last I wrote on this subject, I had just gone out with a radiologist and determined that we were not particularly compatible. Since that time, I have gone out with an accountant, a test engineer, and a pediatrician. The accountant was very sweet, but quite honestly we would probably bore each other to death...we could talk spreadsheets and financial statements for hours. The test engineer showed some promise...cute, so very funny, young son...we even made it to a second date. However, when infidelity (and I quote, "no man can ever be faithful to one woman") and porn were his two favorite topics at dinner, I decided that perhaps he didn't quite have the qualities that I was looking for. Next? Another doctor... The pediatrician is by far the kookiest one yet... First told me that he didn't remember my name, then told me he didn't drink...when I told him I did drink and immediately ordered a glass of wine (should have been a bottle), he reached over and picked up my glass and said "could I take a sip of this?". Really? This all happened in the first 10-minutes... Other than telling me about how "easy" it is to be a doctor, he had a lot to say about how annoying his ex-wife is, how he has money problems, and how much he just really enjoys karaoke. Yeah...when he asked if I wanted to go out again, my answer was a very firm "no, thank you".
All of these dates have me asking myself the same thing at the end of the evening... Where are the "normal" ones??? My matchmaker and I seem to have a communication breakdown somewhere...or these guys interview well and save the "good stuff" for the dates they get set up on. I have resorted to trying to point her in the right direction by using the good parts of each of them as examples... looks like #1 or #5, personality like #2, etc., etc., etc. Despite all the talk between the matchmaker and I, the dates seem to be getting progressively worse...seriously making me question the wisdom of this entire idea.
Time to try and find some perspective... The point of the whole thing is to get me out of the house, give me a chance to meet some new people (who I probably would not otherwise meet), and have some fun. On the plus side? I HAVE gotten out of the house, met new people and had some fun (I would not characterize it as a lot of fun, but some fun qualifies). So, I guess I should feel like I accomplished what I set out to do? As a bonus, I also have great dating stories...my girlfriends get most of the benefit of that one. On the minus side? I am questioning the wisdom of having signed up for this whole thing and wondering where anyone single manages to find a "good" one.
How do people date for years and years and not get frustrated and disappointed? Is this all just pointing out to me that you can't make things happen? That you have to just let fate chart the course? When you are meant to meet the person who is right, will it just happen on its own? Or, is this as good as it gets? Are these the real options that I have to choose from? I am becoming skeptical that there is a man, in my age range, who is unattached and worth spending time with...but I do still wonder if he might be out there looking for me, too...and maybe he is wondering where he can find someone normal also. That whole idea is what keeps me moving ahead. So, the journey continues...
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Facing the Storm...
Summer storms are interesting things... you can have a perfectly sunny, beautiful, warm summer day one minute and the next thing you know the clouds roll in, the sky is an odd shade of green and the tornado siren is going off, warning you to get to shelter. It has been an odd week of weather around here... I haven't deliberately spent this much time in my basement in quite some time. Good news is that we have weathered the storms just fine.
The crazy weather has me thinking about how we weather the storms in our personal lives... No one is immune to "bad weather". We all have things we have to deal with at one time or another that are less than pleasant. As for me, my entire week has pretty much mimicked the weather. The details are not important, but it all has me wishing for clearer skies and simpler times. The real question is this... if it was sunny and clear all the time, would that really be better?
I think sometimes when it just seems like there are too many things happening, and so much feels as out of our control as the weather, we start to wish that everything could just be simple or easy. But I wonder, if everything came easy, and we never had any challenges to face, how would we learn to appreciate the best parts of every day? Would we know how lucky we were? Would we put the same value on all of the good things in our lives? Without a point of comparison, would we just take all of the best things for granted?
Simple times... I know that I have fallen victim to wishing for things to be easier time and again. But I have also learned over time that while I may wish for that in the short term, nothing that is worth having ever came easy and some of the more challenging things I have faced have taught me the best lessons. I think simple sounds like it might be a nice place to visit for a few days, but after a time it just becomes boring...and too easy really. I am reminding myself of all of this because I know that this storm, too, will pass...and the weather on the other side is going to be beautiful!
The crazy weather has me thinking about how we weather the storms in our personal lives... No one is immune to "bad weather". We all have things we have to deal with at one time or another that are less than pleasant. As for me, my entire week has pretty much mimicked the weather. The details are not important, but it all has me wishing for clearer skies and simpler times. The real question is this... if it was sunny and clear all the time, would that really be better?
I think sometimes when it just seems like there are too many things happening, and so much feels as out of our control as the weather, we start to wish that everything could just be simple or easy. But I wonder, if everything came easy, and we never had any challenges to face, how would we learn to appreciate the best parts of every day? Would we know how lucky we were? Would we put the same value on all of the good things in our lives? Without a point of comparison, would we just take all of the best things for granted?
Simple times... I know that I have fallen victim to wishing for things to be easier time and again. But I have also learned over time that while I may wish for that in the short term, nothing that is worth having ever came easy and some of the more challenging things I have faced have taught me the best lessons. I think simple sounds like it might be a nice place to visit for a few days, but after a time it just becomes boring...and too easy really. I am reminding myself of all of this because I know that this storm, too, will pass...and the weather on the other side is going to be beautiful!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
My Old House...
If the walls of this house could talk... I bought this house fresh on the heels of divorce number one...determined to stand on my own two feet, find my independence, and make a new life for myself. And all of those things happened. In this house I finished my MBA, found love, became a mom, discovered love isn't always enough, and found myself starting all over for a second time...
While plenty of things have changed over the eight years I have lived in this house, one thing has remained consistent...this is the place that I call home. This house has been witness to the best and worst parts of my life, seen me celebrate the happy times and wrapped me in comfort in the tougher times. O was days old when we brought her to this home, she took her first steps here, spent a sleepless night in my arms when she had croup, became a little girl before my eyes, and starting sleeping beside me when we both needed some comfort.
Part of me can't wait to sell this house and walk away... It means a chance to move on and make new memories, leaving behind the not-so-happy memories that live in these walls. But how do you let go of a place that has meant so much? Because despite those unpleasant memories there are some amazing times, too...this is the only house that O has really known as her home, it is my first house, and I have spent years improving and making this house ours. But as hard as it is to imagine someone else living in this house, I know that we would make the next house ours, too.
So, am I running away, or looking for a fresh start? Does it matter? I find myself at a crossroads...waiting for the analysis from a Realtor to help me make the decision about whether or not the time to sell is now. Part of me wants to hear that the market isn't as bad as it seems...and part of me would be relieved to know that now just isn't the time. Maybe not knowing what I really want means the time just isn't right, no matter what the realtor says? Or, is it just easier to choose what is familiar? It isn't like me to stay in one place, motionless and indecisive...and it certainly isn't like me to try to take the easy way out. But I have been stalling on this one for an entire year already...making one excuse after another to delay putting the house up for sale. Maybe I am just not ready?
While plenty of things have changed over the eight years I have lived in this house, one thing has remained consistent...this is the place that I call home. This house has been witness to the best and worst parts of my life, seen me celebrate the happy times and wrapped me in comfort in the tougher times. O was days old when we brought her to this home, she took her first steps here, spent a sleepless night in my arms when she had croup, became a little girl before my eyes, and starting sleeping beside me when we both needed some comfort.
Part of me can't wait to sell this house and walk away... It means a chance to move on and make new memories, leaving behind the not-so-happy memories that live in these walls. But how do you let go of a place that has meant so much? Because despite those unpleasant memories there are some amazing times, too...this is the only house that O has really known as her home, it is my first house, and I have spent years improving and making this house ours. But as hard as it is to imagine someone else living in this house, I know that we would make the next house ours, too.
So, am I running away, or looking for a fresh start? Does it matter? I find myself at a crossroads...waiting for the analysis from a Realtor to help me make the decision about whether or not the time to sell is now. Part of me wants to hear that the market isn't as bad as it seems...and part of me would be relieved to know that now just isn't the time. Maybe not knowing what I really want means the time just isn't right, no matter what the realtor says? Or, is it just easier to choose what is familiar? It isn't like me to stay in one place, motionless and indecisive...and it certainly isn't like me to try to take the easy way out. But I have been stalling on this one for an entire year already...making one excuse after another to delay putting the house up for sale. Maybe I am just not ready?
Friday, May 28, 2010
More: Sex And The City...
Just a day following the premiere of Sex and the City 2... My sister-in-law and I are in the midst of rounding up a group of girls to get dressed up, have dinner (and a cocktail), and go see the movie. We are all looking forward to it... I think I have actually been looking forward to it for months...which seems a little silly? So the question is this...what is the big appeal? Why was the series so popular...and why have I seen every episode at least three, four, five (?) times??? Thankfully my addiction is satisfied by the series turning into more than just one movie...
So, the appeal... Those of you who know me well might guess I would say it has something to do with the shoes, purses, and just plain fantastic fashion...I COULD just spend two hours watching the steady stream of great footwear and be completely happy, I admit it. How cool is it to be riding a camel, in the desert, in $1000 dollar shoes?!?! But, there IS more to it than just all of the great clothes... The clothes are just "dress up"... Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte...together, they represent the best (and worst) in all of us. And I think there is a little bit of each of them (more of some things and less of others) that we each recognize and can relate to...
The four of them are...
Carrie...sassy, sexy, sweet, always falling in love with the wrong man in her search to find the right one (who happens to be right there all along)...
Miranda...practical, smart, cynical and forever trying to hide a vulnerable heart behind a tough exterior...
Samantha...street-smart, savvy, bold, talks like a man (and screws like one, too)...
Charlotte...dreamy, romantic, rule follower with a nurturing spirit...
The "girls" represent all that it is to be a woman, and they teach us that no matter what happens, some of the most important relationships in life are the girlfriends that you can always count on. Girlfriends are the ones that will laugh with you, cry with you, share your secrets, and support you when you need a shoulder. And the differences that you have between you are just a part of what makes you stronger when you are together. These are the women that will tell you the things that you need to hear, even when you don't want to hear them, they hold your hand when your heart breaks, and they celebrate when the best things come your way. They are your teachers, therapists, companions, and sisters (sometimes they really ARE your sisters)...
So, gather the fantastic women in your life...and spend some time with them because it does matter. Oh, and maybe get dressed up and wear some great heels, while you're at it... I'll see you at the movie!
So, the appeal... Those of you who know me well might guess I would say it has something to do with the shoes, purses, and just plain fantastic fashion...I COULD just spend two hours watching the steady stream of great footwear and be completely happy, I admit it. How cool is it to be riding a camel, in the desert, in $1000 dollar shoes?!?! But, there IS more to it than just all of the great clothes... The clothes are just "dress up"... Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte...together, they represent the best (and worst) in all of us. And I think there is a little bit of each of them (more of some things and less of others) that we each recognize and can relate to...
The four of them are...
Carrie...sassy, sexy, sweet, always falling in love with the wrong man in her search to find the right one (who happens to be right there all along)...
Miranda...practical, smart, cynical and forever trying to hide a vulnerable heart behind a tough exterior...
Samantha...street-smart, savvy, bold, talks like a man (and screws like one, too)...
Charlotte...dreamy, romantic, rule follower with a nurturing spirit...
The "girls" represent all that it is to be a woman, and they teach us that no matter what happens, some of the most important relationships in life are the girlfriends that you can always count on. Girlfriends are the ones that will laugh with you, cry with you, share your secrets, and support you when you need a shoulder. And the differences that you have between you are just a part of what makes you stronger when you are together. These are the women that will tell you the things that you need to hear, even when you don't want to hear them, they hold your hand when your heart breaks, and they celebrate when the best things come your way. They are your teachers, therapists, companions, and sisters (sometimes they really ARE your sisters)...
So, gather the fantastic women in your life...and spend some time with them because it does matter. Oh, and maybe get dressed up and wear some great heels, while you're at it... I'll see you at the movie!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The Happiest Place on Earth...
O is pretty excited... in two weeks she is leaving for Disney in Florida, and it is the only thing she is talking about..."mama, I'm going to have breakfast with the Princesses...the REAL princesses!!!". The prospect of seeing all of her favorites up close and for real IS pretty exciting...and it is fun for me to see her so excited. Just one little note... she will be doing all of this with her dad, and I will not actually be a part of any of it.
I am trying to only be excited for her and to put away all of my "worry thoughts" about her dad being in charge of getting through the airport, putting sunscreen on, not losing her at Disney, etc... To make matters worse, O's Dad asked me to go shopping to buy her "vacation" clothes. He is not typically inept when it comes to these things...I mean, how hard is it to buy a girl shorts, t-shirts and sundresses??? So, the situation begs the question... Is he asking me to do this in order to make the point (just one more time) that my decisions are to blame for my missing out on O's first Disney experience? Regardless, I am doing the shopping...I am not about to send the girl on vacation without the things that she will need. We are just talking about clothes anyway...
Needless to say, when O was born I did not contemplate what it might be like to raise her in a two-household situation... It did not even really occur to me until the custody arrangement was being worked out that at some point she would be going on vacations that would not include me. I know that all that really matters is that she gets a chance to have the experience... But, I would be lying if I didn't admit that it feels wrong for her to be at a place like Disney without me. I am having a hard time knowing that I will miss that look of wonder on her face when she sees the castle and realizes she is REALLY in front of it...that it IS real. This will be the first of her "firsts" that I will miss...and once upon a time (ironically) I promised I would do anything to make sure I would never miss any of them.
The challenge for me is to accept that this is just one of many things she will do without me. Her trip is getting close now and I have to just focus on getting her ready... and making plans for myself while she is gone, to distract myself if nothing else. So...anyone need a dinner date the first week of June?
I am trying to only be excited for her and to put away all of my "worry thoughts" about her dad being in charge of getting through the airport, putting sunscreen on, not losing her at Disney, etc... To make matters worse, O's Dad asked me to go shopping to buy her "vacation" clothes. He is not typically inept when it comes to these things...I mean, how hard is it to buy a girl shorts, t-shirts and sundresses??? So, the situation begs the question... Is he asking me to do this in order to make the point (just one more time) that my decisions are to blame for my missing out on O's first Disney experience? Regardless, I am doing the shopping...I am not about to send the girl on vacation without the things that she will need. We are just talking about clothes anyway...
Needless to say, when O was born I did not contemplate what it might be like to raise her in a two-household situation... It did not even really occur to me until the custody arrangement was being worked out that at some point she would be going on vacations that would not include me. I know that all that really matters is that she gets a chance to have the experience... But, I would be lying if I didn't admit that it feels wrong for her to be at a place like Disney without me. I am having a hard time knowing that I will miss that look of wonder on her face when she sees the castle and realizes she is REALLY in front of it...that it IS real. This will be the first of her "firsts" that I will miss...and once upon a time (ironically) I promised I would do anything to make sure I would never miss any of them.
The challenge for me is to accept that this is just one of many things she will do without me. Her trip is getting close now and I have to just focus on getting her ready... and making plans for myself while she is gone, to distract myself if nothing else. So...anyone need a dinner date the first week of June?
Friday, May 14, 2010
Will You (Not) Marry Me???
I know that people mean well... I know that my friends and family care about me and just want me to have love and happiness in my life. I know...really, I do. But every time one of them makes some reference to my "next husband"...I just have to wonder if they have been paying attention for the last fifteen years? Isn't two husbands enough? I am not on some mission to be the next Liz Taylor... I never actually set out to have multiple husbands... While I know that the hang up about having two ex-husbands is all mine, I can't help but wonder why everyone else in my life seems to think I need a third? Husband that is, not ex...
So, being the analyst that I am... let's face it, we all have some things that we are better or worse (no pun intended) at...some things that just come more naturally to us. Being married has not turned out to be one of my special skills... I have come to believe that I am hard to live with...I know that I can be intense, that I expect a lot of the people that I love, but I also think that I might be worth it because I give a lot in return... I am willing to make compromises to have another person in my life, but I am not going to completely abandon who I am so that you can fit into my life. In my mind there is a big difference between understanding how to give and take in a relationship, and just completely sacrificing who you are to be with someone...
In my perfect world... I haven't come to the decision that I don't want to get married again without thinking it through (thoroughly) and for a lot of good reasons... The bottom line for me is this... I want to have someone in my life, I want to have someone to love... BUT, for me... I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that I belong with someone. What does that even mean? Yeah, there is also a lot of paperwork that goes along with a divorce, but that is the least of it all... What I want is to have someone in my life that has to wake up every day and CHOOSE to be with me...or not. I want someone who could walk away at any time, but chooses to stay...because being with me is better than being without me. I don't want to have someone who stays with me because it is easier than doing all of the paperwork, or better than being alone, or better than being truthful about how he feels...
I know this is not conventional... I know that it does not fit into the ideal of what my family and friends want for me... But I also know that they would understand (and be happy) if I had someone in my life that I could love...whether I was married to him or not.
So, being the analyst that I am... let's face it, we all have some things that we are better or worse (no pun intended) at...some things that just come more naturally to us. Being married has not turned out to be one of my special skills... I have come to believe that I am hard to live with...I know that I can be intense, that I expect a lot of the people that I love, but I also think that I might be worth it because I give a lot in return... I am willing to make compromises to have another person in my life, but I am not going to completely abandon who I am so that you can fit into my life. In my mind there is a big difference between understanding how to give and take in a relationship, and just completely sacrificing who you are to be with someone...
In my perfect world... I haven't come to the decision that I don't want to get married again without thinking it through (thoroughly) and for a lot of good reasons... The bottom line for me is this... I want to have someone in my life, I want to have someone to love... BUT, for me... I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that I belong with someone. What does that even mean? Yeah, there is also a lot of paperwork that goes along with a divorce, but that is the least of it all... What I want is to have someone in my life that has to wake up every day and CHOOSE to be with me...or not. I want someone who could walk away at any time, but chooses to stay...because being with me is better than being without me. I don't want to have someone who stays with me because it is easier than doing all of the paperwork, or better than being alone, or better than being truthful about how he feels...
I know this is not conventional... I know that it does not fit into the ideal of what my family and friends want for me... But I also know that they would understand (and be happy) if I had someone in my life that I could love...whether I was married to him or not.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
A Mother's Day
The concept of Mother's Day is a good one... Mom, appreciated for all that she does, gets to spend a relaxing day being adored by her family. This all sounds so great, however, I wonder how often it actually happens? I noticed this week that as the other moms that I work with talked about plans for the upcoming weekend, no one seemed to be kicked back and relaxing...more like frantically racing around all week to get things ready. Cookouts, dinners, brunches, coordinating gifts, etc... Everyone seemed to be doing the thing that mothers do best...finding ways to take care of everyone (and everything) else.
Taking care of people IS just part of being a mom... Our first priority tends to be making sure our families have what they need, when they need it, and are completely comfortable. We do those things the same way our mothers and grandmothers and great-grandmothers did them for their families (including us) before them... And on Mother's Day we take over the responsibility for coordinating the gathering and the gifts because we want to make sure that our mothers, grandmothers, and special women in our lives are celebrated...we want to be sure that they feel like they can relax and are adored by their family. And, let's face it, we don't believe that the "boys" will just take care of all of that if we leave it to them...although they might if we gave them a chance (which we don't/won't)?
So the question is this... On Mother's Day...do we really want to be pampered and taken care of? I mean, it sounds good, really it does, but is that really what we are after? I think mothers just want to know (at least on one day) that what we do all the rest of the days is recognized and matters...we want to believe that our families appreciate us for taking care of the "mom" things. And if that means that we need to coordinate the picnic and pick up the gifts for the women in our lives, well that is just part of what we do. What is most important is that our moms know we love them and value all they do for us.
My Mother's Day? Well, having attended the family picnic the day before (with gifts and dishes-to-pass in hand, by the way), the day is anticipated to be a quiet one spent with O. She brought home a hand-made card from school (already on the fridge) and informed me that for Mother's Day she is going to sing me "happy birthday, because that is what you do on Mother's Day". This is sure to be a perfect day...so long as I don't actually have to HAVE two birthdays this year, I could not ask for a better way to spend my day.
Taking care of people IS just part of being a mom... Our first priority tends to be making sure our families have what they need, when they need it, and are completely comfortable. We do those things the same way our mothers and grandmothers and great-grandmothers did them for their families (including us) before them... And on Mother's Day we take over the responsibility for coordinating the gathering and the gifts because we want to make sure that our mothers, grandmothers, and special women in our lives are celebrated...we want to be sure that they feel like they can relax and are adored by their family. And, let's face it, we don't believe that the "boys" will just take care of all of that if we leave it to them...although they might if we gave them a chance (which we don't/won't)?
So the question is this... On Mother's Day...do we really want to be pampered and taken care of? I mean, it sounds good, really it does, but is that really what we are after? I think mothers just want to know (at least on one day) that what we do all the rest of the days is recognized and matters...we want to believe that our families appreciate us for taking care of the "mom" things. And if that means that we need to coordinate the picnic and pick up the gifts for the women in our lives, well that is just part of what we do. What is most important is that our moms know we love them and value all they do for us.
My Mother's Day? Well, having attended the family picnic the day before (with gifts and dishes-to-pass in hand, by the way), the day is anticipated to be a quiet one spent with O. She brought home a hand-made card from school (already on the fridge) and informed me that for Mother's Day she is going to sing me "happy birthday, because that is what you do on Mother's Day". This is sure to be a perfect day...so long as I don't actually have to HAVE two birthdays this year, I could not ask for a better way to spend my day.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Young at Heart
O is on a kick lately where she is always telling me what she wants to be "when she grows up". It has changed several times over the last several months... This all started when she told the flight attendant on our trip home from Boston that when she grew up she "wanted to use a sharp knife". That one did surprise me (yeah, and the flight attendant, too)... While I am pretty sure she isn't going to be a serial killer, I do hope she is channeling that desire into being a chef or maybe a surgeon? Anyway, her latest list of career options includes being a "police girl" or a "knight in shining armor". There seems to always be a weapon of some kind involved? She also mentioned to me that when she grows up she is going to marry...Daddy (and she thinks I should marry Uncle Pete, which is ALSO problematic; and yes, I did give her the "you don't HAVE to get married when you grow up" speech).
So much focus on being a "grown up"... Haven't we all been there? As a kid all you want to do is be a grown up so that you can be in charge of your own life... sleep when you want, eat what you want, go where you want, etc., etc. etc. What we don't realize when we are kids is that being a grown up means that you don't have time to sleep, eat or go where you want to because you are too busy being responsible for a million other things including taking care of a spouse/kids/other family, doing your job well, paying the bills, keeping the house clean, grocery shopping...should I keep going?
While as kids we just wish we were grown up, how many times as grown ups do we long for the carefree days of our youth? I remember being a kid and feeling like time stood still... I remember feeling like I would NEVER be a grown up. And then one day... Like so many other things, we seem to always want what is just out of our reach. Once we have what we think we want, how many times do we wish we could go back to what we used to have? There is just no substitute for experience...
They say that age is just a state of mind... O asked me earlier this week "mama, are we young?". I of course answered, "we are young, honey...we are just two young chicks". She seemed reassured... "yeah, we're young, mama...but we're not babies, we're big kids". While I am flattered that she actually thinks she and I belong in the same age group, I do realize that this is only temporary. But maybe it doesn't have to be... Being grown up does not mean that we have to forget about what being young is all about... yes, we have a few more responsibilities, but we also can choose to keep that sense of wonder and fun that is part of being young. Thankfully, I have O to remind me that I am still young at heart, if not exactly in years...
So much focus on being a "grown up"... Haven't we all been there? As a kid all you want to do is be a grown up so that you can be in charge of your own life... sleep when you want, eat what you want, go where you want, etc., etc. etc. What we don't realize when we are kids is that being a grown up means that you don't have time to sleep, eat or go where you want to because you are too busy being responsible for a million other things including taking care of a spouse/kids/other family, doing your job well, paying the bills, keeping the house clean, grocery shopping...should I keep going?
While as kids we just wish we were grown up, how many times as grown ups do we long for the carefree days of our youth? I remember being a kid and feeling like time stood still... I remember feeling like I would NEVER be a grown up. And then one day... Like so many other things, we seem to always want what is just out of our reach. Once we have what we think we want, how many times do we wish we could go back to what we used to have? There is just no substitute for experience...
They say that age is just a state of mind... O asked me earlier this week "mama, are we young?". I of course answered, "we are young, honey...we are just two young chicks". She seemed reassured... "yeah, we're young, mama...but we're not babies, we're big kids". While I am flattered that she actually thinks she and I belong in the same age group, I do realize that this is only temporary. But maybe it doesn't have to be... Being grown up does not mean that we have to forget about what being young is all about... yes, we have a few more responsibilities, but we also can choose to keep that sense of wonder and fun that is part of being young. Thankfully, I have O to remind me that I am still young at heart, if not exactly in years...
Monday, April 5, 2010
Soul Mates...
Soul mates... I am probably beating this topic to death, but I do seem to run across interesting references on a regular basis... I hate to be too superstitious (I know that I am), but it seems like the universe is trying to tell me something. Admittedly, I am not totally getting the message... But I do keep listening.
The latest that I have to share is the story that created the myth... Turns out, we have the Greek philosopher Plato to thank for coming up with this whole idea to explain the need to find our one, true, other half. According to Plato, the Gods originally created the perfect human with two faces, four arms, and four legs. The Gods saw how happy these humans were and became concerned that they would grow in strength and try to take power from the Gods. So, the Gods determined that they could resolve this issue by splitting the humans in half and scattering the halves to the corners of the world. They doomed the humans to forever search for their other half... While some might fit together okay and could make it work together, there would only be one perfect fit representing the "right" other half. With searching for our other halves as a distraction, humans just didn't have time to challenge the Gods for power.
Fast forward to today... Now I have the perfect excuse to explain how I've ended up where I am... Quite frankly between work and being a mom, I don't really have time to search to the ends of the earth for my other "half". And if he turns out to be somewhere exotic, like Indonesia or Greece or Australia, well...it could be quite some time until I run into him. So, in an effort to distract myself, I have actually started using a matchmaker to set me up on dates... It has taken me a little while to work up the courage to talk about this one...feels a little pathetic to pay someone to find a guy to go out with me, but the bottom line is that I don't plan to just hang out at bars or clubs or wherever hoping that Mr. Wonderful will happen to walk by, so having someone who is talking to other people who are in the same place seems to make sense.
Here is the recap so far... Security Company guy was totally distracted by a last-minute babysitter cancellation issue...his daughter was with his single, childless brother and he seemed to be a little concerned. He gets points for having a nice smile and smelling super yummy good, but...while I may have made a friend for O (his daughter), not sure he was into me. Number two is a golf pro and has a boat that he plays on all summer...easy to talk to and fun to hang out with. He could maybe grow on me... Next? The good Doctor...when he really got going talking about how he is looking forward to settling down, getting married, and having children of his own, well...that seemed like a good time to tell him I actually had two ex-husbands and was not planning to get married or have more children. Yup, that effectively scared him away. Can't wait to find out who is next...
For those of you also searching or maybe just wondering if there is a "soul mate" my advice is this... don't limit your options or sit at home waiting for your other half to just magically show up on your door step. Have some fun and check out as many "halves" as you can...you can't find the one you are looking for by playing it safe.
The latest that I have to share is the story that created the myth... Turns out, we have the Greek philosopher Plato to thank for coming up with this whole idea to explain the need to find our one, true, other half. According to Plato, the Gods originally created the perfect human with two faces, four arms, and four legs. The Gods saw how happy these humans were and became concerned that they would grow in strength and try to take power from the Gods. So, the Gods determined that they could resolve this issue by splitting the humans in half and scattering the halves to the corners of the world. They doomed the humans to forever search for their other half... While some might fit together okay and could make it work together, there would only be one perfect fit representing the "right" other half. With searching for our other halves as a distraction, humans just didn't have time to challenge the Gods for power.
Fast forward to today... Now I have the perfect excuse to explain how I've ended up where I am... Quite frankly between work and being a mom, I don't really have time to search to the ends of the earth for my other "half". And if he turns out to be somewhere exotic, like Indonesia or Greece or Australia, well...it could be quite some time until I run into him. So, in an effort to distract myself, I have actually started using a matchmaker to set me up on dates... It has taken me a little while to work up the courage to talk about this one...feels a little pathetic to pay someone to find a guy to go out with me, but the bottom line is that I don't plan to just hang out at bars or clubs or wherever hoping that Mr. Wonderful will happen to walk by, so having someone who is talking to other people who are in the same place seems to make sense.
Here is the recap so far... Security Company guy was totally distracted by a last-minute babysitter cancellation issue...his daughter was with his single, childless brother and he seemed to be a little concerned. He gets points for having a nice smile and smelling super yummy good, but...while I may have made a friend for O (his daughter), not sure he was into me. Number two is a golf pro and has a boat that he plays on all summer...easy to talk to and fun to hang out with. He could maybe grow on me... Next? The good Doctor...when he really got going talking about how he is looking forward to settling down, getting married, and having children of his own, well...that seemed like a good time to tell him I actually had two ex-husbands and was not planning to get married or have more children. Yup, that effectively scared him away. Can't wait to find out who is next...
For those of you also searching or maybe just wondering if there is a "soul mate" my advice is this... don't limit your options or sit at home waiting for your other half to just magically show up on your door step. Have some fun and check out as many "halves" as you can...you can't find the one you are looking for by playing it safe.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Between Sisters
There was this moment in San Francisco when the bus taking my sister and I to the airport pulled into the terminal and the first stop was for my flight...only my flight...and all of a sudden I realized that I had to say good-bye to my sister...again. It was just one of those moments where I realized how much she means to me, and how hard it is to have her live half the country away from me. Of course on a daily basis I do realize how far away she is, but time is one of those things that just helps to make some things easier. E-mail and the telephone make the distance bearable, and between visits I think that I am lulled into accepting the situation...day-to-day life just takes over and fills the time until we see each other again.
The irony of all this is that my sister and I did not always have an ideal relationship... I grew up in a family where I was the oldest of three siblings... My sister (younger by 4 1/2 years) and I were the bookends on either side of my brother, and more times than not we were also at odds with each other. I was the oldest with the pressure to always do everything right, set a good example, etc. Sara was the baby and seemed to me to be at an advantage due to my parents being more flexible on things after my brother and I paved the way before her...after all, we were so "good", that they assumed she would be, too.
As the two girls in the family, Sara and I had to share everything...clothes, our bedroom, and of course our brother... It seemed like there was always a reason that we were in competition with each other. Whether it was for attention from our parents, or our brother, it seemed like we were two very different people looking for the same kind of acceptance and approval. We wasted most of our pre-teen and teenage years being mad at each other for one thing or another. I think maybe it all boiled down to each of us wanting not only some independence from each other but also acceptance of each other, regardless of the differences.
Time has helped our relationship, too. I have learned to value having a sister. There is something special about a sister... Growing up, I didn't really know this...but as an adult I appreciate my sister more and more all the time. We come from the same place...we share the same memories of our family growing up...happy times and the sad moments, including our parents divorce. For my sister and I, I think the turning point in our relationship was our parents divorce...suddenly, it became clear that we needed to rely on each other and that no one else could possibly understand what we were going through.
From the perspective of a grown woman, this is what I know about my sister... She is the person who knows me best, the one who I can talk to about anything who will tell me what I need to hear... She and I can get together after six-months of being apart and pick up right where we left off. I value her advice and judgment, and I laugh more with her than with anyone about things that only the two of us would laugh about. The two of us ARE different...she is fearless, street-smart, and has the great skin; I am the practical caretaker, adaptable, and got the hair. She drives, I navigate. We see the very best in each other, and each of us would take on the rest of the world to protect the other one. I am so thankful to have you, Sara...and thankful we could take that trip together!
The irony of all this is that my sister and I did not always have an ideal relationship... I grew up in a family where I was the oldest of three siblings... My sister (younger by 4 1/2 years) and I were the bookends on either side of my brother, and more times than not we were also at odds with each other. I was the oldest with the pressure to always do everything right, set a good example, etc. Sara was the baby and seemed to me to be at an advantage due to my parents being more flexible on things after my brother and I paved the way before her...after all, we were so "good", that they assumed she would be, too.
As the two girls in the family, Sara and I had to share everything...clothes, our bedroom, and of course our brother... It seemed like there was always a reason that we were in competition with each other. Whether it was for attention from our parents, or our brother, it seemed like we were two very different people looking for the same kind of acceptance and approval. We wasted most of our pre-teen and teenage years being mad at each other for one thing or another. I think maybe it all boiled down to each of us wanting not only some independence from each other but also acceptance of each other, regardless of the differences.
Time has helped our relationship, too. I have learned to value having a sister. There is something special about a sister... Growing up, I didn't really know this...but as an adult I appreciate my sister more and more all the time. We come from the same place...we share the same memories of our family growing up...happy times and the sad moments, including our parents divorce. For my sister and I, I think the turning point in our relationship was our parents divorce...suddenly, it became clear that we needed to rely on each other and that no one else could possibly understand what we were going through.
From the perspective of a grown woman, this is what I know about my sister... She is the person who knows me best, the one who I can talk to about anything who will tell me what I need to hear... She and I can get together after six-months of being apart and pick up right where we left off. I value her advice and judgment, and I laugh more with her than with anyone about things that only the two of us would laugh about. The two of us ARE different...she is fearless, street-smart, and has the great skin; I am the practical caretaker, adaptable, and got the hair. She drives, I navigate. We see the very best in each other, and each of us would take on the rest of the world to protect the other one. I am so thankful to have you, Sara...and thankful we could take that trip together!
Monday, March 8, 2010
The Bachelor: On the Wings of What?????
Okay, so I am slow getting around to watching the shows on my DVR... Now that I have, well, I'm pissed off... I am, it's true. I'm just mad, and the frustrating thing is that I don't even know for sure why I am so angry. Good news is that I do know exactly where I want to lay the blame for it...on the television show The Bachelor.
Yes, I admit it... I am one of those girls that has watched this show for years...many years in fact. Since the days of Trista and Ryan, I have tuned in season after season to see the trials of reality tv love. For most of those years, I have cheered on the women that I thought were special and hoped that the right man would see how wonderful they were. I have doubted that you could really find true love with a million cameras all around you, but that has not stopped me from wishing them all well and hoping that for them, it could work.
I have to say that my attitude this season is not the best... I admit that Jake is not one of my favorite bachelors. I did not care for him when he was one of the crowd chasing after Jillian, and I can tell you that he has not really grown on me during his own season. Don't get me wrong... He may be the nicest, best manners, most perfect abs ever guy, but something about him doesn't sit right with me.
The course of this season has not helped. Hours before Jake is suppose to be proposing (and did) he actually took two rings from the jeweler because he could not figure out who he was proposing to. Are you kidding me? You don't think that if you can't choose, that maybe that is a sign that you shouldn't choose? Shouldn't you know by that point who it is you are meant to be with? They might both be great, but can you really, I mean REALLY be completely in love with both of these women? And, quite frankly, if I am these two women... When the tape rolls on this one, I am not sure I want to be the one he picked considering that he couldn't figure out who was meant for him.
So, the mad thing? Well it really just comes down to this... I want to believe (doesn't every girl) that a man could be completely consumed with how he feels about one woman... I want to believe that it exists, an amazing connection with a man that is emotional, physical, spiritual and strong enough to withstand all of the challenges in life. But I am afraid to believe it, because it seems that there is evidence to the contrary all around me (Jake included). If soul mates and finding "the one" are real possibilities there shouldn't be so much confusion. When the right one (the REAL right one) comes along you should just know, shouldn't you? However, my head tells me that what I want to believe in does not exist...the idea of it all is just a myth. I think the bottom line is that I am just mad that the rational part of me can't seem to be proven wrong.
I do know that technically none of this is Jake's fault... It is not like this is the first time I have considered this whole thing or been annoyed for not being able to figure it out. I just really would like evidence that my head is wrong and that there is a reason to believe in the myth. Because if the myth is just so much crap, where does that leave me exactly? How does that translate into expectations for future relationships? I am not sure. But thanks to The Bachelor my head seems to be right again...and it ticks me off. So, I am blaming all of my frustration on Jake...because I don't like him anyway and it just makes me feel (a little) better.
Yes, I admit it... I am one of those girls that has watched this show for years...many years in fact. Since the days of Trista and Ryan, I have tuned in season after season to see the trials of reality tv love. For most of those years, I have cheered on the women that I thought were special and hoped that the right man would see how wonderful they were. I have doubted that you could really find true love with a million cameras all around you, but that has not stopped me from wishing them all well and hoping that for them, it could work.
I have to say that my attitude this season is not the best... I admit that Jake is not one of my favorite bachelors. I did not care for him when he was one of the crowd chasing after Jillian, and I can tell you that he has not really grown on me during his own season. Don't get me wrong... He may be the nicest, best manners, most perfect abs ever guy, but something about him doesn't sit right with me.
The course of this season has not helped. Hours before Jake is suppose to be proposing (and did) he actually took two rings from the jeweler because he could not figure out who he was proposing to. Are you kidding me? You don't think that if you can't choose, that maybe that is a sign that you shouldn't choose? Shouldn't you know by that point who it is you are meant to be with? They might both be great, but can you really, I mean REALLY be completely in love with both of these women? And, quite frankly, if I am these two women... When the tape rolls on this one, I am not sure I want to be the one he picked considering that he couldn't figure out who was meant for him.
So, the mad thing? Well it really just comes down to this... I want to believe (doesn't every girl) that a man could be completely consumed with how he feels about one woman... I want to believe that it exists, an amazing connection with a man that is emotional, physical, spiritual and strong enough to withstand all of the challenges in life. But I am afraid to believe it, because it seems that there is evidence to the contrary all around me (Jake included). If soul mates and finding "the one" are real possibilities there shouldn't be so much confusion. When the right one (the REAL right one) comes along you should just know, shouldn't you? However, my head tells me that what I want to believe in does not exist...the idea of it all is just a myth. I think the bottom line is that I am just mad that the rational part of me can't seem to be proven wrong.
I do know that technically none of this is Jake's fault... It is not like this is the first time I have considered this whole thing or been annoyed for not being able to figure it out. I just really would like evidence that my head is wrong and that there is a reason to believe in the myth. Because if the myth is just so much crap, where does that leave me exactly? How does that translate into expectations for future relationships? I am not sure. But thanks to The Bachelor my head seems to be right again...and it ticks me off. So, I am blaming all of my frustration on Jake...because I don't like him anyway and it just makes me feel (a little) better.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Reflecting on new beginnings...
One year ago today Little O's dad was moving out of our house and our new life was just beginning... I remember that day so clearly...O was having a fun sleepover weekend with Papa and Meema, and I was home dealing with the first day of the rest of my life. I remember thinking that things would be better...if I could just get through this, one year from now it would all feel so much different, better. Moving day was the first step and the rest would come after...
So, here we are... one year later. As I look at where we are today, and compare it to that day one year ago, things have certainly changed... What probably surprises me the most is just how resilient O has been...the ability that kids have to adapt to things just amazes me. She will tell you all about how she has two houses, which days she spends at which house, how daddy lets her do this and mama says we should do things like that... She is used to the new "normal". I know that she will never remember life when we were together as a family and selfishly I am thankful for that... She will always know that families come in all shapes and sizes and every one of them is just as good as the next.
As for me... When I really reflect on today versus that day one year ago, I know that I am stronger, happier, more secure. Is every day perfect just because I made the changes I needed to? No, of course not... There have been plenty of days when I wonder why I am not MORE happy than I am...but the reality is that you make the choices that you need to make and you move on. That doesn't mean that everything in your life is just right, it just means that you are headed in the right direction. I love being on my own, independent and in control of what I do... I love knowing that I make my own choices, that I don't have to compromise or accept less than I deserve. My life is good... It does not come without a price... Yes, the hardest thing is "sharing" time with O, and there are plenty of lonely nights, but I would never trade today for yesterday... Part of learning life's lessons is accepting the fact that there are hard things that come with making the right decisions. You don't get to pick and choose which consequences you can live with...you just have to deal with all of them. Part of getting the chance at a new beginning is learning to live with your past...
So, here we are... one year later. As I look at where we are today, and compare it to that day one year ago, things have certainly changed... What probably surprises me the most is just how resilient O has been...the ability that kids have to adapt to things just amazes me. She will tell you all about how she has two houses, which days she spends at which house, how daddy lets her do this and mama says we should do things like that... She is used to the new "normal". I know that she will never remember life when we were together as a family and selfishly I am thankful for that... She will always know that families come in all shapes and sizes and every one of them is just as good as the next.
As for me... When I really reflect on today versus that day one year ago, I know that I am stronger, happier, more secure. Is every day perfect just because I made the changes I needed to? No, of course not... There have been plenty of days when I wonder why I am not MORE happy than I am...but the reality is that you make the choices that you need to make and you move on. That doesn't mean that everything in your life is just right, it just means that you are headed in the right direction. I love being on my own, independent and in control of what I do... I love knowing that I make my own choices, that I don't have to compromise or accept less than I deserve. My life is good... It does not come without a price... Yes, the hardest thing is "sharing" time with O, and there are plenty of lonely nights, but I would never trade today for yesterday... Part of learning life's lessons is accepting the fact that there are hard things that come with making the right decisions. You don't get to pick and choose which consequences you can live with...you just have to deal with all of them. Part of getting the chance at a new beginning is learning to live with your past...
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The Lucky Ones...
Every once in a while something happens that makes you stop... that literally will take your breath away. I found the infamous "lump" a few weeks ago... totally by accident, just noticed it, and then every day for about three days kept checking to see if it was still there. Still there? Yup... still there. It took me another two weeks to call my doctor because I literally could not say the words out loud...I just could not do it. They sounded too unreal, even though I knew what was there.
I have never been one to avoid something that needs to be taken care of, so I did finally call the doctor's office this past Monday. When I finally managed to choke out the reason for calling, the nurse told me "you need to come in today". Her response seemed so shocking to me...like making a big deal about something that I sure was just nothing. While I tried to stall, she continued to insist...she won the battle. So, I went to see my doctor who told me "yes, there is something there"...which also surprised me. I am not sure what I thought she was going to say... "there's nothing there, you're imagining things" or maybe "you have an extra bone, very rare". But, no, she confirmed what I already knew...something was there that was not suppose to be there.
Needless to say, the doctor insisted that I get tested as soon as possible...which turned out to be Friday thanks to the blizzard, my schedule, etc., etc., etc. So...Monday through Friday...waiting, waiting, waiting to find out what was going on. All week long I found myself thinking about the "lump" at the oddest times... I didn't feel scared exactly, it just seemed so completely unreal and just, well, impossible to accept. I kept thinking... "there can't be anything wrong with me, I don't have time to be sick" and "there can't be anything wrong with me, I have too much responsibility, my daughter needs me to be healthy".
Fast forward to Friday... Having seen my doctor, she immediately sent me for a whole series of tests to find out what the mysterious lump might be. I arrive and go through the mammogram where the nurse gives me her spiel about how at my age it is great timing to get a "baseline" mammogram... Then on to the ultrasound... the ultrasound tech does her whole thing, gets her boss who comes in and does the same thing...then they both left and brought back the doctor to go through the whole routine a third time. Okay...those who know me know that there isn't "enough" to actually warrant a three-person review of the issue... So, I am laying on the table wondering why it takes three people to check the lump out. The doctor finally says to me... "I don't like how this looks...there is fluid making up a portion, but there is also a portion that appears to be something else". So, needless to say, this is not what I wanted to hear...I was hoping for "no big deal, nothing there". The doctor went on to tell me that he wanted to go in with a needle and see how it changed after removing the fluid... if it didn't change, he wanted to take a biopsy and have it checked out. He gave me the option of going home to think about it or letting them do it immediately... I took the immediately option.
So, I am laying on this table, waiting for the doctor to come in and get down to business... and I am thinking, how many times a day does this happen? How many women, in the same situation, lay on this same table and tell themselves that everything is going to be fine? Because of course it is going to be fine...right? And then I realize that for some women it isn't fine, that this is just the beginning of the biggest battle they will ever fight... Could I be one of those women? Is that the next phase of my life?
The ending to this story is a happy one... the doctor got out his big needles (and quite frankly, they are really, ridiculously, scary big) and when he removed the fluid, the entire "lump" disappeared...yes, disappeared. It is totally gone. I am one of the lucky ones... a common cyst, really nothing at all. I keep checking to see if it is really gone, and it is...it is just gone. Of course I am relieved, but I also feel lucky...lucky that I am NOT one of the women who lays on that table thinking it is nothing, only to find out it really is something. I am one of the lucky ones...
I have never been one to avoid something that needs to be taken care of, so I did finally call the doctor's office this past Monday. When I finally managed to choke out the reason for calling, the nurse told me "you need to come in today". Her response seemed so shocking to me...like making a big deal about something that I sure was just nothing. While I tried to stall, she continued to insist...she won the battle. So, I went to see my doctor who told me "yes, there is something there"...which also surprised me. I am not sure what I thought she was going to say... "there's nothing there, you're imagining things" or maybe "you have an extra bone, very rare". But, no, she confirmed what I already knew...something was there that was not suppose to be there.
Needless to say, the doctor insisted that I get tested as soon as possible...which turned out to be Friday thanks to the blizzard, my schedule, etc., etc., etc. So...Monday through Friday...waiting, waiting, waiting to find out what was going on. All week long I found myself thinking about the "lump" at the oddest times... I didn't feel scared exactly, it just seemed so completely unreal and just, well, impossible to accept. I kept thinking... "there can't be anything wrong with me, I don't have time to be sick" and "there can't be anything wrong with me, I have too much responsibility, my daughter needs me to be healthy".
Fast forward to Friday... Having seen my doctor, she immediately sent me for a whole series of tests to find out what the mysterious lump might be. I arrive and go through the mammogram where the nurse gives me her spiel about how at my age it is great timing to get a "baseline" mammogram... Then on to the ultrasound... the ultrasound tech does her whole thing, gets her boss who comes in and does the same thing...then they both left and brought back the doctor to go through the whole routine a third time. Okay...those who know me know that there isn't "enough" to actually warrant a three-person review of the issue... So, I am laying on the table wondering why it takes three people to check the lump out. The doctor finally says to me... "I don't like how this looks...there is fluid making up a portion, but there is also a portion that appears to be something else". So, needless to say, this is not what I wanted to hear...I was hoping for "no big deal, nothing there". The doctor went on to tell me that he wanted to go in with a needle and see how it changed after removing the fluid... if it didn't change, he wanted to take a biopsy and have it checked out. He gave me the option of going home to think about it or letting them do it immediately... I took the immediately option.
So, I am laying on this table, waiting for the doctor to come in and get down to business... and I am thinking, how many times a day does this happen? How many women, in the same situation, lay on this same table and tell themselves that everything is going to be fine? Because of course it is going to be fine...right? And then I realize that for some women it isn't fine, that this is just the beginning of the biggest battle they will ever fight... Could I be one of those women? Is that the next phase of my life?
The ending to this story is a happy one... the doctor got out his big needles (and quite frankly, they are really, ridiculously, scary big) and when he removed the fluid, the entire "lump" disappeared...yes, disappeared. It is totally gone. I am one of the lucky ones... a common cyst, really nothing at all. I keep checking to see if it is really gone, and it is...it is just gone. Of course I am relieved, but I also feel lucky...lucky that I am NOT one of the women who lays on that table thinking it is nothing, only to find out it really is something. I am one of the lucky ones...
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Fathers & Daughters...
There is something special about the relationship between fathers and their daughters... My own relationship with my dad has always been one of the best in my life...he is the one man that I have always been able to count on, who does not ever let me down, and always wants the best for me. He is protective, but has always given me plenty of room to follow my own path, and make my own mistakes...and is usually the one that picks me up and dusts me off following one of those mistakes, telling me that I will be just fine.
O has been on a "daddy" kick herself... In typical three-year-old fashion she has told me several times over the last few weeks that she wants to play with daddy instead of me. She tells me this in her very manner of fact way, and I just smile and try to pretend I understand. The thing is I sort of do understand... she and I have certain personality traits that are very much alike, and there are plenty of times that we just annoy each other because we are so much alike. We are both stubborn, both like to be in control of a situation, and we both know the best way to do almost everything. That often results in my playing the "mommy is boss" card, which I am sure is frustrating to her. Why wouldn't it be easier for O to be with her dad?
So, I wonder... will it always be this way? Will it always be easier for O to be with her dad? Does he have an easier time letting her be herself? With me, I see how she reacts to situations and I can't help but think "this is how it started for me"... I want her to be her best self, and I don't want to see her put herself through some of the things I have been through. I like to think that some of the lessons it took me years to learn, I could teach her early so that she can avoid learning them the hard way. But can I really do that? Will she let me? Does she have to figure all of that out for herself to really get it? Maybe, I am suppose to take a lesson from my own dad and just step back and let her make her own mistakes...
O has been on a "daddy" kick herself... In typical three-year-old fashion she has told me several times over the last few weeks that she wants to play with daddy instead of me. She tells me this in her very manner of fact way, and I just smile and try to pretend I understand. The thing is I sort of do understand... she and I have certain personality traits that are very much alike, and there are plenty of times that we just annoy each other because we are so much alike. We are both stubborn, both like to be in control of a situation, and we both know the best way to do almost everything. That often results in my playing the "mommy is boss" card, which I am sure is frustrating to her. Why wouldn't it be easier for O to be with her dad?
So, I wonder... will it always be this way? Will it always be easier for O to be with her dad? Does he have an easier time letting her be herself? With me, I see how she reacts to situations and I can't help but think "this is how it started for me"... I want her to be her best self, and I don't want to see her put herself through some of the things I have been through. I like to think that some of the lessons it took me years to learn, I could teach her early so that she can avoid learning them the hard way. But can I really do that? Will she let me? Does she have to figure all of that out for herself to really get it? Maybe, I am suppose to take a lesson from my own dad and just step back and let her make her own mistakes...
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Kissing Frogs (and maybe some Princes, too)...
I ran into someone that I will call a friend of a friend over the weekend...let's call her a "mentor" of sorts. She is probably twenty-five to thirty years older than me and has been through some hard times in her life...has lost not one love to cancer, but two, and continues to look for romance. Every time I see her she has several stories about her on-line dating exploits... the woman has the best attitude and usually has me laughing so hard that tears are rolling down my face! She has come into my life on several occasions where I was having my own romantic crisis...and she is always coaching me on how I need to make sure I am really getting myself out there. While I haven't followed her advice to get involved in on-line dating, I have taken her words of encouragement to heart and thought about my own attitude.
When I compare myself to her, I realize that the only real difference between the two of us is that she went through the heartbreak of burying her two husbands, while I left mine behind. Her husbands went to the grave knowing that they were loved, and she knew that she had their love in return. My husbands broke my heart, and I have gone on without them not knowing if anyone will ever really love me again (or maybe ever did?). So, while she is secure in the knowledge that there can be "another", I am always afraid to fall in love with another one...convinced that more heartbreak is ultimately in store. I have let my fears dictate how willing I am to put myself out there, while she does not even hesitate to find her next love.
This past weekend she was sharing with me some pictures of the men she had dated over the course of 2009...and there were several. In each case, at some point she had put an "x" through them and stuck a frog sticker (yes, an actual frog sticker) on their face... But I noticed that there was one guy that suddenly appeared and didn't seem to get marked... When I asked what his story was, she smiled and said "you have to kiss a lot of frogs, but eventually you will find a prince. You'll never find him if you don't kiss some frogs...". He is her latest prince...
The timing of our conversation was fateful it would seem... I myself recently spent time with someone after six months of a self-imposed "timeout" from dating. I gave myself this timeout because the whole thing was making me crazy...worrying about what it would mean to be dating, worrying about how I would feel with someone new, worry, worry, worry... Where was the fun? None of it seemed fun, so it seemed best just to leave it alone for a while. And then, by accident, there was someone who actually sparked some genuine interest for the first time in a while... So, two fun dates later, it didn't work out...but the best lesson is this: I can do it... I can go out, have fun, and just let things be what they are, without letting fear complicate everything. I met someone new, got to know them a little bit, and did "big girl" things for a couple of nights... There is no reason to feel bad about any of that...
Ultimately, I have figured out that while I may not really know where love belongs in my life for the long-term (though I still haven't changed my "no more husbands" mantra), I do know that in the short-term I am finally ready to kiss some frogs... I am ready to just have some fun, meet some people, and see what happens next. And to my two-date friend (and you know who you are)... I am not calling you a frog... I like to think you really are a Prince...just not mine.
When I compare myself to her, I realize that the only real difference between the two of us is that she went through the heartbreak of burying her two husbands, while I left mine behind. Her husbands went to the grave knowing that they were loved, and she knew that she had their love in return. My husbands broke my heart, and I have gone on without them not knowing if anyone will ever really love me again (or maybe ever did?). So, while she is secure in the knowledge that there can be "another", I am always afraid to fall in love with another one...convinced that more heartbreak is ultimately in store. I have let my fears dictate how willing I am to put myself out there, while she does not even hesitate to find her next love.
This past weekend she was sharing with me some pictures of the men she had dated over the course of 2009...and there were several. In each case, at some point she had put an "x" through them and stuck a frog sticker (yes, an actual frog sticker) on their face... But I noticed that there was one guy that suddenly appeared and didn't seem to get marked... When I asked what his story was, she smiled and said "you have to kiss a lot of frogs, but eventually you will find a prince. You'll never find him if you don't kiss some frogs...". He is her latest prince...
The timing of our conversation was fateful it would seem... I myself recently spent time with someone after six months of a self-imposed "timeout" from dating. I gave myself this timeout because the whole thing was making me crazy...worrying about what it would mean to be dating, worrying about how I would feel with someone new, worry, worry, worry... Where was the fun? None of it seemed fun, so it seemed best just to leave it alone for a while. And then, by accident, there was someone who actually sparked some genuine interest for the first time in a while... So, two fun dates later, it didn't work out...but the best lesson is this: I can do it... I can go out, have fun, and just let things be what they are, without letting fear complicate everything. I met someone new, got to know them a little bit, and did "big girl" things for a couple of nights... There is no reason to feel bad about any of that...
Ultimately, I have figured out that while I may not really know where love belongs in my life for the long-term (though I still haven't changed my "no more husbands" mantra), I do know that in the short-term I am finally ready to kiss some frogs... I am ready to just have some fun, meet some people, and see what happens next. And to my two-date friend (and you know who you are)... I am not calling you a frog... I like to think you really are a Prince...just not mine.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Church...
I grew up in a Catholic family... My parents sent the three of us to a Catholic grade school, where we went to church once during the week as part of classes. Sunday, we went to church as a family...and we never missed. I learned all the "rules" about being a good Catholic from both school and my family, and mostly followed them out of fear when I was young.
As an adult, I couldn't help but start to question a lot of those rules... First my own parents got divorced, and one of their major issues during their marriage had been the fact that my mom had to give up her religion and become a Catholic in order to marry my dad. Instead of bringing them closer together, that always was a source of resentment. And, sure enough, as soon as they were divorced, my mom left the Catholic church.
Then there is my history... First husband was Baptist... he had more rules than I ever learned as a Catholic, most of which I didn't really understand the purpose of. We finally agreed not to talk about religion until we had children, because it was always a contentious subject. That worked out just fine...no children, no religion discussion...and eventually, no marriage either. Husband number two... raised as a Catholic and stuck with it as an adult. This I thought I could do... until we went to church for the first time together and the priest started to interrogate me about my divorce and my intentions toward number two. Not the most welcoming introduction back to being Catholic...
When O was born we baptised her in the Catholic church... They accepted her because of her dad and the fact that my history is not her fault (they didn't say it exactly that way, but that is my interpretation of the conversation I had with the lady who coordinates the whole thing). I wanted O to have this despite my own mixed feelings about church... I want her to be able to make the choice some day about being Catholic (or not) and have experienced religion in her life to figure out if it works for her. The good news is that her dad does take her to church... The bad news is that she and I have gone once together, on Easter, mostly because we went with the rest of my family.
So, the programmed Catholic in me feels guilty about never going to church and really teaching O very much about religion. I also feel like a hypocrite for saying she should have it in her life, when I don't even really have it in my own. If I can't figure it out for me, how do I help her? I do believe that there is something bigger than all of us and I try to believe that all things happen for a reason, that none of us get more to deal with than we can handle, etc. But I also believe you need to control your own destiny, and I have a hard time with the idea of just letting go and putting faith in something other than me to get things done. So, how do I keep religion in O's life and give her the information she will need to someday make her own choices about what is right for her (especially when I don't have any of it figured out for me)?
As an adult, I couldn't help but start to question a lot of those rules... First my own parents got divorced, and one of their major issues during their marriage had been the fact that my mom had to give up her religion and become a Catholic in order to marry my dad. Instead of bringing them closer together, that always was a source of resentment. And, sure enough, as soon as they were divorced, my mom left the Catholic church.
Then there is my history... First husband was Baptist... he had more rules than I ever learned as a Catholic, most of which I didn't really understand the purpose of. We finally agreed not to talk about religion until we had children, because it was always a contentious subject. That worked out just fine...no children, no religion discussion...and eventually, no marriage either. Husband number two... raised as a Catholic and stuck with it as an adult. This I thought I could do... until we went to church for the first time together and the priest started to interrogate me about my divorce and my intentions toward number two. Not the most welcoming introduction back to being Catholic...
When O was born we baptised her in the Catholic church... They accepted her because of her dad and the fact that my history is not her fault (they didn't say it exactly that way, but that is my interpretation of the conversation I had with the lady who coordinates the whole thing). I wanted O to have this despite my own mixed feelings about church... I want her to be able to make the choice some day about being Catholic (or not) and have experienced religion in her life to figure out if it works for her. The good news is that her dad does take her to church... The bad news is that she and I have gone once together, on Easter, mostly because we went with the rest of my family.
So, the programmed Catholic in me feels guilty about never going to church and really teaching O very much about religion. I also feel like a hypocrite for saying she should have it in her life, when I don't even really have it in my own. If I can't figure it out for me, how do I help her? I do believe that there is something bigger than all of us and I try to believe that all things happen for a reason, that none of us get more to deal with than we can handle, etc. But I also believe you need to control your own destiny, and I have a hard time with the idea of just letting go and putting faith in something other than me to get things done. So, how do I keep religion in O's life and give her the information she will need to someday make her own choices about what is right for her (especially when I don't have any of it figured out for me)?
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Do we know how to play?
I was talking with a friend recently about how different being a kid is today from when we grew up... I remember how my own mom would practically throw us out of the house each morning to run with the rest of the neighbor kids until lunch. Lunch meant we could come home to eat and then we were immediately sent back out for the afternoon. The entire summer went that way... When it was Christmas break or Easter break, it was generally the same thing. Our parents didn't plan our entire summer or Christmas or Easter vacations for us...we were expected to use our imaginations and create our own entertainment.
I just spent the past week home with O...no school for her, and time away from work for me. I found myself planning things...ice skating, a play date with school friends, seeing the latest Disney movie, etc. So, what I wonder is this... Do parents plan all of these activities for their kids or do we do it to entertain ourselves? Do we know how to "play" with our kids? With all of the things in our day-to-day lives, do we just not know anymore how to stay home and do nothing when we have the chance?
As parents we have created the idea that our kids need us to entertain them...whether that means enrolling them in all sorts of activities or lining up things for them to do. What would happen if we just let them play and be kids? What if they learned to use the imaginations that they were born with? Or, is this really about the secret fear that our kid will be the only one who didn't learn how to play soccer, take ballet, or swim before the age of five? Has it all turned into a competition? Does being the best parent now mean making sure your child isn't the only one to not do something?
Have we got our kids so scheduled that they don't have the chance to just be kids? We spent our toddler years just playing... our parents didn't worry like we do about whether or not we would be "behind" if we went to kindergarten without knowing how to read. Isn't that what school is for? To teach our kids what they need to know? We learned what we needed to and grew up and went to college and got jobs...and then turned into crazy people who worry our own kids might miss something.
I don't have the answer... I know that I miss the carefree days of being a kid, with no responsibility and the ability to live in the moment without thinking about what comes next. I want that for my own daughter... I want her to have the chance to just be a kid and not worry about being smarter, or more talented, or more "ready" for school than her friends. But, I admit...I am planning things to do tomorrow when the two of us have nothing to do...because I just don't know if I can sit still for another Curious George episode...
I just spent the past week home with O...no school for her, and time away from work for me. I found myself planning things...ice skating, a play date with school friends, seeing the latest Disney movie, etc. So, what I wonder is this... Do parents plan all of these activities for their kids or do we do it to entertain ourselves? Do we know how to "play" with our kids? With all of the things in our day-to-day lives, do we just not know anymore how to stay home and do nothing when we have the chance?
As parents we have created the idea that our kids need us to entertain them...whether that means enrolling them in all sorts of activities or lining up things for them to do. What would happen if we just let them play and be kids? What if they learned to use the imaginations that they were born with? Or, is this really about the secret fear that our kid will be the only one who didn't learn how to play soccer, take ballet, or swim before the age of five? Has it all turned into a competition? Does being the best parent now mean making sure your child isn't the only one to not do something?
Have we got our kids so scheduled that they don't have the chance to just be kids? We spent our toddler years just playing... our parents didn't worry like we do about whether or not we would be "behind" if we went to kindergarten without knowing how to read. Isn't that what school is for? To teach our kids what they need to know? We learned what we needed to and grew up and went to college and got jobs...and then turned into crazy people who worry our own kids might miss something.
I don't have the answer... I know that I miss the carefree days of being a kid, with no responsibility and the ability to live in the moment without thinking about what comes next. I want that for my own daughter... I want her to have the chance to just be a kid and not worry about being smarter, or more talented, or more "ready" for school than her friends. But, I admit...I am planning things to do tomorrow when the two of us have nothing to do...because I just don't know if I can sit still for another Curious George episode...
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